A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says ‘why the long face?’
What’s pink & slippery?
A slipper!
Two cannibals are standing next to a big pot with a woman in it. One says, ‘It’s going to have to be Manhattan style. She’s on her period.’
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the Jungle?
A drunk falls into an open grave. He tries and tries, but can’t get out of it. After he’s given up, another drunk falls into the grave. The first one says morosely, ‘You’ll never get out.’ But he did!
Cannibal jokes aren’t in good taste. 
Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot were walking in the cemetery one dark night. Foot stumbled and fell into an open grave. Foot-Foot said, ‘What are we going to do?’ Foot-Foot-Foot said, ‘Let’s get out of here. We’ve got one Foot in the grave already!’
Not so much a joke as a hypothetical exercise (and it’s old):
You’re driving along beside a river that’s just been flooded due to several days of torrential rain. You see a man clinging to a downed tree in the rushing waters, waving frantically to attract attention. You get out and go toward the river bank and as you get closer you see that the man is Rush Limbaugh!
You realize you have a serious choice to make:
-
You could race for help and probably receive national acclaim for helping to save Rush
-
You could get your camera out of the car and take a potentially prize-winning photo of the man as he struggles for his life
Your main concern: Do you use hi-speed film or a flash?
You shout to him that you’ll summon a rescue party and leave. You hear that he drowned. ‘Damn! I wasted a 49¢ stamp!’
Ok I’ll bite .
“Knock knock”
Who’s there?
(now, the instigator just looks at the victim in a quizzical manner)
There is a King who’s eyesight has been gradually failing him. This pains the King for a specific reason: The King has always been an avid hunter. In an effort to not give up his pastime entirely, a servant has been given the job of accompanying the King for the opening of moose hunting season.
A peasant in a field, familiar with the King’s vision trouble, noticed the King and his servant on a ridge in the distance. Upon seeing the King raise his rifle, the peasant began jumping up and down, waving his arms, and screaming: “I am NOT a moose! I am NOT a moose!”
The King aimed his rifle, fired, and dropped the peasant with an unlikely headshot.
The servant said to the King: “Your Majesty, why did you shoot? He said he wasn’t a moose.”
The King, with a puzzled look, replied: “I thought he said he WAS a moose!”
(stolen from Buzz Kilman)
Why do tampons have a string?
So you can floss after you eat.
This was from the Letterman show back in the mid-'80s:
If Gary Coleman and Ricky Schroeder were to have a race by swimming as far out into the ocean as fast as they could, who would win?
a) Gary Coleman
b) Ricky Schroeder
c) The viewing audience
A guy walks into the doctor’s office. A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril. The man says, “Doctor, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
back to the 80’s
Q. what’s blue and yellow and lays at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A. A baby with slashed floaties
How come you never see Elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Nothing is better than interrupting cow.
One I saw online:
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced it with, but I was tripping.
I was driving down the road with Heisenberg, when I said “Hey, look at that… we’re heading due east at 50 miles per hour!” and Heisenberg said “Great, now we’re lost.”
What did the fish say when it ran into the concrete wall?
Dam.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? DUNGGGG!
Why can you never starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
Little Johnny: Teacher, teacher! Is “Rotterdam” a bad word?
Teacher: No, Johnny, Rotterdam is a city in Holland. Why do you ask?
Johnny: My dad grounded me for saying it.
Teacher: What on earth?
Johnny: My sister stole my candy and ate it all, and I said I wish she’d Rotterdam teeth.