Have you seenthis? 
What is green and goes up?
… (Snorting sound)
A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, I think I may be developing a slight hearing loss,” and the doctor says “Can you describe the symptoms?” and the man says “Sure, one’s a fat lazy idiot who likes beer and the other’s got blue hair a foot and a half high… why do you ask?”.
Ivan has a Joke.
Does this refer obliquely to the erstwhile (?) Doper ivan astikov?
What’s harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen? … Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.
Doctor: You’re crazy.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re ugly.
More like “I have another joke” IYAM.
Does your nose run and your feet smell?
Then you’re built upside down!
A teeny - bopper annoyed a soda fountain man by coming in every afternoon and ordering a “coke-coke-cokity-oke-coke-coke.” So one time she ordered that, he added three tablespoons of Epsom salts to the drink. She didn’t come in for another two weeks, and when she did she was fifteen pounds lighter, her face was ashen, and she staggered in and sat on a stool. The man asked, “Do you want a coke-coke-cokity-oke-coke-coke?” She said, “Yes, but this time leave out the poop-poop-poopity-oop-poop-poop!”
At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replies.
“Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” says his father.
“Okay,” stuttered the boy. “Dear Lord,… Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work. AMEN”
Dinner was cancelled.
What’s black and white and green all over?
Two figures of Death fighting over a pickle.
Would You marry Again?
A husband and wife are sitting up in bed reading,
when the wife looks over at him and starts a discussion…
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not - don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do…”
WIFE: "Then why wouldn’t you remarry? "
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan)
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house…”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it’s almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: Silence…
HUSBAND: “Shit…”
I can’t believe anyone ever thought this one was funny, but when you’re in the single-digits it was scandalously funny.
A French foreign exchange student is in America. His host-mother sends him out with his host-brother, and tells him to learn three English words. The boys first go to the airport, where they see an airplane take off. So the French boy learns ‘take-off’. Next they go to the zoo, where they see many animals. The French boy learned ‘zebra’. Finally they were in a park, where a young mother was pushing her infant in a pram. The French boy learned ‘baby’.
When the boys got home, the mother asked the French boy what English words he learned. The french boy says, ‘Take off… zee-bra… bay-bee!’
What’s black and white and red all over and has trouble going through revolving doors?
[spoiler] A nun.
With a spear through her head.[/spoiler]
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m a moth!”
The doctor says, “Well, I don’t think it’s me you want to see. Maybe I can refer you to a psychiatrist”.
The man says, “Funny you should say that, I actually was just on my way there when I noticed your light was on.”
I found a shorter–and, IMHO, more pungent–version: …WIFE (on her deathbed): George, if you remarry, at least promise me you won’t let your new wife wear my clothes! " …HUSBAND: “I promise. Heck, your stuff doesn’t fit Dee - Dee anyway!”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
I was watching an episode of Dave Allen At Large in the late-'70s, and they had the same joke. (‘Where are you going to find a solicitor?’)
.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Usually, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone
would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. the couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so.
Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his
wife at the road.“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.
“No, she’s not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it then? What does she do?” his
wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery
salesperson.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes!” he replied.
“She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!”