[nitpick] I get to resent anything I want to. I don’t get to act out that resentment. [/nitpick]
No means no. I won’t take food if I’m not hungry. I won’t make a federal case out of it, but when I leave, y’all will think I’m rude and know no better, and I’ll think y’all are rude and know no better… It is in these ways that cross cultural communication is fostered. I never expected anyone to conform to my cultural norms–I just want to be allowed to say no when I mean it. It’s not like I’m shouting, “fuck no! How dare you offer!” to these people. It’s a polite, even rueful smile and a “no thank you.” See my post to puly for more clarity.
Which is FINE, don’t take it if you don’t want it. It may be EASIER to accept “a nibble” or a glass of water from someone like this than to say no repeatedly, but no thank you works as well. And if I come visit you and refuse the first time from politeness, I not going to starve to death in the amount of time a “refreshment sized visit” will take. And I won’t think you are rude one way or another. I may think “my, she has different manners than my friend Anna who was raised by a Lutheran church lady.” But my friend Anna wouldn’t think you were rude one way or another either, she is far too polite to believe that about a guest or a hostess (unless you are actually unquestionably rude, and not just differently mannered).
Like I said,I don’t generally do this, because most of my friends and peers do not follow this social pas de deux. However, I might do it with someone I feel is refusing out of politeness. It usually transpires in this way: “Want some food? (Naw, that’s okay) It’s really no problem. (I really shouldn’t). Are you sure, this is my last offer? (Oh, okay, maybe just a little/No, I’m fine).” This really is a rarity for me, but I can generally read people well enough to know when they’re just trying to play the convention, and when they really mean “No” at the outset. When I deal with Old World folks, I might push a little more, especially if its with Eastern/Central Europeans. When I deal with Americans a few generations removed, then I’ll assume no means no at the outset.
You’ve just reminded me why I enjoyed that show so much.
My mom is Scandinavian, so I grew up with people offering me food as soon as I stepped in the door to their house. If you’re really hungry, you answer “yes, sure, why of course I’ll have [whatever it is they’re offering],” and if you’re not as hungry, you wait to take the bait until after the first or second offering. If you’re really not hungry, you accept the smallest thing you know you can get away with, which is normally a small glass of water/soda/milk. I’m okay with this model, if only for the fact that I know what to expect and that it’ll stop after a few offers.
My FMIL, on the other hand, will only offer me things like sweets that she knows are fattening and of little nutritional value. It’s quite bizarre, as she’ll push sweets and coffee drinks from Starbucks on me when it’s not mealtime, but then try to push salad and fruit on me at the dinner table. But she’ll only ever take no for an answer the first time on the healthy stuff. This, however, has me baffled, as I rarely want to sit down and pig out on sweets.
Neither group will comment on what you’re eating, but will be more than happy to chat with you while your mouth is full.
My mom’s Icelandic too, and she does the “prepare a feast” for two people most of the time when I or anyone else visits. She also never really got over the whole “stuff yourself until you can’t eat anymore” habit that she might have picked up as a child, but her family seems to have been better off than yours. (Living in a flat in Reykjavik and having a father in the government is a lot easier than working on a farm or in an outlying area before Iceland became more wealthy as a country.) She has only recently stopped stockpiling canned food like WWIII is going to happen, but now she freezes containers of milk for when hurricane season hits.
jsgoddess, I would have to admit I would be startled if someone asked me if I wanted to eat/drink something all day long, if only for the fact that I’ve never gotten asked more than three or four times if I wanted something. The closest I’ve ever gotten to that is my FMIL asking me if I want the same thing she offered me before three hours later. I have, however, gotten the “are you sure you want to try this?” comment from a friend’s parent when I offered to try gefilte fish. I should have listened to them, as I regretted trying it, but made polite motions to actually eat most of the piece I was given.
This, however, has me baffled, as I rarely want to sit down and pig out on sweets.