Because neither of my grandmother’s have Internet access… further, neither of my parents would ever come here because it’s “too liberal” for their tastes. And I only have two brothers that surf the 'Net… one is already here, and the other one is an idiot who spends all his time trolling in chat rooms (if he ever registered here, he’d get banned before he reached 20 posts).
And, in the spirit of the thread, I should tell y’all about some of the things that’ve been going on in my life…
-For the past few months, I’ve had one of those “lingering coughs”… y’know, when your lungs and throat are constantly filled with phlegm. So I’ve been coughing up phlegm every single day… whenever I’m in sight of a good-sized patch of dirt, I spit that phlegm as hard as I can (hey, I ain’t swallowing that shit). I can usually get a good 20 feet on it. But just the other day, I hacked up a giant phlegm wad that seemed like it filled my whole mouth… when I spat that thing into the grass, it made a puddle about three inches in diameter.
-During one of the productions of our last show (The Last Night Of Ballyhoo), I was standing being one of the set walls, waiting for one of the actresses to exit. When she rounded the corner, she saw me, standing there… with my pants down, my shirt hiked up, and I was rubbing my nipple. She was deeply disturbed. (There was a lot of nipples in that show, for some reason.)
One Reason Why I Should Not Be Left To My Own Devices
The SO is out of town, and I’m working evenings at the moment, which leaves me a good portion of the day with not much else to do.
So, I get to thinking. I’ve been wanting to get a Brazilian Wax (aka The Playboy Wax, or just “gettin’ the whole package clean”–this includes the ass, also), but I don’t have the cajones or the cash to go to a salon. But, I do have those pre-wax strips that I use for little touch-ups for my girly whiskers.
Do you have any clue how difficult it is to wax your own ass? I spent a good part of this morning contorting like a yogi to not only get those things stuck on in the right place, but to get an effective riiiiiip out of them.
Didn’t work as well as I had hoped, and gave up on the rest. I guess it’s time to give Helga a call. “Yes, can you pencil me in for a hoo-hah wax on Wednesday morning? Thanks.”
Don’t get me started. I can make you sound like an Aussie all day.
[sub]You didn’t really think Dutch people have a German accent when they speak English, did you?[/sub]
Soda: Ah. Touche. Very inquisitive. I guess the reason is mostly having to read it. That, and the fact that after Night of the Labrador Fellators Part I, I pretty much reached my threshold.
Coldfire: You sound more like Sister Gomez from Confessions of a Trick Baby to me. I didn’t do a very good job, admittedly. Would you make me sound like an Australian because I’m not one? Is that what you meant? Go on then.
LiquidLobotomy:
Dear god. Well, I think so far you’ve won the “Award for the Most Disgusting and Disturbing Post So Far” for page 6 of this thread. But maybe you shoulda posted here instead.
Last year a friend of mine bet me that I would never pierce my nipples. Not one to back down from a challenge, I whipped out a needle, some ice, and an earring, and plunged into my left boob. Two days later, my nipple was turning aweird bluish color and oozinng…i wasn’t a pretty sight. But hey, I won the bet!
While I’m on the subject, this happened pre-oozing. I told Scott about my nipple, and he didn’t believe me. We were at work. He was like “Well show me!” So I pulled him into drive thru, lifted my shirt, and pulled down my bra. He was impressed. I looked out the window to see the maintainance guy staring at us with wide eyes. Two weeks later he found us in the ball pit at 4 am, and I don’t think he was the least bit surprised,…
I was driving home through a wildlife reserve area last year when I saw a huge duck/swan sort of bird lying on its back on the side of the road. It had been hit by a car but its legs were still flapping. I don’t know how it was injured but it wasn’t moving from that position. I couldn’t bear to drive off and leave it to die slowly but I didn’t know how to kill it. I’d never killed anything above the size of an insect before. I didn’t have any weapons or tools so I got in my car and drove over top of the bird. I thought I’d killed it but when I checked I could see that it was still alive and that now its insides were coming out. I started blubbering but all I could do was have another go. So I drove over it again really hard, even skidding the wheels on it. I got out of the car and it was in a real mess but still not quite dead. It died a minute or two afterwards. I’m sure it died. I’m really sure it died. I am. I am. Where can you go to learn animal mercy killing? I desperately want to learn how to do it the no mess, no fuss way.
Yeah, I don’t wax my ass. I’ve shaved it a couple times, though. Getting a razor between the butt-cheeks is tough. I only did it in the shower, where I would be ensured that my ass crack would be relatively clean, and I had a “special” razor hidden away for such an occasion.
I tell ya, if you think having pubic stubble is annoying, wait 'til you get that prickly feeling 'tween your cheeks. It sure makes walking a bit more interesting.
I’ve since stopped trying to win the hair battle in my tush, and instead just wait 'til it gets nice and furry in there, and pull out clumps of butt hair at a time. It’s kinda satisfying… like removing a scab.
G. Nome: I once hit a rabbit, but didn’t quite kill it. I used the jack of the car to kill it. Swift blow behind the ears. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. So, next time, use the jack, no matter how hard it is.
Seriously though, my story is nothing compared to some of the ones that were posted earlier. Maybe I should have told the tale of “My nekkid father, the wine jug, and the porno video” but I think that section of this thread was two or three pages ago.
I still can’t get TZEL’s quote on the first page of this thread which referred to what he has shoved up his nether regions, “A highlighter, wrapped in a plastic bag and lubricated with my own saliva. ('nuff said)” See, now my little vomit story isn’t so disturbing now is it?
Also, I wanted to point out something else I found a little disturbing, that is:
SPOOFE,
When you were discussing your phlegm problems you said:
Yet you will swallow your own spunk? What’s the difference between swallowing a nasty substance that comes from your lungs and a nasty substance that comes from your prick?
There is a point of view not very fashionable at the moment that suggests there are more similarities between the genders than there are differences. Spoofe’s insights into his problems with superfluous hair equal anything I ever read in Marie Claire, that’s for sure. 2. The invention of the gun was the most significant event in human history. I could have killed the duck with a gun and even enjoyed it but I just couldn’t get intimately involved in its death because of squeamishness. I helped another bird once (no killing) and ended up with blood on my white jersey. The jack option would probably result in that too.
There. I feel all sort of … religious.
Coldfire: I’m not typical. I don’t like beer and I don’t know the rules to rugby. I don’t do things to little thin plastic dolls either. Try again.
Well, phlegm ain’t supposed to be there. Semen is. I figure that it’s bad to reward phlegm with a trip to the magical fairyland that is my digestive system, as it only encourages it.
Anyway…
THINGS I HAVE INSERTED INTO MY PENIS:
First off, in order to do these, you must have a boner. Otherwise, Mr. Happy just kinda flops around like a fish and isn’t very receptive to pee-hole intrusions. Further, don’t insert anything that’s very big around.
-Q-Tips: These’re fun, even if the fuzz tickles a little. Feels downright strange in there.
-Legos: There’re little antenna pieces that come with some Lego sets. Strangely, these are perfect for penile insertion.
-Toothpicks: Don’t use these. Or, if you must, get the plastic ones with one rounded edge. Even I wasn’t stupid enough to try a pointy-edged wooden one (else you’d be hearing me talk about splinters on the inside of Lil’ SPOOFE).
Never insert anything brittle (such as glass), as these can potentially break. Also, never insert anything very deep… it might get stuck in there (no, never happened to me… again, I was smart).
There was a story in Savage Love a couple weeks ago about a guy who would stick a piece of chewed gum on the end of a very small dowel rod and insert that into his urethra. One time, the gum came off the dowel rod and got stuck in his penis. I bet that kinda sucked.
I did that a * lot * when I was younger. I usually used my younger brother’s legos for this purpose.
Every now and then I’d put one back, just to secretly spite him.
(There was a lot of nipples in that show, for some reason.)