Kathy Ireland was in some ad campaigns for beer where she had to talk, and it wasn’t that bad. Her voice matched all expectations for “pretty airhead”, which was the vibe she gave. I have no idea what she’s really like, but I doubt it helps a model’s career if people start thinking she’s smart.
Kathy Ireland markets her own line of clothing, and probably makes a hell of a lot more money at it than she ever made as a model. She may seem like an airhead, but I suspect she’s actually a very smart cookie.
Besides, she sent Crow a bouquet and a card after he sang his song to her, so you know she has a sense of humor.
I didn’t mean to imply that she actually is an airhead, just that the image she projected was that of one. She started modeling about 20 years ago and still has some kind of career, so obviously she’s doing things right.
I’d forgotten about her clothing line since we don’t have K-Marts in our area anymore.
Enough hijacking though. I saw an ad for the 9th MST3K DVD set in a comic book yesterday, so I guess that will be out pretty soon. I’m glad they’re popular enought to warrant this many releases.
MST3K 5.16 - Alien From L.A.
Oh, merciful heavens. Kathy Ireland stars as the hot-girl-dressed-as-a-nerd, whose boyfriend breaks up with her because she’s afraid of everything. She hears her father has died - fell down a bottomless pit, apparently - and zooms off to find him. What follows is ‘Journey to the Center of the Earth’ through a bad 80’s movie filter, as Kathy journeys to subterranean Atlantis. There’s also a post-Apocalyptic feel to the underground realm. (“Hey, It’s ‘Sad Max’!”) Lowlights include Kathy’s hypersonic vocalizations and general lack of acting talent. But, lord help me, it’s funny. Watch for well-placed Benny Hill music vocalized by Crow during a chase scene.
Intro : Crow conducts boot camp, Mike has to field-strip Servo. Amusing Full Metal Jacket riffs. Invention : Vend-a-Gut (organ vending machine), Fridge Udders. Host Segments : Mike tries to guess which model Tom and Crow are having trouble remembering; Song : My Wild Irish Ireland; “Guess Kathy’s Emotion”. Finale : Frank tries to insert $150K in quarters to buy a new liver.
Fun Fact : “Deep Roy”, actor responsible for the Oompa Loompas in the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, has a bit part in the movie.
Signature Riffs :
(as Kathy asks her boyfriend why she was being dumped, repeatedly and shrilly)
<Tom, as boyfriend> : “It’s your helium addiction.”
(Kathy hears a noise, her father’s still missing, presumed dead)
<Kathy> “Dad?”
<Mike> “Look, your Dad isn’t responsible for everything that happens in the world.”
<Mike> “Aw, I thought we were beyond Thunderdome…”
<Crow> “This is where all those new-wave bands went when the wave was over.”
(about Kathy’s signature grin)
<Crow> : “She’s filtering krill through those teeth!”
**
MST3K 5.17 - The Beginning of the End**
Once available on DVD from Rhino, they have now lost the rights to produce the film, so if you want a copy, snap it up now!
A town disappears. Department of Agriculture scientists growing giant fruits with radiation have poor waste disposal techniques. Giant locusts. Peter Graves. A typical 50’s giant-monster movie - for another similar formulaic gem, try The Deadly Mantis. This marks Graves’ second appearance on MST, and we’ll see him again in parts : the clonus horror. This Bert I Gordon gem is notable for the use of normal grasshoppers on postcards to simulate the giant locusts scaling buildings in downtown Chicago.
Intro : Wrong number on the Hexfield. Inventions : Recomfy bike; alternate Playing Cards. Host Segments : Mike calls the Mads unscheduled, and gets a horrifying glimpse into their private life; Crow’s latest screenplay - Peter Graves at the University of Minnesota; Tom does a standup routine on locusts, Finale: The crew riffs on the postcard effects, the Mads box, trying to re-establish their masculinity.
Signature Riffs:
(the credits use a wavy fade as a transition)
<Mike> “Is this a flashback to previous credits?”
<Tom> “Women on the verge of an atomic breakdown.”
(as Graves’ deaf-mute assistant is attacked by a locust)
<Mike> “He’s signing : ‘Ahhhhhhh!’”
(as the armed forces retreat from a locust attack)
<Crow> “One weekend a month, my ass!”
Next:
5.18 - The Atomic Brain
5.19 - Outlaw
That was Kim Cattrall.
MST3K 5.18 - The Atomic Brain
This little stinker’s sort of a re-hash of the idea advanced in The Brain that Couldn’t Die. Shown with Short, What About Juvenile Delinquency?. Available in Collection 3.
Rich old lady is dying, and funds a discredited scientist who’s working on a brain transplant procedure. An atomic brain transplant procedure. Oy. She hires three foreign domestics as potential bodies to jack and is ultimately undone when the doctor transplants her mind into the body of his pet cat. But she has her revenge for that one. A lot of exposed skin in this film for the time period.
Intro : Dress Rehearsal of “Love Letters” with Tom and Crow; Inventions : The Bots dress as the Mads, the Mads dress as the bots. Host Segments : Tom becomes Weather Servo 9; Mike demonstrates the fine art of chin-puppetry; Magic Voice gets hit on by the narrator from the film. Finale : Crow riffs on the Fugitive, letters. (including the one asking what the K in the show’s name stands for - answered by Tom : ‘It stands for Karl, who invented lightning.’)
Signature Riffs:
(the narrator describes the doctor’s man with dog-brain sidekick as one of the doctor’s mistakes)
<Tom> “In retrospect, an obvious mistake.”
(as a mindless woman reanimated by the doctor wanders into the room aimlessly, and barefoot)
<Mike> “Hey! No shoes, No brain, no service, lady.”
MST3K 5.19 - Outlaw
Also known as “Outlaw of Gor”. That’s right. This B-Fantasy 80’s flick heavily features Jack Palance, and the obvious riffs ensue. It’s also got a lot of exposed flesh. Based on the Gor novels, schleppy hero ‘Cabot’ (you’ll remember the name, trust me) returns to the otherdimensional realm of Gor with his whiny friend in tow, and becomes embroiled in a plot by the current queen to assassinate the king. Must see, for ‘Tubular Boobular’ if nothing else.
Intro : Roughhousing on the SOL; Inventions : Time Machine; Fabio kit. Host Segments : Review of Mike’s acting career; Tubular Boobular song; Excerpts from Palance’s autobiography. Finale : Salute to the Buffalo Shot.
Signature Riffs :
(as the king, who wears an unusual head ornamentation)
<Crow> “I can’t find the Christmas Tree star anywhere!”
(with regard to the blonde dwarf sidekick of the hero)
<Mike> “I figured it out. That guy’s the photo negative of Herve Villachez.”
(as slaves toil in the salt mines)
<Mike> (singing) “Oh you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from…”
Next up:
Radar Secret Service
Santa Claus
MST3K 5.20 - Radar Secret Service
Shown with short, Last Clear Chance.
Fun, fun. An ordinary pulpish crime caper movie get squashed aside here, to make room for a metric ton of pro-RADAR propaganda. All hail RADAR. The short, on the other hand, is brilliant in that lovely unintentional way, and I can’t help but think it might’ve been shown to some of you folks in school, if you were of the right generation.
Intro : Mike does maintenance on Crow, triggers a Horschak subroutine. Inventions : The Mads discuss Hypno Helio Static Stasis (with X-4), the upgraded form of Deep Hurting and Rock Climbing, but otherwise, no inventions. Host Segments : Trooper Tom riffs on the Last Clear Chance as Mike has increasingly improbable household accidents; Bots stage a Class of 83 reunion for Mike; Quinn Martin Nature Preserve. Finale : Mike and the Bots counter with Ecstato-Euphoro Fun. (With Hinder-90)
Signature Riffs :
<Cop, referring to accidents> “Some of them you heard about in the papers.”
<Crow, as Cop> “Others, we hushed up.”
<Mike> “Trains are blameless, holy creatures.”
(regarding the title of the main feature)
<Crow> “Gary Burghoff goes undercover!”
<Mike> “Boy, Vintage cars were really popular back then.”
<Mike> “It’s kinda like Radar <i>Obvious</i> Service.”
MST3K 5.21 - Santa Claus
This is one of my all-time favorite episodes. I’ll easily put it up against anything else they’ve ever done. The movie is just so acid-trippy and the riffs so non-stop that it is a perfect MST experience. Santa Claus (aided by children, Merlin the magician, and the narrator) wages war against Pitch (flamboyant servant of Satan) who wishes to interfere with Christmas. It’s a Mexican children’s movie, and boy, is it out there. If you don’t split a gut during the singing international Santa’s-helpers scene, there’s something wrong with you.
Intro : Caroling Chaos; Gift Exchanges. (No Inventions). Host Segments : Rock Band ‘Santa Klaws’; The Bots contact the wrong Nelson family as a gift to Mike; Song : “Merry Christmas if That’s OK”; Finale : A snowy miracle on the SOL; Pitch and Santa battle in Deep 13.
Signature Riffs:
<Tom> “Do you think its really a good idea to jingle ALL the way?”
<Narrator> “Japan also helps Santa.”
<Mike, as Narrator> “By investing in his toymaking corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.”
<Helper, regarding a toy devil> “Santa, do you like this devil?”
<Tom, as Santa> “Why, he owns my soul!”
<Crow> “Now THIS is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel!”
<Crow> “Ah, the classic battle between evil, and the narrator.”
Next Up : Teenage Crime Wave
Those are some good ones. That train short nearly made me wet myself, especially the comments of the cops cleaning up the car wreck: “Could you identify this bucket of your brother?” “So, uh, you doing anything tonight?” (To the girlfriend of the guy that just got smeared)
And Santa Claus, as Santa battles Satan: “Man, this is some weird-ass theology.”
Glad to see this thread again. I bought two more volumes last week, plus Red Zone Cuba and Eegah. I’ll have to look for those reviews.
We picked up Volume 9 Friday night and we’ve already watched three of the four discs!
I’ve never seen the MST3K version of Santa Claus, but my husband’s sister owns a VHS copy of the original movie. Santa’s omnipotence, spy telescope and Satan-fighting caused her and my husband to refer to the movie as Santa Claus, Mexican God.
I hope I’m not breaking any rules by mentioning this, but we’ve found quite a bit of MST3K material on YouTube. I don’t think it’s any different from “circulating the tapes”, and there’s a lot of fun stuff and rare footage available.
MST3K 5.22 - Teenage Crimewave
A classic tale of juvenile delinquency exaggerated to Bugsy Malonian proportions. An innocent girl in the wrong place at the wrong time gets hauled off to a reformatory with her pal - only to be sprung by her pal’s ultra violent boyfriend. They then take a farm family hostage, and spend the rest of the movie threatening the good farm folk until the last minute climax.
Opening : Mike and the Bots plot an escape; Invention : Dr. F has Mace Mousse, Mike invents… an escape skit! Host Segments : Salute to doughy guys; SOL’s Deli, with movie-themed items; Mentos parody (Mystos). Finale : Frank as Doughy Man - he gets repeatedly maced.
- Just noticed - credits in Season Five seem to have lost the ‘Keep Circulating the Tapes’ present in S4. Huh.
Signature Riffs :
(regarding a rough kiss)
<Mike> “He either loves her, or he’s hungry.”
<Mike> “This guy’s not even sexual enough to be a ‘femme’!”
(as the gunsel sobs for his lost gal)
<Crow> “Oh, go ahead, let it out. Have a Teenage Cry-Wave.”
Next:
5.23 - Village of the Giants
MST3K 5.23 - Village of the Giants
What an odd movie. Tommy Kirk, Ron Howard, Toni Basil, Beau Bridges - lots of recognizable names in this ever-so-slightly risque Disney-style movie gone askew. A kid genius accidentally invents a formula that makes animals or people grow; some teenage hoodlums steal a sample and ingest it, growing to titanic size and terrorizing the small town.
Intro : Mike and the Bots do their Quarterly workout; Dr. F fires Frank. Host Segments : Frank’s slacking in Deep 13, Dr. F interviews his replacement : Torgo!; chatting with unemployed Frank; Frank says goodbye, but Mike and the Bots serenade him. Finale : Letters for Frank; Frank tricks Torgo and gets his job back.
(Credits sequence includes a brief note of tribute marking the passing of Frank Zappa.)
Signature Riffs :
(the credits proclaim 'Based on HG Well’s ‘The Food of the Gods’)
<Crow> “Based on? In that they’re both in English…”
(regarding Ron Howard)
<Mike> “I hope that blows up in his face so I don’t have to see Willow.”
<Crow> “Hey, I liked Willow!”
(an odd music cue as the characters descend into a basement)
<Tom> “Geez, the Ventures are down here somewhere…”
(regarding Beau, as Lloyd Bridges)
<Crow> “By this time, my son’s lungs were aching for air.”
MST3K 5.24 - 12 to the Moon
Shown with Short, Design for Dreaming.
Oy. A B&W space stinker - an exaggeratedly international space team sets off on a trip to the moon where, apparently, a powerful race of beings live with the ability to freeze the North American continent. Thank God they brought cats to appease these beings. Not that the plan to thaw North America by dropping an atom bomb from a space taxi into a volcano didn’t have its merits… the real winner here is the short, which is one of the best they’ve done. Also noteworthy is the fact that the “Big McLargeHuge” nicknaming trend used in Space Mutiny has its prototype here.
Intro : Gypsy and Mike have a tea party; Deep 13 Celebrity Roast of Dr. F. Host Segments : Mike is smitten by visitor Nuveena, a facsimile of the lady from the short; Mike and Nuveena prepare to move to her world of the Future; Mike has to reject Nuveena after she enslaves the Bots as appliances. Finale : The Bots console Mike with Chocolate Chip Cookie dough.
Signature Riffs :
(regarding the car emphasis of the short)
<Crow> “This is a rebuttal to Roger and Me.”
<Crow, as rocket commander> “I’m gonna set this to Central Stud Time, cause I’m Sledge Riprock.”
<Tom> " Meteors don’t travel in flocks."
<Mike> “Ladies and Gentlemen, the budget just ran out, so please, bear with us…”
Season Five Recap
A time for change - we lose the ‘Keep Circulating the Tapes’ admonition, and then we lose Joel, which would ultimately ignite an enormous internet flamewar. (But then, what doesn’t?) The set was tweaked, the credits redone - and then we tossed the Invention Exchange, too. On the whole, though, it was a solid season despite the change, with some excellent fodder and excellent riffing.
Next up - Mike’s only full season on Comedy Central! It’ll be two weeks though - going to be out of town next weekend.
Coincidentally enough, a MPLS band called Cloud Cult uses some of the audio from “Design For Dreaming” in one of their songs-
The part where the woman sings “Oooo! I want a Corvette” and the guy answers - well, I can never remember what he answers, because I always hear Joel replying “I don’t give a tin s**t” in a baritone voice.
I haven’t read the whole thread, CG, but a word of warning: Don’t watch any MST eps while also enjoying THC enhancement. You’ll die. Seriously. I watched… err… I mean a FRIEND of mine watched Robot Monster while enjoying the best of Mexico, and couldn’t breathe for the entire show, luckily it was a short movie.
The strongest chemical enhancement I ever enjoy is caffeine. And a minor point - that one’s Mike, not Joel. 
Ah, “Design for Dreaming”. It has what may be my favorite riff. When a sportscar with a very distinctive grill is shown, Crow just goes “GRRRRRR! GRRRRR!!”. Always maks me laugh.
Told you I was - I mean my FRIEND was- enhanced.
Bertie, that one gets me too.
If you think THAT’S bad, try to get a copy of “The Last Dance-RAW” which is a slapped together edit of Kevin going around with a minDV camera during the taping of the last episode, and getting comments from all the crew.
Design for Dreaming has my favorite riff – as they’re driving down the Highway of Tomorrow, towards the City of Tomorrow, the driver points out the window…and Mike says “look…Dead Raccoon of Tomorrow.”
Volume 10’s been announced with four new favorites - two Mikes and two Joels.
MST3K 6.01 - Girls Town
A star-studded teen trouble film - Mel Torme as the heavy (Bwahaha.), Mamie Van Doren, Paul Anka’s debut, and Harold Lloyd and Charlie Chaplin… Juniors, in both cases. It’s a tragic tale as a girl is put in “Girls Town” - which is a reform school that they refuse to call a reform school - for the suspicion she may have possibly had something to do with a murder. Dick Contino (Daddy-O) also appears. (And the Platters!)
Intro : Dr. F has a press conference to announce the Umbilicus, connecting Deep 13 and the SOL - but both ends are Male, so he sends Frank out for an adapter. Host Segments : Tom sings scat to honor Mel Torme, Mike and Crow attempt to fire him off the ship in a rocket; Musings on the Honor system; Speculation on what women of the future will look like. Finale : Frank return swith the adapter, Mike sends down the first interplanetary pie in the face gag.
Signature Riffs:
<Mike> (re : Mel Torme) “He’s like a youthful Jabba the Hutt.”
<Nun> “Some are so desperate for love, they invent it.”
<Crow, as Nun> “Some hold patents!”
(a Nun tells Mamie about St. Jude, patron St. of Lost Causes)
<Tom> “He was with the Mariners.”
(Re : Anka)
<Tom> “The music that rocked America… gently. To sleep.”
(detective tries to tail Torme)
<Mike> “Just follow the trail of scat.”
(a Nun gets involved in fisticuffs)
<Crow> “Oh, now it’s Greco-Roman Catholic wrestling!”
Next : 6.02 - Invasion U.S.A.
MST3K 6.02 - Invasion USA
Ow. Blatantly propagandist film that forcefeeds you stock footage until you explode, then reveals it was all a dream. Or a hypnotically induced hallucination. Basically, we follow the lives of a number of Americans as “the enemy” invades. Each learns a valuable lesson about sacrificing the self for the groupmind. Features two different Lois Lanes. Crow badly blows a line before the second host segment, but they keep going.
On the other hand, as singularly painful as the film was, the short that precedes it is one of the crew’s best : A Date With Your Family.
Intro : Mike tries to build a Bot and fails; Crow chooses the wire mother over Dr. F. Host Segments : Dinner Date with the SOL family; Which Lois is Better?; The A-Bomb visits on the Hexfield. (This is a rare, bad segment. Just completely fell flat for me.) Finale : Tom questions reality.
Signature Riffs:
(with regard to the short’s title)
<Tom> “The Woody Allen Story!”
<Crow> “Emotions are for ethnic people.”
<Cowboy Guy> “There’s a fellow in my hotel that knows all the angles…”
<Tom> “Calls himself Euclid.”
(re : Stock Footage)
<Crow> “So, World War 3 is gonna be a lot like World War 2 then…”
Next : The Dead Talk Back