The terrible jokes thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

A bunch of conspiracy theorists are taking a bus tour of DC and surrounding areas and visiting all the famous conspiracy theory sites when, suddenly, a deer runs out from the side of the road causing the bus to swerve into a ravine.

The bus crashes. All are killed.

The conspiracy theorists meet God at the Pearly Gates and God says “Welcome, conspiracy theorists. Since you are all here together, you can ask me one burning question and I will answer truthfully.”

They mill about to decide which question to ask God.

Will it be about the birth certificate?

Who put that deer in front of the bus?

What about the moon landing hoax?

Or perhaps the New World Order?

Or Roswell?

Eventually, they decide on JFK.

“God,” they ask, “who killed JFK?”

God replies “It was Lee Harvey Oswald, in the book depository, with a gun.”

Most begin to enter the gates, but a few in the back huddle up and can be heard muttering “Hmmm, this one goes higher than we thought.”

42

This has made the rounds here before, but what the heck:

Who’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

43

What’s the difference between elephants and blueberries? Elephants are gray.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? Here come the elephants.

What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming? Here come the blueberries. Jane is color-blind.

44

This will be the only one (of this type) from me, I promise:

What is the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

You can’t unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. :eek:

45

Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself?
–Because it’s two-tyred.

46

There once was a man from Darfur
whose limericks only went to line four
When asked why this was
He just said “Because”

47

You might consider leaving off the second set of quotation marks. :wink:

48

Two nuns are sitting in the bath. One says to the other “Where’s the soap?”

The other replies “Yes it does, doesn’t it?”

49

What’s the difference between a nun praying, and a woman in a bubble bath?
The nun has hope in her soul.

50

What’s the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?
A goldfish mucks around a fountain.

What’s the difference between a circus and a chorus lineup?
The circus is a cunning array of stunts.

What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant passing gas?
A saloon is a barroom. An elephant passing gas is a ba-room!

51

**Traveler:**I want a round-trip ticket. …Ticket vendor: Where to? … **Traveler: **Back here, of course.

52

Last year I took a vacation around the world. This year I want to go someplace different.

53

Cold.
But I love it.

54

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?

What’s that stuff between an elephant’s toes?
Slow-running natives

Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept discarding all the Ws

55

Less risque, but better joke: What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?

A stick!

56

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Get jalapeño business.

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Sorry, I prefer Google.

What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER!

57

In the South Bay part of Los Angeles County, heavy rains never come down in Hawthorne, or Lomita, or Palos Verdes, or El Segundo, or Redondo Beach. Heavy rains only come down in Torrance.

58

Why did Delaware her New Jersey?
Idaho, but Alaska.

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One’s a slimy, scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other one’s a fish.

59

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.
Why six?

Hey!! It just does, OK??? You got a problem with that???

60

How many fourteen year old boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You said SCREW! HAHAHAHA!

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.