As you all know, dozens of Americans have been killed in recent weeks in the relentless and unprecented terror attacks perpetrated on us by the sun. Oh, the Democrats have been whining that we should try to “understand” the sun; to “figure out how it works,” but I say no. The time has come for decisive action.
To that end, I call upon the government to rush emergency production of 50 space probes armed with the most powerful hydrogen bombs we have ever created. These space probes will then be launched at the sun, programmed to detonate when they reach the surface.
Now, when those who hate America and want to give comfort to our enemy, the sun, start to howl about how we shouldn’t nuke the sun, I will say to them: “You think the sun is so great? Ask the people on Mercury and Venus what they think of the sun.” And, “if you love the sun so much, why don’t you go live there?”
I guarantee, when the sun gets a taste of America’s might, it will think twice before it tries to kill us again. Force is the only language the sun understands.
Join me in calling on the Bush Administration to swiftly and decisively attack the gravest threat in the solar system, the sun. Thank you.