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Thou shalt not overspend thy checking account and neither shalt thou use thy credit cards to the maximum.
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When thou art in Target, thou shalt not block the aisle.
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Thou shalt not use thy stroller as a battering ram to ease thy way through crowded malls.
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Thou shalt not treat the mall as a race and glare at the elderly ladies stopping in front of thee.
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Thou needest not sample all food court vendors. Nay, even when they offer free samples of sushi, thou shalt resist.
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Thou shalt not walk through the Lingerie department singing Walking round in women’s underwear loudly or otherwise.
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When pushing the stroller through the stores, thou shalt replace any items onto the shelves that thy child kicketh off.
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Thou shalt not treat the helpful sales people like the dirt that liest beneath thy feet.
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Thou shalt carry excess items to thy vehicle.
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Thou shalt rememer that thy SUV does not fit the spaces reserved for compact cars.
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Thou shalt not take up more than one parking space.
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Upon entering thy vehicle to depart the mall, thou shalt not use the space of twenty minutes as thou backs from the space.
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Thou shalt observe the pedestrians throughout the parking lot and shall let them cross the road.
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Thou shalt include receipts and/or tags to make returning Christmas gifts easier.
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When in doubt, thou shalt give gift certificates and saveth much trouble for gifter and giftee.
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Thou shalt put items back where thou got them.
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Thou shalt not bitch about prices to lowly sale associates, that hath not the power to altereth them.
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When thou shoppest for CDs and tape, thou must acquire knowledge of an artist, album or song title, for it irketh clerks and customers alike when none knoweth what the hell “that song with a riff” is.
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If thou wishes to receive clothing, thou shalt give thy spouse CURRENT sizes and color preferences else ye shall be forced to wear thy sweater ye could have worn in high school.
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Ye shall not clog the parking lot by driving in circles. Ye shall park in the first place ye sees and walketh thy fat ass the extra 100 feet since ye shall be walking a great distance anyway.
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If ye doth not provide a list for thy spouse, ye shall not complain when ye getteth duplicate items.
Corollary to Commandment 9:
Thou shalt not yell nastily at those who carry excess items to their vehicles when thou art circling the parking lot and refusing to park farther than the second row of spaces for going back into the mall to finish shopping rather than leaving so thou canst have their parking space.
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Thou shalt not stand there in the aisle at Bergner’s with two of thy middle-aged friends, playing with the perfume testers in the mid-aisle “Christmas–Special Purchase” display, so that nobody else can get past thy reeking, giggling group.
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Thou shalt not shriek, “Ohhh my GAWWWWD!!!”, in the middle of Kohl’s, lest bystanders assume that thou hast spotted a ticking suitcase, and panic, before realizing that that thou hast only spotted a rack of rayon dresses that are EXACTLY LIKE THE RAYON DRESSES at Bergner’s, only cheaper.
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Thou shalt not force thy spouse to accompany thee on thy shopping trip, unless thou art certain as to wishing to hear the cry of “The game is on, babe, are you done yet?”
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Thou shalt not leave thy shopping cart in the parking lot behind an SUV, where the driver shalt not see it on backing out.
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Thou shalt not complain that the gift wrapping service does not have a box to fit the incredibly oddly shaped, large size gift thou has just purchased, and for which thou forgot to request a box from the store.
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Thou shalt not pay with a check. Especially, thou shalt not pay with a damp, butt-warped, wrinkled check. And if thou dost act like a moron and payeth by check, ware lest thou dare bitch about how long you hath held the line up with thy stupidity.
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Thou shalt not be dumb enough to take a seasonal job in retail.
- Thou shalt not escort thy whining, sulking children to Sears Roebuck and force them at gunpoint to select token gifts for their teachers. Or their carpool drivers. Or their babysitters. Or their soccer coaches. Or their…
The Children’s Subset:
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Thou shalt not take your children, period, unless they are of such age that they can be contained (in sling, pouch, snugli or stroller) or trusted to exercise much self-control with regard to appropriate, polite public behavior.
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If your child dost begin to pout, whine, sulk, touch merchandise excessively, or otherwise behave in a fashion which indicates that they wish to go home, thou shalt take the child home, keeping remembrance that the attention span of a child is much shorter than yours, and they are at a height (especially when in a stroller) where they can see nothing of interest, and must view many butts.
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If thou dost allow your school-aged child to run freely throughout a store, playing amidst racks or colliding with unsuspecting adults in the aisleways, thou must be prepared to face the wrath of fellow shoppers and store staff and thou shall be deserving of that wrath and much more.
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Thou shalt not presume that anyone, store staff, fellow shoppers or otherwise, cares about your protracted difficulties in finding the extraordinarily popular toys that your child has duly clamored since the summer. You have had months, it is now December, you didst snooze, thou shalt assuredly lose.
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Thou shalt not purchase and give any socks, underwear, mittens, winter hats or other such clothing of necessity to a child as a gift. These items are verily not gifts, and shalt reveal you as an unfeeling, short-memoried moron.
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Thou shalt remember, in gifting children and adults alike, that material gain is not the purpose for any of the season’s holidays, and gift wisely.
- Thou shalt get really hammered and when asked why you have not bought any gifts, go on a long ranting story about a mean clerk that eventually leads to your being kidnapped by Maltese nationalists.
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Thou shalt not stroll along the passageway to the exit, chatting with your bestest buddy, at the exact distance necessary to block the entire passage without allowing anyone to cut between you. Particularly not when thou and thy bestest buddy are moving slower than snails on Valium.
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Amen, Amen, I say to thee: though the flodass be ample, it is not so friggin’ ample, and if thou bumpest it again with thy shopping cart, flodnak shall rip thee a new one.
(I am not going near IKEA again until after Christmas.)
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Verily I say unto thee, thou shalt not buyeth thy children’s teachers anything that sayeth, “#1 Teacher”.
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Thou shalt not go shopping wearing thine evil “Jingle Bells” tied to thine shoes nor worn roundst the neck nor dangling from thine ears. Those that do shall be damned to the firey pits of Hell forevermore.
- If the busker should make thee smile, and if the busker should make thee wish to do a little dance, yea, even in the midst of thy torment, then thou shall tip the busker well.
- Thou shalt use the eyes that the Lord hath given thee, and LOOK before inquiring as to the whereabouts of Harry Potter books, games, or other paraphernalia.
45 - Thou shalt not purchase for thy Grandfather such things as sweaters, jackets, nor other items of apparel. He is old and grouchy, and preferes wearing that which he already has. Rather, thou shouldst convince thy mother to stop at the liquor store on the way home and aquire that which he wouldst happily use and eventually wouldst put the evil old bastard to sleep.
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If, after ignoring #30 thou still feeleth necessary to bring thyne children with thou, THOU SHALT NOT permitteth those children to pusheth every button on each Billy Big Mouth Bass, or dancing Santa or any other musical trinket that maketh a din loud and annoying to thyne fellow shoppers.
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Thou shalt not circleth the parking lot stalking an elderly couple as the hobbleth back to their Cadillac for half an hour.
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Thou shalt not take thyne children to have their photograph taken with Santa on a Saturday afternoon and complaineth about the length of the line.