Hey! Clu Gulager is the father of John Gulager, the director from Project Greenlight 3. He cast his dad in the wacky gorefest he made on that show, Feast.
So what exactly is the Van Patten project? I only remember one moment from that show, when Demi runs out in front of Tims van and as he swerves, Crow riffs, “Woah! that’s Demi Moore!”
Dick Van Patten’s plot to infiltrate his family into crappy television shows. Crow even made a flowchart.
First, my apologies - I only got through one of the two remaining Season Three Episodes last night.
MST3K 3.23 - The Castle of Fu-Manchu
Joel and the Bots are cheery as the SOL Marching Band; the cheerfulness will soon evaporate. Joel is unprepared for the Invention Exchange.
This one was rough, folks. The riff density is great, but … just ouch. This is the crew’s first, and I suspect only, encounter with Director Jess Franco. Perhaps not. The colors are godawful, the editing is atrocious, and … it’s just bad. We open with the villain monologue, and then there’s some confusion - apparently, he uses a machine to make an instant iceberg to sink a ship - the editing and voiceover giving the impression that he’s ON the ship, but he’s not. Our chief villain is Fu-Manchu, assayed by Christopher Lee; His daughter (Sue-Manchu?) rather resembles an asian Marlo Thomas, AKA ‘That Girl’. Fu-Manchu wil be opposed by the Most British People Ever. The plot has something to do with the opium trade, and Istanbul, and mystical scientific crystals that make water freeze instantly.
Host Segment One - Crow delivers an editorial about ‘Miss Saigon Syndrome’, caucasian actors playing non-caucasian parts. Ultimately, he and Tom break down in sobbing because of the pain of the movie, and the Mads gloat.
There’s a raid on the titular castle - which seems to be the main character, as we don’t really have a protagonist, and I think the castle gets the most screentime - and Fu-Manchu takes possession. We get to meet this dying scientist fellow that holds the key to that ice-crystal process… which we already saw Fu-Manchu use, so I’m not sure what the problem is, and why they need him alive. They apparently do, so they kidnap two specialist doctors right out from under the noses of British Intelligence personnel.
Host Segment Two - Based on the familiar fezzes in the movie, the crew attempts to stage a Shriners sketch on flying carpets, but Tom breaks down again.
Our specialists are brought to Fu-Manchu’s castle - frozen, in coffin-like boxes. We get our “vampire” homage as they stiffly pull themselves out of the boxes right in front of the somewhat mortified HEART PATIENT. Good planning, Fu. Of course, even though the specialists wake up in the room with this heart patient, whom they know and have treated before, Fu feels obligated to tell them the identity of the patient they’ll be treating, as if it were the name of the “real” Kennedy Assassin. To induce the doctors to work, Fu blows up a Dam. Why? Who knows. The doctors are Dam scared, though, and operate. (Watch the operation scene for a hilarious Dragnet riff that only works with the visual.)
Host Degment Three - Joel tries to cheer the ailing bots with a presentation of the Life of Fu-Manchu, but succumbs to sobbing himself.
Apparently, Fu is going to destroy Istanbul, and one of the Really, Really British Guys is the world’s last chance. Sort of like James Bond, but dull. Once he sneaks into the castle, everything just devolves into chaos - cats and dogs, living together - total hysteria. Predictably, the castle blows up and Fu dies an ambiguous death amidst the rubble.
Closing - The crew is devastated - the Mads gloat, but Joel resists. He challenges the Mads to do what the crew does, to watch the movie - and we get about a minute of Dr. F and Frank feebly riffing the movie before they can endure no more.
Signature Riff:
(as Fu has threatened the heart specialist, to operate)
<Doctor> : ‘If I refuse?’
<Crow, As Fu> : ‘… I hadn’t thought of that.’
Reminds me of one of the later seasons when Perle and Mike switch places. We are then treated to Perle in the theater doing some excellent riffs and sharing popcorn and cokes with the bots. Then Mike is returned, and the bots are very upset and start calling him “Not Perle.”
Quest of the Delta Knights, if memory serves… 9th Season. “Pearl”, I think. In this case, Dr. F and Frank weren’t actually in the theater - Dr. F just set up a pull-down bluescreen in Deep 13.
Sounds like I’ve been missing out with this episode. I hope it makes it onto the rhino release list.
**MST3K 3.24 - Master Ninja II **
Please note, the link goes to the same IMDB page as for Master Ninja; the “movie-ized” versions don’t have individual entries.
We open on the SOL with the SOL Improv Group - the Bots and Joel invent a Hamster biosphere.
Then we’re thrust into more wacky 80’s fun* with two more episodes of “The Master” awkwardly mated to create a shambling shibboleth of “entertainment”. (*fun may not be available in all areas. Check your local listings.)
We’re at a motorcross/dirtbike race, and apparently Max (Tim Van Patten) is something of an extreme sports aficionado. Of course, this is before they were extreme. Our special guest star this week is the plucky, union-organizaing cannery-worker chick, played by Crystal Bernard of Wings, who beats Max at his own sport, while Lee Van Cleef looks on, fondling Max’s gerbil. Max naturally falls in love with the girl immediately, thereby sucking he and Master Ninja into conflict with the anti-union conflict about to arise. The Master does demonstrate the classic Ninja trick of slowing his heartbeat to a near-stop at a hotel, and this establishes the ability for later.
Host Segment One : The Bots describe the custom paint jobs they’d get on their vans.
Max and Master Ninja walk into a bar. No, it’s not a joke, but the script could use a few. I suppose it sort of counts as a running gag, as once again, Max gets into a barfight. Tensions build. Crystal holds a Union-organizing meeting, and there’s an attempt at rousing speeches that motivates the crowd. (“Howard Johnson is right!”) After, thugs in jeeps attack Van Cleef - and he doesn’t even kick their ass, instead, fleeing on the back of Max’s motorcycle - which gives us a chase sequence, at least.
Host Segment Two : Very brief interlude with Crow as mumble-mouthed General Van Patten.
The thugs shoot out the van’s window, and it crashes, stunning Max, and apparently killing Van Cleef. Yeah, right. Even 80’s TV audiences aren’t dumb enough to fall for that. We get another “Mendoza!” from the crew. The thugs capture Crystal and Max, and take them to where they’re burying the Ninja - Crow cracking Cryptkeeper references all the while - and Van Cleef rises from the grave and beats up the thugs with their own shovels. We get a minute or so of denouement, and suddenly, we’re in the second episode - Max flying an ultralight, and saving a blonde from a runaway car. Van Cleef is still being observed by his Ninja brethren, we are reminded, and it will be important later.
I think the editing to make this into a movie really hurt this, and I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt - things are very loosely tied together to link that opening into a group of freedom fighters, planning to crash and upper-crust party and take hostages. We do get to meet one of the Master Ninja’s old pals at the party - James Bond! Well, okay, he’s George Lazenby, and spends the entire episode in a tux, and drives a car with radar… maybe he’s a Bond ‘homage’.
Host Segment Three : Tom is an expert on associating pets to detectives.
A rescue mission is prepared for the hostages, with Bond and Ninja at the lead. Since we saw him earlier in the episode, The Master’s Ninja rival shows up to interfere. (wearing what Joel calls “Bruce Lee Press-On Nails”) There’s a really odd scene showing a guy offering food to the hostages about this time - seems like it could’ve been cut in favor of something that explains more of what’s going on. In the end, Ninja, Bond, and Max all make their way to the terrorist compound and save the day.
Conclusion : Joel shows off the Van Cleef doll.
Season Three - in Review
The show’s really solid by this point. We said hello, and goodbye, to Sandy Frank. We got our first exposure to Roger Corman. There were a lot of oriental themes (Master Ninja, Gamera, Time of the Apes, Fugitive Alien, Fu-Manchu…) and a lot of continuity between movies (Master Ninja I and II; Fugitive Alien and Fugitive Alien 2, Amazing Colossal Man and War of the Colossal Beast; the Gamera series) and a couple of others that were sequels for which we never saw the originals (Cave Dwellers, Fu-Manchu). The Mads really came close to breaking the Crew with Fu-Manchu.
But it’s nothing compared to what’s to come - Season Four opens with the only Oscar-winning film they ever did, and closes with the legendary Manos. We’ll even see some Ed Wood, and some of the Hercules films.
I just have to say that the stinger at the end of Master Ninja II - a brief shot of Lee Van Cleef fondling the gerbil - is one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen. I need a screenshot of that to use as my wallpaper at work.
Remember, He’s got the thighs of a hamster…
Great reviews! Keep it up!!!
“Mendoza!” is from the Simpsons? I thought it sounded familar. I’m having the worst time acquiring Master Ninja II. I love the first one. My favorite riff: Van Clef’s ninja rival is stalking him. A trumpet lick sounds at the same time as he suddenly glances right.
Joel: Wait! Whose theme is that?
I also love Crow freaking out as Queen “La-tifa” unmasks himself.
So it would seem. I did some reading last week of various MST sites with FAQs, trivia, et cetera, and I think it was a Joel Robinson interview, perhaps, where he talked about how he’d heard the Simpsons’ guys were pleased they’d used the Mendoza bit. Mendoza, of course, is McBain’s nemesis.
MST3K Season Four
Expect a slightly slower pace for the moment, as I’m a bit bogged down. Season Four would be Joel’s last full season on the show, but we’ll hit some really high notes as far as the episodes go.
MST3K 4.01 - Space Travelers
We open on the SOL, as the Great Crowdini demonstrates his escape act - unfortunately, losing the hidden key and getting his head blown off by a cannon.
The film for our season Four opener is Marooned, AKA Space Travelers. Apparently, cheapo outfit Film Ventures International picked it up, re-scored it, and added completely unrelated-looking credits, for release. This is the only MST3K film to win an Oscar (for Effects). It has a star-studded cast, as much so as any MST3K film. We get lots of rocket-launch stock footage right off the bat, and Joel and the Bots go on about how Gene Hackman is good in everything. Our heroes have a five-month long space journey in the space of a minute (whereas their launch stock footage took ten or so) but when the time comes for them to return, their rocket fails to ‘retrofire’.
Host Segment One - Joel and the Bots regale us with advances attributable to the Space Program.
Well, apparently the rocket’s backups are nonexistant, or don’t work - the dialogue is a little unclear. NASA scientists run simulations with a duplicate engine to figure out the problem. There’s a big meeting with Gregory Peck talking about how they’re going to spin the events to the press, and totally shooting down the idea of rescuing the pilots… then suddenly caving in and allowing the rescue attempt. They have the pilots conserve oxygen by taking little knockout pills.
(Tom, as Astronaut, on Oxygen : “Don’t worry, I have sleep apnea, I won’t use much.”)
Host Segment Two - Re-enacting the movie just to hear Crow’s killer Peck impersonation.
NASA brings the Astronauts’ wives in to have a few tearful chats over the video link; Hackman’s character loses it completely. The rescue mission is scrubbed because of a Hurricane - Peck talks to the Press and gets annoyed with their prying questions, but then someone shows him that the eye will pass over - Drama! - and they can launch after all, if they hurry. Unfortunately, the math shows that there’s not enough oxygen left for all three men to survive, a discovery that Peck and the Astronauts dance around for quite some time. Richard Crenna makes the decision to “go out and try to fix the engine” - or does he?
Host Segment Three - Joel tries to have the Bots ponder what they’d do if one of the three of them had to be sacrificed, like in the movie - the Bots point out they don’t need Oxygen.
Turns out that crafty Richard Crenna may have been stepping out to sacrifice himself for the other two, but we’ll never know for sure, as his spacesuit accidentally rips. Peck has to notify the guy’s wife, even as the rescue ship approaches the capsule. Hackman and the other guy start to get a little punchy in the thin air, and pop the hatch on their capsule, and head outside - right as a Russian pod is passing by. The Russian sort of feebly offers aid to the Americans, and Hackman nearly floats into re-entry, but the rescue guy shows up, and all is well.
Signature Riff:
(regarding the astronaut’s helmets)
<Crow> : “Stupid guy, stranded in space - head looks like a gumball machine.”
<Tom> : “Ahem.”
Speaking of star-studded casts, I just watched 608 - Code Name:Diamond Head for the first time this weekend. The villain is played by Ian McShane, who is the same one who’s been Emmy-nominated repeatedly for Deadwood.
And as they point out repeatedly, the title star of “Lovejoy.”
I had never heard of “Lovejoy” until after I watched the episode, so much of the riffing went whoosh.
It was a murder-Mystery series from Great Britain and shown on A&E in the US. He played an antique dealer who was always getting sucked into mysteries.
*Lovejoy * was a fun show. I always think of Ian McShane in his role as Judas Iscariot in Franco Zefferelli’s 10-hour miniseries Jesus of Nazareth, which I was forced to watch every Easter week as a child. I forgot he was in an episode of MST3K. I’ll have to check that out.
**MST3K 4.02 - The Giant Gila Monster **
We open on the SOL was Crow’s head has been grafted to Tom’s body, creating a Thing With Two Heads. Then we get a little headless mayhem as both bots’ bodies run around without the benefit of a cranium.
This movie hurt me. Almost nothing happens. We get the usual 50’s “teens”, and the adults that are vaguely dissatisfied with them. Somewhere, stock footage of a Gila Monster lurks, occasionally extending a clawed hand to consume some of the aforementioned teenagers. Joel and the Bots make a number of classic TV reference - mostly Green Acres (for the rural setting) and the Munsters (because of the old jalopies used throughout.)
Host Segment One - how to turn your closet space into a malt shop, mocking the tiny teen hangout seen in the film.
There’s lots of talking, and walking, and teens wandering into danger. We do learn our hero, the mechanic, has a talent for atonal singing. And propping his leg up on things.
Host Segment Two - Funny Drunk stereotypes.
Now, in the movie, we get our requisite tear-jerking, with the little girl in the leg braces. Hoping to increase her suffering, the mechanic sings to her. The Gila Monster decides to actually get semi-involved, taking out a bridge and causing a train to derail. Then a sock-hop breaks out nearby. I say nearby, but I’m not really sure - the Gila Monster does ineffectually wander by in the next piece of the movie though.
Host Segment Three - Servo on Cinema - profile of director Ray Kellogg. And a salute to leg-propping.
The Gila Monster moves in towards the dance, as I mentioned - no doubt lured by the mechanic’s singing, which resembles the mating call of the giant gila monster. Using some nitroglycerin established earlier, our hero loads his jalopy up, and points it at the monster, bailing out at the last second, detonating the lizard and his car. Hooray.
I’m serious, this movie is 95% padding. Ow.
Hopefully I’ll be able to do a couple more this weekend - hope folks are still interested!