How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let’s go ride bikes!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the light bulb has to want to change.
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It’s an obscure number; you probably haven’t heard of it.
How many contortionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. But you have to wonder how the heck they got in there.
When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it’s turned into a teacher.
“But Mommy, I hate my sister’s guts!” … “Shut up and eat what I serve you.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
(Wait, I messed the joke up…)
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(New York accent): Fuck you!
(I’m a New Yorker and I love this joke)
Joke, Part 1: The Dalai Lama walks up to a Central Park hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”
Joke, Part 2: The Lama gives the vendor a $20, gets nothing back. The Lama says, “What about my change?” The hot dog vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”
2 men walk into a bar. the third man ducks.
The other day I finally noticed that my Magellan chimes with a rising melody for right turns, a descending melody for left turns, and two of the same note for continuing straight on. This, I decided, must be for the safety, comfort, and convenience of blind motorists.
Because you know you’ve seen blind drivers before.
Calling Henny Youngman… 
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating on the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs killed by a lion?
Claude.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under a car?
Jack.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the washroom?
John.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs thrown across a lake?
Skip.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Phil. 
Wisserteen!
Q. What do you call a girl with one leg short than the other?
A. Eileen
Q What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other
A Irene
There was a young man from Dundee
Whose limerick stopped at line three;
When they asked why this was
There was an old maid from Peru
Whose limerick stopped at line two;
There was an old man from Saigon
(limerick about Emperor Nero omitted)
Two gift bows looking to have some drinks were outside a bar with a sign that said “NO BOWS ALLOWED!”.
One bow says to the other, “Well, I guess we’ll keep looking.”
The other bow says, “To hell with that!” and proceeded to rub violently against the brick wall shredding his ribbons to bare threads. The other bow just stared at him in disbelief as he entered the bar and took up a stool.
The bartender took a dubious look at him and said, “Wait a minute, aren’t you one of those bows? We don’t serve your kind here!”
The bow replied, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
During training, Yoda asks Luke:
Why was five afraid of seven?
Because six seven eight.
You forgot one:
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?
Art
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
How do you make a plumber cry?
You kill his family.
That should be Japanese.
Q: What’s worse than a splinter in your finger?
A: Cancer
What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded!
I recognize that! Thanks to this thread, I found the hilarious anti-joke site last night. I got to page 9 before making myself go to bed.
Why are giraffes so tall?
Because they hate the smell of their feet.