I seem to recall it was supposed to be a Texas accent. Or, as one of the crew mocks them, “A Tayxes accent”.
-Joe
[sigh]Am I the only person to have seen this movie back in the seventies before MST3K? I stayed up to almost three in the morning just to see this turkey.
MST3K 3.14 - Mighty Jack
There’s an Emergency on the SOL, everybody’s dying! Or, not. Psyche!
This is another Sandy Frank gem - the title refers to a secret spy organization (think ‘U.N.C.L.E.’ - actually, no - think CONTROL.) that has a super-secret flying sub at their disposal. Their chief enemy organization is ‘Q’. (No relation to the Star Trek or James Bond Q’s) This ‘movie’ consists of the first and last episodes of a Japanese TV series. The riffing is good, and starts strong … (the ‘I am a lineman for the Starfleet’ bit killed me) and there’s plenty to riff; The dubbing is bad, and our ‘main character’, the eventual commander of the sub who’s rescued in the first act, is named ‘Atari’ and vaguely resembles JFK. Crow gets to do a good Mr. Rogers impression, and Tom gets to hum the Sandy Frank song.
We duck out for a ‘Mighty Jack dog food’ commerical from the crew, then continue with our spy ‘thriller’ - the organization is betrayed from within, and Crow utters our Signature riff (below); as the team rescues their future commander, we get a couple of good gags as one of the operatives assembles The Longest Silencer Ever. Back outside, the bots try to torture Joel with a blinding light chamber like they saw in the movie, but Joel outwits them by keeping his eyes shut.
Suddenly, action. This is where we jump to the last episode of the series. The good guys spot the bad guys’ secret iceberg base, but then wander back to find a missing island research station. Coherence? Hah. The plot seems to center around a secret weapon that can make ice that doesn’t melt - which the bad guys inexplicably fashion into bullets to shoot at the good guys. We see the traitorous half-German guy (raise your hand if you saw that coming) hump a briefcase at one point as he detonates himself - fortunately, he sabotaged the big sub first - the ‘super ice’ he sprayed on the engine core causes it to overheat.
I know, I know. Fortunately, team Mighty Jack saves the day and defrosts the enemy base. In closing, we get one of my favorite MST songs yet - a rousing sea chanty entitled, ‘Slow the Plot Down.’ (to the tune of ‘Blow the Man Down’) “We’ll scuttle the story and run her aground - yo, ho, slow the plot down.”
Signature Riff :
(the traitor suddenly explodes while being chased)
<Crow> : (deadpan) ‘Sorry I blew up like that.’
MST3K 3.15 - Teenage Caveman
*(not actually starring any teenagers)
Shown with not one, but TWO shorts! Aquatic Wizards, which is available on one of the Shorts collections, and Catching Trouble, which may not be. I haven’t seen it, at least.
There’s a thunderstorm brewing on the SOL, and the crew enjoys a nice round of poker. In Deep 13, trouble’s a-brewin’, as Frank gets uppity with Dr. Forrester.
The first short is a harmless documentary on water-skiiing; the second is one of the oddest ‘What Were They Thinking?’ shorts I’ve ever seen. The SOL Crew are horrified and disgusted as ‘Ross’ and his Indian guide, Emo Phillips, capture animals in pretty rough fashion. The crew counterpoints that in the next host segment, ‘Catching Ross’.
Then on to the movie. It’s Roger Corman. Oy. Starring a “young” Robert Vaughan as our nominal ‘Teenage Cave Man’, a malcontent. Incidentally, I’ve seen the made for TV remake of this, done by ‘Kids’ director Larry Clark - avoid, if possible.
The movie is just painful - the riffing is great, but this one took a bit of a toll on me. A particularly amusing bit is a shot of a Caveman hunting party, all brining and shaking rattles. (Joel : ‘What, are they hunting babies?’)
The Mads continue to fight during the host segments, and Teenage Caveman continues to defy ‘The Word’ or ‘The Law’ or ‘The Regulation’ at every opportunity. We see a little reused stock footage of forced-perspective lizards fighting; our caveteen is cast out from his tribe, then brought back in, then defies the law yet again to drive the movie to its ‘climax’. Our big revelation? It’s the future, atomic war blasted us back to the stone age, and the big monster the cavemen feared was an astronaut of the atomic age, life prolonged by exotic radiation exposure.
The Bots play ‘Last Survivors of a Roger Corman Movie Experiment’, riffing on the survivor astronaut guy, and the Mads reconcile.
Signature Riff:
(as Corman’s name pops up)
<Crow> : ‘Well, this must have been filmed painstakingly over three days.’
Catching Trouble is, in fact, on one of the shorts compilations. I was very surprised to hear Tom refer to “The Bubble Room on Captiva.” I have driven past that establishment on the few occasions that my job has taken me out to Captiva Island.
That truly is one of the oddest shorts ever, and I love it. It’s just horrifyingly bad to modern eyes. It’s roughly equivalent to watching a matter-of-fact documentary about Nazi medical experiments. I mean, this guy casually goes into the Everglades to kidnap a couple of bear cubs (he grabs one out of a tree with brute force) and other animals. He even sets a wildfire to smoke out a snake he wants. It was a completely different mindset back then. Conservation? Huh?
MST3K 3.16 - Gamera vs. Zigra
There’s a root-beer kegger on the SOL, and Tom’s the keg! Even Magic Voice gets in on the fun, and seems a little tipsy. There’s a Gamera pinata, too.
This will be the last of the Gamera movies that the SOL crew is subjected to; the soundtrack’s a lot funkier than previous outings - fitting, since this one’s a product of the 70’s. A lot of the action centers on Sea World. There’s a little boy and his Coke-obsessed gal pal that form the nucleus of the human resistance.
The environmentalist preaching starts early and keeps on trucking thoughout the film. Zigra, of the title, turns out to be a spaceship from an alien world, which we later learn can turn into a silver marlin. There’s a moment when they directly insult Sandy Frank’s IQ here, and maybe that’s what ticked the guy off.
Back outside, the bots have built a model of Gamera to show Joel how he does all those cool things. In the movie, Zigra turns violent, taking out ships and looking like the Sydney Opera House doing a Jaws impersonation. Fortunately, Gamera shows up, featuring his new tongue prominently, and we get the Gamera themesong.
The movie takes a complete break from all the “action” to showcase ‘The Fish Argument’. A hotel manager and a dolphin trainer from Sea World (which at this point seems to have been designated the temporary capital of Japan) arguing over who can buy some fish. Then our two child heroes outwit the chief henchwoman of Zigra, and it turns out that Sonar is the cure for what ails ya. Don’t ask.
It unfolds much like you’d expect a Monster film to do, with a big battle - though this time, Gamera takes it upon himself to dish out a little humiliation on Zigra after his victory - playing his dorsal scales like a xylophone. Man, that Gamera - Acrobat, Musician, Friend to All Children… what a talent! We close out with several variants of the Gamera song.
Signature Riff:
<Joel> : “You know, it’s weird, but even the monster’s badly dubbed.”
**MST3K 3.17 - Viking Women and the Sea Serpent **
This is the Waffle episode. Many waffle references. The Mads invent a Meat Re-Animator that makes a turkey dance.
Before getting into the Roger Corman brand pain, we get the longest. short. ever.
The Home Economics Story. Available on one of the shorts collections. This is the one with the infamous “Oh, Hi, Opal!” moment that sometimes gets remembered by Dopers. The short actually lasts all the way up to the first host segment, wherein they discuss new uses for waffles, and Joel has reprogrammed the bots to crave waffles as he does.
Well, in our feature, we get a bevy of mostly-Aryan viking babes, along with ‘Inga the Dark’, so-named because she’s the only brunette in their civilization, and ‘Todd’. Todd is the lone male left behind, so it seems, when most of the guys sailed off to the west and didn’t come back. Well, the gals decide to sail after the guys to find’em. Todd, sensing favorable male to female ratios on the voyage, stows away. Who can blame him? I found the ‘cast a spear’ method of voting on the trip amusing… what’s the margin of error? Plus or minus two spears? I’d love to see the exit polearms.
Well, they sail into rough waters and briefly meet the Sea Serpent of the title - and then a bolt of lightning detonates their sail like it was soaked in nitroglycerin. Our heroes then wash up on the beach of the island where their Viking pals have been enslaved. (Crow : “Meanwhile, in From Here to Eternity…”) The residents of the island don’t enslave the girls (and Todd) immediately, inviting them along on a boar hunt - and of course, one of the gals manages to show up the king’s son - who screams like a girl, and is generally the most “fey” character I’ve seen in a long time. The gals (and Todd) are imprisoned, arrange an escape, only to be betrayed by Inga the Dark.
We get a wonderful host segment at this point - Crow as Willy the Waffle, trying to convince Tom of the importance of Waffles. This segment is a direct parody of a short they’d later actually watch, Spring Fever. (Crow : ‘Nooo Waffles!’) We head back for our movie climax - and Tom opines on Inga’s resemblance to Creepy Girl, even as her change of heart begins. Thanks to her… (okay, and Todd) the Vikings escape.
We close with more waffles, and a jaunty song.
Signature Riffs :
(a shot of a cloud)
<Crow> : ‘Roger, this is God, pick up the pace.’
(towards the end, vikings sailing away)
<Tom> : ‘You know, this Home Economics film took a weird turn somewhere.’
I love The Home Economics Story! “Kay got a real thrill out of mailing that application.” Joel and bots: “BWAH-hahaha! Eeeeee! Ooh…okay, be cool…” And of course, “Look, look, lookit my crotch!”
The “I’m a Grimwald Warrior!” moment had me in tears. That and the bots calling him Freddie Mercury.
The original short is even longer.
IMDB says 25 minutes, right? Seems like they used most of it…
So, any new episode reports?
I’m planning to tackle a pair tonight, God willing and the creek don’t rise.
**MST3K 3.18 - Star Force (Fugitive Alien 2) **
We open on the SOL as Tom and Crow debate puppet anthropology. There’s a fun little puppet pop quiz, too.
This is a sequel to the assembled-from-TV movie Fugitive Alien, showcased in episode 3.10 of MST. It’s brought to us by Sandy Frank, and opens with a recap of what’s gone on before, as if we care. Then we pick up directly where the last one left off. Yes, the whole gang’s back… Ken the Starwolf, Rocky, Captain Gerbilcheeks… The crew gets a big kick out of the instrumentation on the heroes’ ship - several gauges measuring ‘tenperature’ in various places, including ‘Sunny Side’ and ‘Other Side’. Right off the bat, they pass through a black hole - so just forget all that science jazz.
As we approach the host segment, Tom’s head explodes.
Emergency on the SOL, and Joel struggles to resuscitate Servo, resorting to the defibrillators and finally bringing him around. Back in the theater, we get tons of musical fun - callbacks to the Forklift song abound, and a few nods to the Sandy Frank song. Our heroes are forced to enlist the aid of the pasty-blue alien colonel they busted out of prison last time, in an effort to repair their engines in time to escape an exploding star. It’s like dramatic tension, but with half the calories. We get some Pomp and Circumstance as the ship is saved, but things take a twist when they reach the colonel’s home planet, and get involved in a laser-filled dogfight. The battle concludes quickly and they land the ship on a desert. Watch for Crow’s amusing callback to the fey Grimwald warrior.
Joel and the Bots pimp Star Force Action Figures! Back in the theater, Joel and Tom begin to get annoyed with Crow’s impression of Rocky the Flying Squirrel, which he does ever other time someone says Rocky’s name in the film. (“Again?”) Then our heroes are seemingly terrified by some corn, and there’s a horribly misplaced cymbal-sting on the soundtrack, like someone just told a joke. As an aside, I was holding my ink pen in my mouth watching this, and taking notes - and there’s some brilliant well-timed riffing during this “infiltration” of the nemy base that nearly made me inhale the pen. To get over the force field wall, Starwolf Ken bodily hurls his companions over the top. Inside the enemy base, we see a super Tom Servo! Really some kind of weapon widget. Our heroes pull off the sabotage, the colonel is killed by irony, and one of the team is tortured with an electric razor.
This is my favorite host segment - the Forklift Medley.
Our “climax” of the film includes a horrendously long chain of explosions - and really, if you use explosions to the point where even they become tedious, you are way off track. Our heroes somehow end up on a college campus, and there’s a semi-random encoutner with a girl that looks like Ken’s mom, and a big battle with Frat boys, using the GI Joe and Cobra blue and red laser-firing pistols that can’t hit anything except B.A.T.s. It is then that we see the big battle between Ken and the villain of the piece, ‘Halkon’, or as I like to call him, Kabuki Vader. He has a lovely blond wig like the Raiders in the first movie, though. There’s a dogfight that looks like it was lifted right out of Star Wars, and the movie ends.
Signature Riff:
(during opening credits)
<Joel> : ‘McMlxxxvi? He’s the Scottish guy in charge of copyright.’
**
MST3K 3.19 - War of the Colossal Beast **
Yes, it’s another sequel picture, this time a sequel to the Amazing Colossal Man, featured in episode #3.09. Shown with that most infamous of MST shorts, Mr. B Natural. Wow. If you haven’t seen Mr. B Natural, it’s sort of a defining moment - I saw it for the first time last night, and I alternated between awe and amusement. Mr. B is a Peter-Pan-esque manifestation of evil… er, music. And… wow. Mr. B is played by a woman, leading to our signature riff and the first host segment (which it lasts up to, much like Home Economics Story) :
Mr. B Natural, Man or Woman? A debate featuring Tom and Crow.
Then we get into the pain - well, mediocrity, really. There’s a trumpet blast accompanying each credit, as if there’s some importance to the names on the screen. Just the usual Bert I. Gordon suspects, nothing to see here. Turns out Glen Manning, the Colossal Colonel, survived his plunge last time, and though horribly wounded, has been surviving by grabbing up trucks with food, in Mexico. Our protagonists include “Major Bland”, the army officer who’s interested in the other one, Joyce Manning, Glen’s sister.
We get to see Mike play Glen again, during the second host segment.
And really, I’m not going to belabor the summary here - they concoct a plan to trap Glen with a truckful of bread doped with chloral hydrate, it works, they fly him into the states, he escapes, they take him down with a gas gun - gee, I bet he escapes during the last act, too. Basically, I could write this movie in a paragraph. The scientists check Glen’s brainwaves for brain damage, and give him a little slideshow, to no avail. He escapes… again … and makes his way to Griffith Park, and the observatory therein, prompting many Rebel without a Cause riffs. His sister goes to him, he has a moment of clarity, and electrocutes himself on high voltage power lines, somehow kicking the film into color for the last thirty seconds.
Finally, on the SOL, Glen (played by Mike) helps read the letter.
Signature Riff:
(regarding a dancing B Natural)
<Joel> : 'You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he were this gay."
Between Mr. B and Mr. B.I.G. this was one of their best episodes. It seemed to me that the short was damaged and incomplete. It really says something about the flick that they used it anyway.
<boy> “I’m going upstairs to read.”
<J&TB> “Well try not to make so much noise while you ‘read.’”
Mr. B is one of my favorite shorts.
“Are you a musician, Mr. B?” “No, I’m in marketing.”
“Believe in the power of music, Buzz …” “… or I’ll KILL you!”
“Later the Midvale police search his locker and find out why they call him ‘Buzz’.”
Certainly one of my favorites (I entered the MST Convention costume contest dressed as Ross) and, far and away the funniest follow-up host segment! When he places the Ross doll in the bag with the big snake and bangs it on the table, I lose it every time!And, regarding the film itself (Teenage Caveman), how could we not mention that the part of the elder caveman was played by ** Frank de Kova**, lovable “Chief Wild Eagle” from ** F Troop**?
'til the end of Season Three, after this batch.
MST3K 3.20 - The Unearthly
Available on Volume 3.
The Bots are staging a ‘Funniest Home Video’, Crow predictably gets horribly burned.
The movie is preceded by TWO shorts this time out : The tepid Posture Pals, and Appreciating Our Parents. Crow remains burned initially, but ducks out during the shorts to ‘freshen up.’ These lead into the first host segment, with Crow taking on the role of ‘Timmy’ from Appreciating Our Parents, as Tom taunts him with all the things Gypsy does for the SOL.
Then, it’s The Unearthly, starring John Carradine, and featuring Tor Johnson as Lobo - the baddest fraggin’ bastich in the entire film. A doctor abuses his patient’s trust, placing her in the hands of the Carradine Institute for Mad Science. We get vague (read : obvious and clear) hints that Carradine’s up to no good - including a twitchy catatonic Grandpa Munster lookalike he keeps in the basement. A shifty looking sort that seems to be a wanted murderer shows up - and guess what? He’s our protagonist. Carradine blackmails him into hanging around.
Outside the theater, the bots cook up a little salute to Tor Johnson, using Video Toaster, which, if memory serves, is Joel plugging his own little product on the show. Back at the movie, we finally get the exposition - Carradine’s been working on a “17th gland” to grant eternal life. He makes his next test subject a fetching young blonde lass (and really, who wouldn’t?) and tries out the procedure on her.
The bots cook up an Unearthly board game for our third host segment, cobbled together from a bunch of other games. Inside, Tor’s burying Grandpa Munster, so the cops won’t find him - and we get a couple of good Fawlty Towers references form the crew as our “hero” sneaks around the manor house. The patients plan an escape, but are foiled - till the men outwit Tor, and then it’s anybody’s game! It turns out that our “hero” is an undercover cop, and before he can make good the arrest, Grandpa Munster digs his way out of his grave and offs Carradine. The riffs in Act 3 are increasingly laced with 30’s and 40’s gangster slang, which carries over into the final host segment.
Signature Riff :
<Crow> : “My Dinner With Andre had more locations than this film!”
MST3K 3.21 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
A perennial MST favorite, it was released to DVD as part of ‘The Essentials’, a double bundle including Manos : The Hands of Fate. As a footnote, it seems like the film clips during the intro have changed in the last couple of episodes… it seems like the long-standing image from the Crawling Eye was replaced by ‘Scooting Godzilla’ from Godzilla v. Megalon. Maybe I missed something.
We open with Christmas on the SOL, as Tom and Crow ogle catalogues. The Mads invent the ‘Wish Squisher’, and Joel and the Gang present some Misfit Toys.
Then, the movie. Oh, dear lord, the movie. The themesong, ‘Hooray for Santy Claus’ - yikes. We open with some Martian children watching a report on Santa Claus, on their TV. Excellent reception, too. A reporter interviews Santa, and Mrs. Claus gets real, REAL excited about being on TV. It’s worth noting that the Martian girl child is played by Pia Zadora - Joel and the Bots won’t fail to mention it though. We’re quickly introduced to Dropo, the Laziest Man on Mars. Dropo works for Pia’s dad, who’s concerned that the kids on Mars lead a joyless life - so concerned, that he consults Gandalf the Green, a Martian wizard of some sort who does at least manage to vanish in a cloud of smoke, after recommending that Mars Needs Women - er, a Santy Claus.
Host Segment One features Crow’s Christmas Carol, a Patrick Swayze Christmas. Which is worth the price of the DVD all by itself. Then we’re back in the thick of it - the Martians send an expeditionary force. Baffled by numerous street-corner Santas, they do what the Japanese do in times of crisis, consult random children. The kids drop the dime on Santa quick, and the Martians still take them along to the North Pole, where they unleash the fearsome robot Torg - who accomplishes absolutely nothing. The kids do manage to sabotage the Martians’ radar box - yes, it’s a wooden chest with a few cheap electronics glued inside the lid, why do you ask? This means the US Space Forces can track the Martians as they leave Earth - but that accomplishes nothing as well. It’s in this portion of the film we see the cheesiest fake polar bear of all time.
Host Segment Two - Joel has tricked Frank into sending up some good Christmas videos, and promises the Bots some decent viewing after this dreck. Meanwhile, in the movie, the Martians refuse to be stymied by the uselessness of their robot, and bust into Santa’s workshop, stunning the workers with guns that shoot a little puff of air. Santa and the Earth Children are then taken back towards Mars, and Santa quickly has a “lightening” effect on the mood of the crew - except Sinister Mustache Martian. No, SMM hates joy, so he tries to send Santa and the Kids out an Airlock - but Santa cleverly evades this using his magical chimney powers to ascend through an airduct. That’s right. An open airduct. Between the ship, and the airlock. Once Santa’s on Mars, he gets to meet the two Martian children from the opening, and they and the Earth children and Santa all share this really creepy belly laugh. The Martians set up an automated factory for Santa to make toys, while Sinister Mustache Martian plots. Dropo dresses up as Santa and… well, that’s Act Three. I don’t want to spoil it yet.
Host Segment Three - the Bots read their Christmas Essays, Tom gets concerned about Santa’s ability to survive in space. In the film, the factory is sabotaged, and, mistaking him for Santa, Dropo is kidnapped by the SMM and pals. It all culinates in a really strange battle in the toy factory, with the kids beating on the SMM with toys as Santa looks on and howls with laughter. Ultimately, Dropo gets the nod as the Martian Santa, and the real Santa and Earth kids return home.
The end of the episode includes a good riff on the Gift of the Magi with the Mads.
Signature Riff:
(Re : The North Pole set)
<Joel> : "You know, these are like cheap versions of the Lost in Space sets. "
Maybe this has already been revealed, but is Fugitive Alien on any of the box sets? I’m dying to see that one.
I’m on the MST3K Info Mailing List, and every Christmas Eve they send out an email with the text of the Swayze Christmas Song and “A Child’s Christmas in Space”. It’s just not Christmas until I get that email.
Oh God, the polar bear! I have to rewatch that movie tomorrow.
Hooray for Santy Claus (clap-clap-clap-clap)! They actually do a callback to that song in (spoilered because the randomness of the callback is what makes it hilarous):
Operation Double 007, along with a callback to Gamera, and a visit from Torgo.
but that’s down the line.