I’ll begin. ahem
A rookie cop…
…gets assigned to work with a seasoned pro who just lost his beloved long-time partner to the scumbag criminal they’ve been after for years…
…they are called in to the chief’s office. The chief is an overweight man with an anger problem and who yells a lot and smokes cigars. When the two new partners enter his office the chief says …
“I’ve had it up to here with your antics, and the commissioner is breathing down my neck, demanding that I fire you two. But you’re the best men I have. Now, listen up…”
"A madman has been blowing up buildings around town, one a day for the last seven days. Every day he phones headquarters and gives us a clue as to the time and location of the next bomb… Here’s today’s clue:
“Rosebud.”
The two cops go to an informant’s house with a sweet old cop who has three days left to retire. As he shows our heroes wallet photos of his brand new granddaughter, he is shot a bazillion times in the back by ominous looking criminals in a dry-cleaning van.
The rookie and the pro hop into the gorgeous brand-new black corvette (that all big city cops can afford) and take off to shake down some crack-head who knows everything that goes on around town. The crack-head says:
Our handsome young cop with rock hard abs falls at his fallen partners side just in time to hear him say “Raif, don’t let Mr. Big get away with … this … make … him … pay. And … take … care … of … my … daughter.” Raif looks into the heavens in anguish and screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
damn double post. but it still fits, put mine between Little Bird’s and The Other One’s
- no on second thought scratch mine out. I’m having pronoun trouble**..
“Man, I’m clean, I swear, I’m clean. Been clean for weeks. I can’t be seen talking to you, there’s some crazy ex-special ops guy who thinks he’s still in 'Nam hanging around, but if you could get the beat cop off my back, I might be able to meet you later, behind the abandon warehouse, at midnight. Come alone, and don’t let anyone else know where you’re going. I swear I’ll be there alone. I will, really, man.”
The cops meet the crackhead behind the warehouse. After asking the crackhead about the terrorist, the crackhead chuckles and says, “I respect my life, you know. I also respect money. And turning you two schmucks over to The Boss just got me a whole lot of money.”
With that, the doors of the warehouse slide open and…
a Suburban with a gun turret starts firing. Our heroes first duck behind their Corvette, which despite being turned into Swiss cheese, manages to stop every slug.
The rookie shouts, “Cover me!”
“Get down, you crazy (expletive)!”
“I have an idea!”
The rookie cop takes off running in a crouch.
An explosion of oozy fire forces our rookie in to a barrel role and while sliding across the hood of a 1984 Dodge sedan replies with a torrent of gunfire from his own .38 special. (More than should be possible really, but he’s a young buck and he doesn’t give a damn about the rules). Scrambling to the side of the Dodge he pops the used clip and loads a new one with a snap.
The pro admires his footwork and signals he’s calling for backup…
<aside> “oozy fire”? ew! </aside>
[Cut to the interior of The Boss’s office. He’s sitting in a high back leather chair at an expansive desk. Behind him through the picture window we can see the skyline of an unidentifiable metropolis.]
[The Boss spins around in his chair and stares at a shaking underling twisting a hat in his hands. He speaks in a voice that makes James Earl Jones sound like Big Bird.]
“What do you mean they’re not dead?”
“Well, sir…um…we had them cornered but then the old guy he–”
“Silence! You go back and finish the job…[glowers] or I’ll finish it for you.”
“Ye–yes sir.”
[He backs out of them room. The Boss turns and stares out the window at the skyline. He begins to laugh.]
The young cop and the veteran go for supper at the veteran’s house. The wife looks tired but supportive, while their daughter lusts after the young cop.
The two cops discuss the case, while the ladies wash up.
Suddenly a scream is heard from the kitchen…
Meanwhile, the rookie is in a bar drinking his sorrows away, when a beautiful woman (who, unknown to him, is the daughter of the evil terrorist) begins hitting on him…
He leaves with her, but as he goes to open his car door to let her in, he is grabbed from behind by some very large teutonic henchman who renders him unconscious with a single glancing blow. When he comes to he…