But there’s the Poopy Suit Song! “Don’t crap in your hat, crap in your poopy suit…”
MST3K 6.14 - San Francisco International
Political squabbling at a major airport. A clever plan to heist three million dollars. A neglected kid stealing an ultralight. It’s all in a day’s work for San Francisco International. Let’s just say that the ‘failed pilots’ aren’t just confined to the cast of characters.
Intro : Political Debate of Nonsequiturs, Mike demonstrates a classic Board gag. Host Segments : Mike does Urkel and busts everyone up. Including surprise guests Santa and Jan in the Pan; Still doing Urkel, Pitch and Huggybear join in the hilarity; Nuveena and Torgo are the last to join in the laughter, but Torgo spoils the fun. Finale : Dr. F’s ears are large.
Signature Riffs:
<Crow> (spots a credit for Andrew Jackson) “Old Hickory! A.S.C.”
<Tom> “I think this is the restored 2nd Unit Director’s Cut.”
(spotting Tab Hunter)
<Mike> “Insert Tab ‘A’ into ‘B’ Movie…”
(as a smug hippie character)
<Mike> “The answer, my friend, is blow it out your ass.”
(in front of giant spools)
<Tom, as character> “If I could only find some thread, I… Holy Cow!”
MST3K 6.15 - Kitten With a Whip
Another “Teens misbehaving” movie. In this one, an aspiring senator gets mixed up with a mentally unbalanced reform-school escapee, played by Ann Margret. His desire to help the girl gets him in deeper and deeper trouble. But in the end, it’s all okay. The teens die, and he’s cleared. Hooray!
Intro : Crow goes on a commando raid to Deep 13. Host Segments : Mike gives the bots ‘Bionic’ noises - they promptly annoy him; Kevin Murphy on the Hexfield as a cat with a whip, complete with usual cat mannerisms; The SOL crosses the equator, so Mike hazes himself before the Bots can. Finale : The crew busts a Dr. F pinata.
Signature Riffs :
(as the senator wannabee finds Ann-Magret in his bed)
<Mike> “This, to me, is the very definition of ‘getting lucky.’”
<Teen> “I majored in Poli-Sci. Political Science.”
<Crow, as Senator> “So, you’re unemployed…”
<Crow> “Tonight, on Medical Senator!”
(re : a slowing of the music)
<Mike> “Okay, we’re gonna slow it down here. In fact, we’re gonna grind it to a complete halt.”
**MST3K 6.16 - Racket Girls **
Shown with Short, Are You Ready for Marriage?.
The short is about the two most incredulous teens in the world, and their desire to marry. Watch them be mystified by a rubber band! The movie has nothing to do with tennis - it’s about gambling and the seedy underbelly of the noble sport that is ladies’ wrestling.
Intro : Security is lax - Lisa Loeb bugs the SOL, and a random family infiltrates Deep 13. Host Segments : Crow wants to marry Servo, Mike administers a Cosmo quiz; at the Bachelor Party, Crow’s stripper is Jan in the Pan; the Wedding - breaks down into fisticuffs. Finale : All dressed as wrestlers on the SOL, Lisa Loeb invades Deep 13.
Signature Riffs :
(re : Short’s title)
<Mike> “Yeah, I’m sick of sex, anyway.”
(re : female wrestling match)
<Crow> “Mike, is this the Thrilla from Manila?”
<Mike> “No, it’s the snooze from Santa Cruz.”
<Tom> “Is this in danger of being confiscated as we watch it?”
(the bad guy dismisses new squeeze, ‘Peaches’…)
<Crow, as bad guy> “Sorry, Peaches is gettin kinda clingy.”
<Tom> “It’s like a stag film, produced by the League of Women Voters.”
<Crow> “Is this the induction film when you go to hell?”
Next : One of my favorites, and one of the ones that hooked me on the show, The Sword and the Dragon.
MST3K 6.12 - The Starfighters
For such a boring film, this episode is pretty good.
Tom: “Welcome to minute six of the refueling sequence.”
Mike: “Yes, Corn De-tasseling”
MST3K 6.13 - The Sinister Urge
I love the transparent ploy Ed used to get himself into drag in front of the camera. Yay Kline! They were really in top form riffing this one:
Mike as Johnnie: “Try a more wooden delivery.” And “I couldn’t help notice that you have no future in cinema.”
Crow as Creepy little elf-director: “Please stand as still as possible. This is a *motion * picture after all.”
[/QUOTE]
MST3K 6.17 - The Sword and the Dragon
Sorry it’s been so long, and sorry it’s just one this time - been a bit busy. The Sword and the Dragon is one of my favorite MSTs of all time. It was one of the first I saw. It’s a Russian fantasy epic about folk hero Ilya Muromets - the use of his legs is restored by a magic potion, and he puts his herculean strength to use fighting off the Tugar horde. He wields the magic sword of Invincor - and the titular Dragon only shows up in the last few minutes.
Intro : Crow and Mike agree to play D&D with Tom, who takes it way too seriously; Dr. F and Frank are terrified when their new female neighbors from Deep 12 stop by. Dr. F has Mike and the bots perform a sketch to entertain the girls - giving is the Capitol-Steps-esque ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialawacky!’ Host Segments : ‘A Joke By Ingmar Bergman’; Gypsy sings, and Mike and the Bots are the frolicking animals drawn to her; Ilya Muromets on the Hexfield. Finale : Gypsy reviews the political musical sketch, skewering Tom’s ego.
Signature Riffs:
(as Ilya opens his door)
<Mike> “And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of soul!”
(after a barrage of nonsensical proverbs)
<Crow> “The banjo becomes angry at midnight. What the hell are you talking about?”
(as the 3 headed dragon approaches the ballista crew)
<Mike, as Ballista crewman> “This baby can handle anything but a three-headed dra… Aw, sonuva!”
Next:
6.18 : High School Big Shot
Band name!
This episode sounds like our kind of movie, even more than the usual MST fare. Gee, I’ve never met anyone who takes their D&D too seriously. 
MST3K 6.18 - High School Big Shot
Shown with Short, Out of This World.
High school schlub Marv is used by a popular girl in an attempt to pass English - Marv falls head over heels, and is inspired to steal money from his boss’s heroin smuggling side-operation to win the girl and to support his ailing, alcoholic dad. Everyone dies in the end. The short is a delightfully strange romp - an angel and a devil have a debate over the soul - er, sales record - of a bread delivery man, and wind up testing him, on a bet.
Intro : Mike has a headache, so the Bots torment him with noise. Frank hatches a tiny dinosaur, and Mike accidentally enlarges Servo. Host Segments : Mike and the Bots talk Specialty Breads; Crow and Tom are hoodlums, and hurl eggs at Mike - cooked into omelet form; Tom and Crow try to break into Gypsy’s diary with TNT, and are unable. Finale : Everybody dies by water-pistol.
Signature Riffs:
<Mike> (re : the title) “The Potsy Story!”
<Tom> (landlady sees a silhouette of Marv’s dad, who has hung himself) “Oh my God, he’s a puppeteer!”
MST3K 6.19 - Red Zone Cuba
Available on DVD. Shown with Short, Speech : Platform Posture and Appearance.
A rare weak short - as Crow puts it, Posture Pals was the definitive word on Posture. Red Zone Cuba is why the name “Coleman Francis” is a dirty word in the MST3K lexicon. He wrote, directed, starred, and narrated this one. Three shady men get tricked into signing up for a special military squad that raids Cuba - they get captured, and escape, and then at the end, there’s a mine. I can’t quite do justice to the narrative incoherence, but that sentence is reasonably close.
Intro : Tom generates Lotto numbers; Frank’s into the mob for a lot of dough, but tricks them into beating up Dr. F instead. Host Segments : Dr. F languishes in agony; Mike thinks he’s Carol Channing; Mike’s identity crisis continues. Finale : Spirits crushed, Mike and the Bots try to cheer up with a jaunty song.
Signature Riffs:
<Mike> (re : short) “Did ancient Toastmasters make this film?”
<Mike> “Coleman Francis IS Curly Howard IN The Fugitive.”
<Crow> “This film DARES you to watch it.”
<Tom> “The Cubans in this movie sound like they’re grownups from Peanuts.”
<Crow> “I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it the way it hurt me.”
Next : Danger! Death Ray.
**Red Zone Cuba ** is one of the technically worst movies they’ve shown. It’s right up there with Manos and Monster A Go-Go.
But it has one of the best Carradine-sung theme songs in all history.
Red Zone Cuba is really horrifically awful. I’ve only seen it once, nearly a decade ago now, and have never managed to watch it again. Don’t they get in cars and drive from Cuba to the U.S. mainland at some point?
The method of their passage form Cuba to the U.S. remains… ambiguous, yes.
“To be blessed with an instrument like that!”
I thought hollywood pretty-boy “Cherokee Jack” flew them out. No wait, they stole a plane and were chased down the runway by a jeep with whitewalls.
I do recall them stealing a plane… honestly, though, there’s just no sense of time or place to any of this. They just meander from scene to scene.
MST3K 6.20 - Danger! Death Ray
Oh, sweet merciful God. Maybe it was just because I was majorly sick when I watched it, but this was one of the most giggle-inducing episodes I’ve come across. The riffs are tight, fast, and spot-on. If you can find it, WATCH THIS EPISODE. It’s a dubbed Italian movie, in the classic spy genre - though, oddly, a very low quotient of post-death puns. Mike and the Bots actually fill some in. It’s sort of the anti-Secret Agent, Super Dragon. This is now one of my favorite episodes.
Intro : Crow has contacts, but they irritate him; Frank runs an agency and rejects Crow’s spec scripts. Guest shot by Torgo. Host Segments : Tom builds a death ray, like the one in the movie, for peaceful purposes; ‘This is Your Life’ for Mike is anticlimactic; Crow’s Italian sunglasses ‘For Men’. Finale : Cambot weeps for cameras destroyed in the movie.
Signature Riffs:
<Tom> (re : title) “I’m glad they said Danger, I might’ve thought it was an ordinary death ray.”
<Crow> “What country is this taking place in?”
<Mike> “Europe.”
<Crow> “Special effects by Billy!”
<Crow> “Lincoln!”
<Mike> “Abe Lincoln is… TimeCop.”
<Mike> “David Cassidy IS Abe Lincoln IN… Behind Confederate Lines.”
And the barrage of riffs relating to the title, scattered through the movie:
<Tom> “Danger! Twist-Tie.”
<Crow> “Danger! Small talk.”
<Tom> “Danger! Beergut.”
<Crow> “Danger! Birth Control Pills.”
<Mike> “Danger! Drywall.”
Next : The Beast of Yucca Flats
I must add this one to my collection…
But, HOW?
There are ways…e-mail me off-list and I’ll hook you up.
Thanks.
Can you hook me up, too - I’ll be happy to e-mail.
Sure.
Let me lift the veil of obscurity a bit – I’m not running a DVD distribution. But I can make recommendations.
Season 1 is on it’s way to the Hypno-Abode even as we speak.
I was watching the series finale “Diabolik” (Sci-Fi era, last show) and a couple riffs really struck me as funny for some reason…
near the end of the movie, one of the cops is sitting at his desk, he has a few pencils in his right hand and another one in his left, at about mouth height
<Servo> MMM…boy (makes slightly muffled lip-smacking noises) pencils are goood!
the final closing scenes of Mike, Servo and Tom sitting on Mike’s couch watching “The Crawling Eye” (the FIRST film viewed by the MST3K crew with Joel and the Bots) was a nice bit of continuity and a very nice end to a brilliant series
<Servo> “The Crawling Eye, the Marty Feldman Story!”
<Crow> “This movie seems kinda’ familiar…”