We have lots of joke submission threads here. The problem with most of them is that we are just recycling material from some long forgotten soul. The task in this thread is to submit a joke of your own creation. I could be a real groaner or the funniest thing that we have ever read. Its all good. To show you how easy it is, I just looked around at the things on my desk right before I wrote this thread and threw this little gem together. You will be amazed how easy it is to write great material.
Mr. Cashenstock was a fabulously wealthy banker in a small, poor country. He was so wealthy that he actually owned the factories that printed the money in his town. However, he was also a very old and sick man. He lay on his death bed and prepared to see his final vistors. First, his son came in. Mr. Cashenstock looked at his son and said, “Son, you have become a great man and I leave you my estate and my money factories. Make good use of them. Remember me always”. Next, some of the townspeople came into the room. They said, "Mr. Cashenstock, you have always been good to us. We have but one final request. Mr. Cashenstock asked “What is it townspeople?”. The townspeople said “We are poor but we want to build a candy factory so that we can sustain ourselves. Can you lend us some money from one of your money factories?” Mr. Cashenstock said, “I am sorry my good townspeople but I cannot lend you money to build a candy factory. All my money is now in Junior’s Mints”.
Old farmer Brown and his cronies were gathered in his barn, discussing Life, the Universe and Everything. Eventually, they came to the topic of what fully comprised the true state of existence. To everyone’s surprise, Brown’s old mare piped up with “The totality of our being is comprised of our actions in life.”
Brown whirled on her. “Shut up, you old nag! Everyone knows that to be, one simply has to be aware of one’s being!”
“Now, now, Brown,” said one of his friends. “Aren’t you afraid that you’ll be accused of putting Descartes before the horse?”
Oh, sure - you’re shaking your heads now, but you’ll be telling that one tomorrow…
Back in the Dark Ages, minstrals roamed the country side doing their thing: juggling, cartwheels, playing the lute, etc. All these repetitive motions really got to wear on their wrists; nowadays we would diagnose them with Carpal Tunnel’s. But back then, it was just known as Minstral Cramps.
I can only think of one joke I actually made up:
So, this guy gets very sick, and goes to see the doctor. The doctor examines him and gives him some pills with a very stern warning: “This will make you better but you must take these pills every day, religiously!”
A week later, the guy came back worse than ever. The doctor is dumbfounded and askes if the patient had followed his instructions.
The patient replyed “Yes, doctor…but I’m an atheist!!!”
Hey, I think that’s a pretty sophiticated joke considering I was 8 at the time
Why don’t ducks make good doctors?
*
Because they are all quacks.*
What did the man do after his dog yelled out “I’m hungry”?
Fainted.
What do you call a religous turd?
*
The Poop.*
What kind of music do mummies like?
Wrap music.
Why did the police arrest a guy after arriving early to his appointment?
He killed a half hour before going in?
What did OJ Simpson say after the police found the real killers of his wife?
How the hell did you do that, I’m the real…nevermind.
That’s all for now and they are all my own creation as far as I know. I could see that duck one being used but I haven’t heard it so it’s technically my joke.
A friend of mine and I were once discussing how strange the “joke-world” was, where the pubs were used mainly by clergy of different religions and talking animals. She challenged me to come up with such a joke, involving the Pope and a talking camel, specifically, on the fly, and here it is:
The Pope was once talking to a camel, and trying to convince her not to use birth control pills.
“I don’t think,” said the camel, “that my husband and I are ready to have children yet.”
“Well,” replied the Pope, “you can use Natural Family Planning, or the rhythm method. The Church supports those ways of preventing pregnancy.”
“I don’t know…” said the camel. “That’s like a week straight without sex.”
“Come on!” cried the Pope. “You’re a camel, for crying out loud. You can go two weeks without water!”
1)In Orlando, there is a dealership renting light equipment, grilling tools, and propane refills. Next to it is a church, and when I pass I always comment about mixing the sacred and the propane.
2)I was just in Syracuse, and in Geddes Plaza there is an anti-abortion group office with a poster of a fetus in its window. Noticing the fetus’s obvious lack of clothing I commented “she’s starting 'em younger all the time, isn’t she?”
It’s the 1700s. People are poor as dirt. Everyone has to line up to get the basic necessities for their homes. They would be lined up all day for a few potatoes and a hunk of bread, a swatch of fabric to mend their torn garments…
There were two lines for supplies for candles. One for tallow, one for string. You’d have to go through the tallow line first, then line up again. The strange thing was that some people were getting turned away from the second line. As you got closer to the front, you’d hear the man asking, “Got your tallow?” “Yes, sir.” “How much sleep have you had?” “I’ve been sowing seeds all week, and I’ve only had two hours these last few days.” “All right, here’s your string. Next!” This went on all day, and eventually you’d hear, “Got your tallow?” “Yes, sir.” “How much sleep have you had?” “Oh, I went to bed early last night and got nine hours.” “Get out of my line! No wicks for the rested!”
Q: What’s worse than finding out your girlfriend is cheating on you?
A: The Holocaust
Q: What do you call Donnie Wahlberg’s brother who has a job as a undercover cop performing sting operations, and a chronic neurological disorder caused by the brain’s inability to regulate sleep-wake cycles normally?
Princeton from Avenue Q and Mike from A Chorus Line are sitting around chatting, and suddenly Princeton says, “Oh, hey, I got this great joke! It might take you a second to really understand the punchline, but it’s really funny. So do you want to hear it?”
I was born at an early age, and he started to grow at an incredibly rapid rate. I wieghed 30 lbs at age 1, and by the time I was in kindergarten, I was up to 120lbs. All of the kids made fun of me because of my size, and I lived a miserable life. I continued to eat as much as possible, even though I always suffered incredible stomach pain each time I ate.
My parents had taken me to 100 doctors over the years, but none could figure out what was causing my incredible growth. Finally, when I was about ten years old, a specialist from Germany heard about my case and thought he knew what was going on.
We flew to Germany to see the good Doctor, and after only an hour in his office, he said he knew exactly what the problem was. “How often do you use the bathroom” he asked. Not at all I said. Then, obviously, you are full of crap!
*I tell this as a true story to the sixth graders we take to camp every year.
Did’ja hear about the guy from West Palm Beach who tried to make love to his wife but instead he accidently voted for Pat Buchanan?
Why did the guy have his hand up a chicken’s butt? He was poaching eggs.
I went to Wal-Mart the other day. The place was crawling with the most beautiful people that I had ever seen. I was stunned! Everywhere I looked the people I saw were absolutly gorgeous! Then I realized that I was in the section with all the mirrors.
Do you know what a Libertarian is? A person who thinks the market can solve market failures.
great.