The sun hates our freedoms!

As you all know, dozens of Americans have been killed in recent weeks in the relentless and unprecented terror attacks perpetrated on us by the sun. Oh, the Democrats have been whining that we should try to “understand” the sun; to “figure out how it works,” but I say no. The time has come for decisive action.

To that end, I call upon the government to rush emergency production of 50 space probes armed with the most powerful hydrogen bombs we have ever created. These space probes will then be launched at the sun, programmed to detonate when they reach the surface.

Now, when those who hate America and want to give comfort to our enemy, the sun, start to howl about how we shouldn’t nuke the sun, I will say to them: “You think the sun is so great? Ask the people on Mercury and Venus what they think of the sun.” And, “if you love the sun so much, why don’t you go live there?”

I guarantee, when the sun gets a taste of America’s might, it will think twice before it tries to kill us again. Force is the only language the sun understands.

Join me in calling on the Bush Administration to swiftly and decisively attack the gravest threat in the solar system, the sun. Thank you.

I’m glad to see that someone is finally giving this the weight and attention it deserves. Over my lifetime, the dreaded Sun has given me second-degree-burns. It has poisoned me a time or two. And no one listened. They gave me aloe and told me to buck up. They begged me to let them peel the dead, murdered skin from my afflicted areas because they thought it was fun.

Please. Think of the children.

I’ll join the fight against the sun if you’ll sign my petition to ban dihydrogen monoxide. Do you know how many people are killed due to dihydrogen monoxide inhalation every year?

The real question is does dihydrogen monoxide hate our freedom? It seems to me that dihydrogen monoxide’s long standing embargo against terrorist sponsoring states such as Iran makes it an ally of the US.

Jesus, between the sun and my uterus earlier this week, the attacks on the innocent are coming fast and furious lately. They should be stopped!

Your guys just don’t appreciate the sun. The annualBad Water to Witney Portal race was run starting this Monday. The race starts at Bad Water in Death Valley, CA at 282 ft. (85 m) below sea level, crosses two mountain ranges and goes partway up a third finishing 140 miles later at the Mt. Whitney trail head at Whitney Portal, about 8000 ft. (2440 m). Maximum air temperature along the route this year was 123 F (50 C). The temperature on the pavement runs from 160 t0 170 F (70 - 76 C). The winning time was just over 24 hours. If you finish in under 48 hours you get a pewter belt buckle which is the only prize awarded.

I was going to enter this year but I got my entry in too late and they wouldn’t let me run. :rolleyes:

There were about 80 sun loving entrants this year. And people say that people in California are nuts.

No, no, no, silly. You’ve got it all wrong.

It’s worse than you all think! The sun is the cause of our problem - global warming. Larry Flynt is right!!

What about the Moon? Not only does it control our tides (causing many deaths from drowning), but it acts in concert with the Sun by reflecting it’s light!

Scientists and experts agree that the sun is about 50% hydrogen. So you’re planning on using stuff that it’s already got tons of, to kill it with.

You’re going to poison it with its own fuel. Diabolic. Yes…yes. No one would ever find the murder weapon, of course. Your message intrigues me and I wish to purchase your book.

Even worse than dihydrogen monoxide is hydrogen hydroxide, the universal solvent. High percentages of it are found in every drop of acid rain, and yet the government does nothing.

And yet the substance can be found on the shelves of nearly every market in the country. There are countless vendors peddling both ultra-purified and “natural” varieties at outrageous prices. They make millions, but the government does nothing. It’s worse than asbestos and Hitler combined.

And the sun? Don’t get me started. Both the sun and dihydrogen monoxide is necessary for the production of substances such as cocaine, marijuana, opium, and more.

Yet massive quantities of dihydrogen monoxide are consumed every day. Addiction is pervasive; individuals suffer withdrawal symptoms, and cannot last more than a few days without it. Across the nation and on countless beaches, people lay in the sun and practically worshiping it.

In both cases, I cry for humanity and its self-destructive nature.

We ARE nuts, dammit! ALL of us! What are you doing, you idiot? If they realize we put out these stories to dissuade them from coming here, we’ll have even more people moving in from out of state than we already do! THINK, man!

Ease up. I didn’t mention the worst. Some years ago a woman ran from Badwater to Whitney Portal. Rested a while, then climbed to the peak of Mt. Whitney (14495 ftl, 4418 m) and back, and then ran back to Badwater.

Maybe we should make this an entrance test before you can move here to live.

But… we like the moon!
'Coz it is close to us.
We like the moon,
But not as much as a spoon,
'Coz that’s more use for eating soup.

Look, are you an American, or an American’t? The pure superior genius of the good old US of A will find a way. Of course we can destroy it with something it is already made of. For example, a human is made up of mostly water, and yet it only takes about a half-cup of water, in just the right place, to kill a human. We simply need 5 trillion dollars to find the way and bring freedom to the world!

Join us in our jihad against the evil sun!

Ahem.

Ixnay on the ihadjay…

Cite

This is typical of the goofball reporting from the BBC. It focuses on the dangers to one’s skin from the sun, but says nothing about the dangers to one’s social standing from wearing tacky beach shorts in public.

I have nothing to add other than to say that the OP is the single greatest post I have ever read on this board.