The Ultimate MST3K Thread, Part 2

Cafe Society
21

**Film : ** Avalanche
Episode : 201 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 012

Film Synopsis : Rock Hudson is a resort developer trying to reconcile with his ex-wife, Mia Farrow, and the mountainside of snow above them collapses under the weight of their leaden acting. One of the dullest selections of the new season.

Series and Episode Thoughts : This is a bad episode for Tom sounding like Jonah. They don’t overdo the silhouette gags, and they creatively cover the bit of nudity in the film using one of them. It’s a damn boring movie, but the riffers do a good job. (Seriously, who paid to sit through this in the 70’s?) Note : produced by Roger Corman! The fact goes unnoticed.

Important Stuff : Max gets to do the ‘nightmare fueled world’ line. Ardy gets a few lines and drops some hints about what I assume is meta-plot to come. The Kinga video fluid process is described as lower-res than Standard Definition.

HS 1 : Crow and Tom are workshopping ‘Mad Bots’; Kinga gets a call from Ardy in Moon 14, talking about ‘downright supernatural manifestations’.

Invention Exchange : Jonah presents the mouth vacuum; Kinga and Max show off the Don LaFont-aine 3000, turning phrases into movie fonts. Once again, the Mads’ part features some bubble splicing. (I wonder who keeps flubbing - Patton, or Felicia?)

HS 2 : The Bots admire Rock Hudson’s predatory technique for getting the ladies, Jonah explains why it’s bad.

**HS 3 : ** Kinga’s long distance cyber-boyfriend, a magician called Neville, visits and they chat - but not in person. It’s Neil Patrick Harris, making for a nice Dr. Horrible reunion, as they serenade each other, and even Max joins in.

HS 4 : Jonah and the Bots attempt to exhaust the list of hybrid B-Movie titles (a la ‘Sharknado’) to curtail future filmmakers.

HS 5 : Gypsy puts on a little nightclub show, based on Rock Hudson’s mother from the movie. Except for the strange puppet body hanging off of Gypsy for the segment, there’s nothing here of interest. Worst host segment so far, and what the hell is Jonah doing with his hands the whole time?

Memorable Riffs :

There’s a lot of good stuff here, and a lot of callbacks - both to the old show, and to the previous movie, Time Travelers, since our lunkheaded janitor now plays a bookkeeper named McDade.

(reacting to the title)
Tom : “Spoiler, geez.”

Jonah : “I’m not forgetting you, Danny from the last movie.”

Crow : “Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you.” (classic riff)

Crow (?) : “Feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! …” honestly not sure which riffer said it, but the Flanders impression is good.

Crow : “Amazing how she can turn into a mist, just like a vampire, or Gwyneth Paltrow.”

Tom : “We wanna hear California Lady!” (callback)

Jonah : “Is everything brown, or do I have retina damage?”

Crow : “It really says something that this avalanche has more emotional range than Mia Farrow.”

Jonah : “Joe Don Baker?”

Crow : “Looks like I’m your dad now, how does the name Ryan strike you?”

(yellow ‘siren’ light on an emergency vehicle)
Jonah : “Oh, it’s commercial sign!”
(cut to one of the Moon 13 not-commercials)

Tom : “When rock beats Rock, everyone wins.”

Crow : “You look at it, I’m bitter.” (classic riff)

And at the end, a lightning series of Trip Advisor review gags for the ruined resort that are all fantastic, and just keep getting funnier as they go.

Kickstarter Backers : Up to ‘El Spectre’.

Stinger : Emergency vehicles smash the town on the way to the avalanche.

22

Film : The Beast of Hollow Mountain
Episode : 202 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 014

Film Synopsis : American rancher in Mexico is detested by his romantic rival. Really typical Western up until the last fifteen minutes, when an allosaurus in stop-motion tramples through the film.

Series and Episode Thoughts : Way too many sing-song gags that just don’t scan. It’s not a bad episode, but they were filmed out of airing order, and I’m going to guess this one was early in the rotation - the riffs in the first half of the movie often have the rushed quality seen in Reptilicus. There are also more classic riff recycles than in any of the other episodes that I recall - leaning more heavily on the old series stuff.

Important Stuff : I believe this has the debut of Crow’s killer Morgan Freeman impression. It’s really good.

HS 1 : Art day on the SOL. Tom’s optic sensors are off, and Crow may by ready to enroll in art school.

Invention Exchange : Jonah presents the Disco Cannon; Kinga presents… hot water? The gag is that the Titanic could have melted the iceberg with it, but she never names the invention.

HS 2 : The Bots brainstorm their own monster movies - Tom’s is so depressing, Jonah begs for movie sign. Bubble Edit near the end.

HS 3 : The Beast of Hollow Mountain fashion line.

HS 4 : The Bots (or maybe not?) re-enact the weird festival from the movie, freaking out all the humans. (“Who must we kill to slake thy anger??” cries Max.)

HS 5 : Any movie is better with people eaten by dinosaurs - like My Dinner With Andre.

Memorable Riffs :

Tom : “That’s impersonal, name your newborn son ‘Guy’.”

Jonah : “Establishing shot : The Motion Picture!”

Jonah : “Jim Henson’s Magnum P.I. Babies!” (Classic riff form.)

Tom : “Watch out for snakes!” (Classic Riff)

Crow : “Mexican Walt Disney is pissed!”

Jonah : “I came here to kick butt and chew bubblegum, and bubblegum hasn’t been invented yet.”

Jonah : “Gymkata!” (Classic riff)

Tom : “Horatio Sanz IS The Fugitive!” (Classic Riff form)

Crow : “Was Pancho really worth four wet socks?”

Crow : “Now to hot-wire this horse!”

Tom (singing, a la the MST theme) : “But the cowboy didn’t like him so he shot him in the face!”
Crow : “Meta!”

Crow : “Steve Pre-Prefontaine.” (Classic riff)

Jonah : “Slowly, I turned - step by step, inch by inch.” (Classic riff, and very old joke.)

Tom : “This is where the fish lives.” (Classic riff.)

Kickstarter Backers : Up to ‘Hundy Gunderson’.

Stinger : Poking the dino with a stick.

23

On vacation this week, will resume the reviews next week!

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Having seen them all, which episode of the new season was your favorite? I liked Cry Wilderness.

25

I really like the scifi ridiculousness of Starcrash, with or without riffing. Wizards of the Lost Kingdom brought back fond memories of my favorite classic episode, Deathstalker… it’s a toss-up between those two right now.

26

**Film : ** Starcrash
Episode : 203 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 012

Film Synopsis : The riffs say it better than I could : A community-theater production of Guardians of the Galaxy. Caroline Munro stars as a space pirate recruited for a dangerous mission to foil the evil plans of Darth Arn … Zarth Vader… er, Count Zarth Arn.

Series and Episode Thoughts : There’s some good stuff here, and this is one of my favorites of the new season. There’s a solid ‘Get in my UFO’ song that feels like it should have been a host segment, performed in the theater. (Written by Paul and Storm). I am getting a little tired of everyone’s Andrew Dice Clay impressions, but Crow’s great Morgan Freeman makes another appearance. Tom and Crow’s hots for the oversized stop-motion fem-bot is pretty darn entertaining.

Important Stuff : During the invention exchange, the video from Moon 13 glitches and drops, prompting Max to put up the Kinga-Chrome ‘technical difficulties’ card. Also : Jerry Freakin’ Seinfeld. Easily the biggest celebrity cameo the show has ever seen - until later this season.

HS 1 : Jonah and the Bots play Spin the Bottle.

Invention Exchange : Max models the ‘Band-Eat-O’, an expansion of the salsa sombrero; Jonah shows off the BB-Servo, briefly, before an offscreen visit by Disney’s attorneys force Tom Servo to revert to his lovable fireplug self.

HS 2 : Crow’s got a new screenplay, based on this movie and characters from Candyland : World War Space.

**HS 3 : ** Jonah plays the role of Akton, who basks in the Bots’ admiration before revealing even HE doesn’t understand what his powers are supposed to be.

HS 4 : Jonah toys with giving Tom eyes, as Kinga and Max try to impress the galactic investor, Freak Masterstroke, played by Jerry Seinfeld.

HS 5 : The torpedo sketch, ladies and gentlemen! Jonah laughs as Count Zarth as Tom and Crow (and Tom and Crow) mock the chaos from the movie’s climactic battle scene.

Memorable Riffs :

Crow : “Starcrash positions, everyone!”

Tom : “Augh, Space is so LOUD!”

Crow : “You go for hyperspace, I’m bitter.” (classic)

Jonah : “When these special effects are done, it’s gonna look really cool.”

Jonah : (singing as Akton) “Believe or not, I’m not William Katt…”

Tom : “This music has convinced me. It’s not a giant golden toilet.”

Crow : “Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver?”

Crow : “And chili peppers burned its guts!” (callback)

Crow : “When Croods attack!”

(reacting to the gold mask that shoots lasers)
Tom : “Poomaman?”
Jonah : “Pyoomaman.”
Crow : “Pyoo-may-mun.” (Callback)

Jonah : (as Akton) “I can be humanlike!” (funnier in context, but he just nails the delivery)

And the extended series of gag ship names as they launch into the final battle, recalling the brilliance of Space Mutiny’s Big McLargehuge.

Kickstarter Backers : I’m on this one! Alphabetically, it goes up to Jeremy Fallecker.

Stinger : Akton is delighted.

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I think Starcrash may have been my favorite from the whole new season. I was howling all the way through. Not a single person made one correct decision during the making of this movie. I’m going to have to go back and watch it again.

28

Not true. They cast Christopher Plummer. That is never a wrong choice.

29

**Film : ** The Land That Time Forgot
Episode : 204 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 012

Film Synopsis : World War 1 Era Germans and Brits succumb to the dull, plodding leadership of the one American among them as they discover a Land Before … er, no, a Land Time Forgot. With cavemen and dinosaurs.

Series and Episode Thoughts : This one is the least of the new episodes, I think. I may revise that thought as I rewatch the back half of the season, but the movie just doesn’t do a goddamn thing for me, and the riffing is somewhat tepid. It’s not bad, mind you. Just … meh. Totally saved by one of the best host segments of all time, though.

Important Stuff : Jonah calls for the ‘Jetscreen’ to show evidence of Kinga’s perfidy. Ardy calls from Moon 14 about part of the movie that spilled - a segment of the Brits taking the submarine back from the Germans that was cut for time, presumably. There’s only one novel on the SOL, and it’s a John Grisham.

HS 1 : It’s Gypsy’s Birthday! And Tom’s and Crow’s, technically…

Invention Exchange : Jonah’s got M. Night Shyamalan Living Magazine; Kinga produces the Elder Pump and the gang catches her and Max stealing invention ideas from their riffs.

HS 2 : The gang is playing U-Boat, which Gypsy hates. They’re so convincing that they momentarily attract a space squid that attacks the SOL.

**HS 3 : ** The best Host Segment yet. Moon 14 Mesozoic Ranch Dinosaur BBQ, with a goddamn earworm of a jingle and a spirit that invokes Mike’s Bold ‘Rick-o-SHAY’ BBQ sauce. “Flame-broiled Deep-fried Crime Against Nature … Moo-oon Fourteen!”

HS 4 : Crow is concerned about when he’ll turn human. So Jonah ‘disables’ that function for him.

HS 5 : Inspired by the film, Jonah sends a rambling message in a bottle. Predictably, Max is the one who finds it.

Memorable Riffs :

We get two Hikeeba’s, and a couple of Blank AS Blank IN the Blank Story gags. There’s also a good running gag about the British officer, Mr. (Milton) Bradley. And we get Crow’s Morgan Freeman impression. (And sadly, a couple of Andrew Dice Clay lines…)

Tom : “Hi, I’m Doug McClure. You might remember me from such films as…”

Jonah : “Finally, me Pringles arrived.”

Crow : “And they say there’s no application for the Oculus Rift.”

Jonah : “All these guys are cosplaying as the same Tintin character.”

Jonah : “It’s a good thing water kills Germans on contact.”

Tom : “It’s Dirty Debbie Harry.”

Jonah : “Oh, no, it’s going under the wall! The Night’s Watch will never see this coming!”

Crow : “I’ve got a visual on something living in a pineapple under the sea.”
Tom : “Take the shot.”

Crow : “Now THAT’s a Paleo diet.”

Crow : “Jim Henson’s Lou Ferrigno Babies!” (classic riff style)

Jonah : “If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away!”

Jonah : “Watch out for snakes.” (callback)

Tom : “Grant Wood’s ‘Land That Time ForGot-hic.’”
Kickstarter Backers : Up to Justin Bodeutsch.

Stinger : Ahm vs. Pterodactyl.

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My wife and I thought “The Land That Time Forgot” seemed like a pretty good movie, actually. If I saw that in the theater as a kid, I would have considered it a good use of my money.

Funny episode, too. This movie does go on my “best movies MST3K used” list, though.

I also think Bloodlust! is a solid movie, especially since it was edited down.

31

To each their own! I think it falls prey to the same trap as a lot of seventies science fiction - a phenomenon I call ‘glacial majesty’, where the filmmakers show you an allegedly impressive special effect, for a very long time, without anything really happening. As the special effect ages (poorly), the tenuous value of lingering on it for a long damn time evaporates.

I was born in '78 - I don’t have time for Stanley Kubrick to show me a space station rotating for ten minutes of Zarathustra. :slight_smile:

32

I was born in '78 as well and while I don’t re-watch 2001 very often, it is impressive in its own way.

33

To me, it just feels slow and plodding. Again, to each their own.

34

**Film : ** The Loves of Hercules
Episode : 205 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 005

Film Synopsis : Wow, they found another Hercules movie! I’m really not sure how tight the continuity on the Herc series is supposed to be, but in this one, he fights a puppet monster and a guy in an animal suit, and meets a disposable love interest, played by Jayne Mansfield. So I suppose it fits … literally anywhere in the canon.

Series and Episode Thoughts : Okay, you know what? I take it back. This episode is even better than Starcrash. Watching it a second time let me really soak it in, and the riffing is great, and the movie’s kind of ridiculous on its own, thanks to Mickules’s accent. This episode also felt a lot lighter on the callbacks to the original era, despite it being a Herc movie.

Important Stuff : Jonah debuts new bot M. Waverly in Host Segment 4.

HS 1 : Jonah and the Bots binge their favorite show, Wings.

Invention Exchange : Servo presents the Fried Turkey Dunk Tank, Kings tries to debut the Mexican Jumping Beanbag Chair, but Max has fouled it up.

HS 2 : Inspired by the movie, the People’s Throwing Court.

**HS 3 : ** The Bots have a lively debate about the ecology of the hydra, and monsterism vs. heroism, as Jonah protects his cereal.

HS 4 : Jonah and the Bots are gossiping Greek gals, and M. Waverly wanders in as a wisecracking centurion. Tom and Crow are NOT pleased.

HS 5 : Everyone continues the weird vocalizing from the end of the film. It’s creepy, in a way.

Memorable Riffs :

There’s a running gag when anyone in the movie says “Speak!” that Jonah and the Bots go “Arf!” - it’s pretty good. Everyone mocks Herc’s accent, but Crow’s impression is notably the best. It’s like… Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to do Peter Lorre. Or vice versa.

Tom : “The Loves of Hercules : A Greco-Romantic Comedy.”

Tom : “Nobody likes Vogon poetry.”

Crow : “In the name of my tiny nipples!”

Jonah : “Why isn’t she returning any of his serves?”

Jonah : “Time for go to bed.” (classic riff callback)

Jonah : “Classic RPG move, loot the bodies.”

Crow :“Thanks, Expositia!”

Jonah : “My God, it’s a society founded on Busby Berkley musicals!”

Crow : “911 is a joke! Flava Flavius was right.”

Tom : “Ow, my stomach-back!”

Jonah : “This Crate and Barrel delivery guy is super aggro.”

Kickstarter Backers : Up to Lucas Neil.

Stinger : Herc is daintily dazed by the hydra - or had a little too much ambrosia.

35

Having a chaotic week! Hoping to get Yongary on Saturday.

36

**Film : ** Yongary, Monster From the Deep
Episode : 206 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 008

Film Synopsis : It’s Godzilla, with a horn. His name rhymes with ‘dungaree’. And there’s an annoying kid with an itch ray who ends up being instrumental in saving the day. It’s noteworthy for the gruesome death scene at the end, though!

Series and Episode Thoughts : This is a solid outing, and the riffing is good, but there’s too much of the silhouette mucking-around for my personal tastes. And - holy crap, that is the most gruesome kaiju death I have ever seen. Yongary actually seems to void his bowels in bloody fashion as he breathes his last.

Important Stuff : No real introductions of new information or concepts. One bubble edit in host segment three.

HS 1 : Jonah and the Bots have a dream journal meeting.

Invention Exchange : Jonah presents TinyDesk - for rage flipping without wrecking your stuff. Kinga presents a strategic partnership with Hitler Coffee - which seems less like an invention and more like an excuse to do a cheap Hitler mustache gag, but hey, it’s fun.

HS 2 : Jonah muses on the musical preferences of various space explorers.

**HS 3 : ** Tom’s Yongary Nights disco is a hit.

HS 4 : Jonah and the Bots discuss their ideal monster pals, if they were precocious children.

HS 5 : Jonah and the Bots sing ‘Push Past the Hurting’, reflecting on the gruesome death of Yongary.

Memorable Riffs : Not too many classic callbacks in this one, other than the Mole People nod, and an ‘I’m huge!’. The Capsule running gag is pretty funny.

Crow : “The center lane is for newlyweds only.”

Tom : “Problem Child 4 : He’s Korean Now.”

Jonah : “The first joint Korea / Zebra space launch.”

Crow : “Wow, the mole people are really blazing it up.”

All : “CAPSULE!”

Jonah (pretending to read sign) : “‘No earthquakes allowed’? That’ll do it.”

Jonah (reacting to flashing lights in the movie) : “We got movie sign!”
(he and the Bots get up and start to run towards the edge of the theater)

Tom : “How did Dad do it? At this rate, I’ll never die of overwork.”

Crow : “He shows no mercy! Or interest.”

Tom : “Like a Mothra to a flame.”

Kickstarter Backers : Up to Michael N. Butera.

Stinger : Yongary busts a move.

37

C’mon, guys, if you don’t respond there’s less motivation for me to do this in a timely fashion. :wink:

**Film : ** Wizards of the Lost Kingdom
Episode : 207 (counting the MST3K Movie)
Secret Number : 004

Film Synopsis : Deathstalker, Junior. I mean, I know it sounds flip, but this is the platonic ideal of a shitty 80’s fantasy movie for kids. It even has Thom Christopher and a lot of the music cues from Deathstalker 3.

Series and Episode Thoughts : One of my favorite episodes of the new season, right up there with Starcrash and the Loves of Hercules. Just solid riffing throughout.

Important Stuff : Host Segment One teases some set-up for the season finale. Segment Four has the return of viewer mail! … Somehow.

HS 1 : Max is writing in his diary. He has apparently found a key that gives him access to a giant robot snake ‘friend’.

Invention Exchange : Jonah presents Verbal Smoke Bombs, for escaping conversations. Kinga monetizes time itself with the Sponsor Clock.

HS 2 : Jonah and the Bots debate Kor’s epithet, ‘the Conqueror’.

HS 3 : A musical number, ‘the Magic Inside of You’, about Tom’s coming of age as a budding necromancer.

HS 4 : Viewer mail!

HS 5 : The Suicide Cavern playset.

Memorable Riffs :

There’s a series of riffs about Thom Christopher’s hat, that Jonah and the Bots have anthropomorphized as ‘Crabby’ that are pretty good.

Jonah : (at the title) “How do you lose a whole kingdom?”

Crow : “It’s like The Lord of the Rings without all the fancy good stuff.”

Jonah : “Prepare to face the wrath of Fat Sting!”

Tom : “Walt Disney Presents : The Sword in the … Tree.”

Jonah : “She led him to the patio store?”

Tom : “Patrick Duffy IS Greg Brady IN Julius Caesar.” (classic style riff)

Jonah : “And puberty blooms for Snuggles the fabric softener bear.” *

Crow : “With Margaret Dumont as the Black Knight.”

Tom : “Wizard of Speed and Time of the Lost Kingdom!”

Crow : “Apparently, Ovaltine is way harder to swim in than regular water.”

Crow : (regarding the arrival of the gnome wizard) “He’s *literally *too little, too late.”

  • Seriously, this may be the best riff of the new season, if you’re paying attention to the hand motions of the white furry thing.

Kickstarter Backers : Up to Paul Mahling.

Stinger : Thom Christopher fumes after the Pool of Knowledge explodes.

38

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is by far my favorite episode of the whole season. If I had seen that when I was a little kid in the '80’s I would have loved it. As it is, I still love it but for very different reasons.

I’m interested to see what you think of the Christmas episode. That one broke me.

39

Agreed, this one is really great. It harkens back to one of my all time favorite classic episodes, Cave Dwellers. (“How much Keefe is in this movie?”) It’s like a knock-off of a knock-off of Conan the Barbarian.

This is definitely on my re-watch list. The “sequel,” not so much.

40

I’m thinking I may need to do a best-to-worst list of the new season episodes when I am done.