The Ultimate MST3K Thread

Cafe Society
961

**MST3K 10.01 - Soultaker **

Episode Thoughts: Wow, is this ever a bad movie. It’s a pretty decent episode, though, and what makes it truly magical is the presence of Joel Hodgson and Frank Conniff in the Host Segments. It’s Old Home Week on the SOL! Wish they could’ve done a little more with them, but…

Movie : It’s Frighteners! Well… no, not at all. Well, it could be, I still haven’t seen Frighteners. But no, this piece of drek was written by its star, which puts it in that special circle of Cinematic Hell. Basically, there’s a lower class boy and an upper class girl, and their romance is set against the backdrop of their souls being ejected from their bodies and being pursued by grim reaper, Joe Estevez. (If that doesn’t scare you straight, nothing will.) The lyrics of Uptown Girl never hinted at such horror as this!

Memorable Bits : Riffs on the writer-star. New Intro credits sequence. Malfunctions on the SOL. Robert Z’Dar. Incestuous lesbian overtones. TV’s Frank, and Joel.

Intro: Crow and Tom hold a wet T-shirt contest. Crow’s absorbs more water, but Tom’s soaks up faster. They really don’t get it. The ship malfunctions, and commercial sign doesn’t come when expected.

Host Segments: Malfunctions continue and there’s a ship hovering outside - Mike fails utterly in command; Feeble attempts at maintenance fail, and a Soultaker shows up in Castle Forrester for Bobo’s soul - and it’s Frank!; Joel arrives, revealing Dr. F sabotaged the SOL to break down after ten years - he’s here to help.

Finale: Joel and Frank exchange a few words, and Frank and Bobo play ring toss with Bobo’s soul.

Signature Riffs:

<Crow> Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash!

<Mike> This is your brain on death, any questions?

<Tom> You think he’s hourly, or gets paid on a per-soul basis?

<Crow> Souptaper? What?

<Tom> So there will be a story, that’s encouraging.

<Crow> Oh god, he’s a catcher’s mitt with eyes!

<Crow> He’s flashing back to other people’s memories…

<Tom> Leaktaker.

<Tom> (as Reaper, looking puzzled) Am I a Sheen, or an Estevez?

<Mike> (as Boy) Hey, look, you wrote this crap…

(a sting of music)
<Tom> Ennio Morricone!

<Boy’s Friend, now a Soultaker> Led Zeppelin was wrong, man. There’s no stairway to heaven. And even if there was, you couldn’t buy your way in.
<Mike> (as Boy) Was Sabbath wrong too, man?

<Tom> (to Mike, regarding Joel) Hey, hey, don’t compare yourself, Mike… it ain’t healthy.

<Tom> Bustaker.

<Crow> Don’t tongue the reaper!

<Tom> (as Boy, regarding his car) I call it Gastaker.

Next : 10.02 - The Girl in Gold Boots

962

Thought you might like to read an interview with Joel.

963

The Tonya Harding jokes were pretty good. And yeah, the “mom” checking out her own daughter was actually creepy. But probably not in the way the director or writer intended.

Mike, on the boys friend: “He is heading for the mother of all comb-overs.”

Crow: “Well, if he’d put the club on his soul, this wouldn’t have happened.”

964

I was disappointed that Joel declined to answer the question about RiffTrax. Mike spoke positively of Joel’s project, and I’m sort of perturbed that Joel wouldn’t return the favor.

965

I’m a little irritated by that as well. Maybe he read it a different way than I am, but don’t see anything in that question that would merit a “Question Unsurprisingly Left Unanswered” reply. In the way Joel phrases things sometimes, I get this sense of an attitude of “I AM the REAL MST3K, everyone else is secondary”. I don’t know, but he kinda seems like he’s acting a little standoffish about the whole RiffTrax and CT thing. Mike has congratulated them on their new project, and said nice things about them in a few different interviews.

Maybe Joel thought it was an attempt to start up Joel vs. Mike part 2? I’m really trying to give the guy as much slack as possible, but like I said, that attitude that I see irritates me.

966

That “Frank eats a gordita” moment from **Soultaker ** is one of my all-time favorite host segment bits ever.

967

I’m on the Cinematic Titanic email list, and this appeared in the last one:

968

**MST3K 10.02 - Girl in Gold Boots **

Episode Thoughts: Alternate title - “A Star is Porn”. Kidding. Available on Volume 4, it’s a fairly solid effort, but a hard movie to watch in places, even with riffing. I really enjoy the host segments on this one, though. Solid effort.

Movie : Michelle wants to be a dancer. ‘Critter’ wants to dodge the draft and play the guitar. Buzz wants to be a thug, when he grows up. And they’re all on the way to California, to make their dreams come true! Except it kinda spirals out of control into misery and despair, but Michelle and Critter do manage to salvage a ‘happy’ ending.

Memorable Bits : Yak-Boy! Mad Science Accreditation. Crow’s strip-tease. Several go-go dance numbers. “I had a pretty mind, once!” Really blatant continuity errors, like when Buzz teleports. ‘Eat.’

Intro: Crow shows off his ‘What Would Buffy St. Marie Do?’ bracelet. Pearl’s trying to get accredited as a mad scientist.

Host Segments: Crow tries to exact revenge on Mike by pouring beer on his favorite objects - which Mike names as his collectible beer stein, and Crow himself; Crow does a strip-tease in gold boots and freaks Mike right the hell out; Mike sings like Critter, and causes rain in the SOL and rampant split-screening.

Finale: Mike and the bots dress like the ugly Armenian thug from the movie; Pearl finally wins her accreditation thanks to Brain Guy’s truly evil dance number.

Signature Riffs:

<Tom> They’re gonna sock it to us.

<Tom> Shouldn’t we be in individual booths for this movie?

<Mike> Ed Grimley choreographed this dance.

<Crow> H.R. Pufnstuf’s Go-Go Girl revue…

<Crow> Hell’s Pusses.

<Mike> (as Buzz) Please accept my tongue as an apology.

<Crow> (as Buzz) C’mon, I just teleported here, it’s impressive!

<Mike> Apparently, the story is none of our business.

<Crow> (as Michelle) I’m having Critter’s Varmint!

<Tom> (as Critter) I’m a crummy Critter.

<Mike> This show made possible by a grant from the Onan Foundation.

<Tom> Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!

Next : 10.03 - Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

969

The first time I saw Girl in Gold Boots, I hated it. I find, though, that I like it more with each viewing. The dancing is downright hilarious, and for some reason I find the whole Mike singing a Critter style song segment to be hilarious.

970

I work with a guy who looks exactly like Buzz. Same personality, too. He’s 20 feet from me as I type this.

Mike: “Boy, think of the lucky teenager who stumbled into this haunted house.”

I liked the riffs on Buzz’s age: “But he’s just a child!”

And the little “Splash” sounds they’d make when the thugs got punched.

What was the point of the dune buggy ride? And weren’t those the same buggies they used on Space: 1999?

Some of the background dancers were hot. Why couldn’t they have been given more prominent roles?

971

MST3K 10.03 - Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

Episode Thoughts: One of my favorites in Season 10. Available on Volume 5.

Movie : Two episodes of a failed hourlong ‘horror’ anthology loosely spackled together, with wraparound framing sequence by Ernest Borgnine. At least, that’s my guess. Merlin owns a mystical knick-knack shop, jeopardizing the lives of all who visit.

Memorable Bits : Oh, geez, where to start? I know. Rock ‘n’ Roll Martian! Cymbal Monkey fun. Borgnine terrorizing his grandson with tales of horror. The Tenille lady! The really angry Psychic. The guy who reviews niche stores.

Intro: College pranks of the 1920s; Servo is temporarily given command of the SOL by Pearl as part of an experiment.

Host Segments: Tom and Crow review each other, to hilarious effect; Tom dabbles in magic, accidentally transforming Mike into a Baby; A series of Ernest Borgnine Children’s books.

Finale: Bobo as the Cymbal monkey.

Signature Riffs:

<Crow> (regarding Borgnine’s credit) “The mystical wonder is that he’s IN a movie.”

<Mike> “Larry ‘Bud’ Melman in drag…”

<Crow> “Heh. The ants have been screwing with her like this for years.”

<Tom> “She’s tapped into the mystical world of Parker Brothers.”

<Mike> “Tonight, on ‘Old Lady Gets Killed’…”

<Tom> (as an Owl) “Well, the kid’s sort of like a mouse, I could give it a shot…”

<Review Guy> “Allow me to introduce myself…”
<Tom> (as Review Guy) “… I’m Bob Jackass.”

<Tom> (as Review Guy) “My reviews have destroyed whole cities!”

<Crow> (as Review Guy) “It’s time for a strongly worded review of my cat, Miffy.”

<Mike> “So she threatened him with sex?”

<Crow> “I love the selection here at Crap’n’Stuff.”

<Mike> “Here’s something else Satan created… Japanimation!”

<Crow> (as Merlin) “Remember to believe in magic… or I’ll kill you.”

MST3K 10.04 - Future War

Episode Thoughts: One of the middle of the road entries for season ten - it does have its moments, but the special effects are atrocious for something produced as recently as 1997. Don’t blink, or you’ll miss the cameo by Horror aficionado, Forrest J. Ackerman!

Movie : Hm. Ordinarily, this is the part where I snidely sum up the movie by comparing it to one or two GOOD movies. Unfortunately… I can’t do that here. Daniel Bernhardt is a human slave of alien cyborgs who travel through time to acquire labor force, and who use dinosaurs to track their prey. Dinosaurs with exploding collars. He meets an ex-prostitute nun, and together with her gang allies, they manage to defeat a nest of dinosaur trackers and the cyborg leader.

So, it’s kinda like West Side Story.

Memorable Bits : Jean-Claude Gosh Darn. Attack of the forced-perspective puppets! Awkward swear-blanking. Bible quoting. Lots and lots of Cardboard boxes. Spontaneous Shirt loss. And who could forget : Robert Z’Dar.

Intro: How many times a Lady is Gypsy? Pearl does LSD experiments on Crow and Tom.

Host Segments: Tom attaches legs to himself, for kickboxing - but Gypsy takes him down; Mike and the Bots realize they haven’t thanked Pearl for not killing them, and so they do - forcing her to abort her then-current attempt to kill them; Crow is Droppy the Water Droplet.

Finale: Brain Guy and Bobo have ambitions to tour as a band.

Signature Riffs:

<Guy> “This place looks like a maze!”
<Crow> “We call it ‘a corn!’”

<Tom> “It’s Jean-Claude Van Damme!”
<Mike> “It’s more like Jean-Claude Gosh Darn.”

<Mike> “Dustbuster Galactica.”

<Tom> (seeing Z’Dar’s credit.) “Oh, Z’no.”

<Tom> “Hey, he’s coming into the theater, Mike!”

<Crow> “He’s a cute-osaurus.”

<Mike> “Van Damme it.”

<Mike> “Brain Guy looked like this in high school.”

<Crow> “An actor prepares… to suck.”
<Tom> “He studied under Lee Strasberg… 's car.”

<Tom> (as Nun) “Sigh. I was a great hooker.”

<Tom> “He’s beating up his memories…”

<Crow> (Spotting a movie theater in the movie) “Hey, Casablanca! Would you dopple me into that, Mike?”

Next - 10.05 - Blood Waters of Dr. Z

972

I liked Merlin…

Father: “I just sold Sparkle really, really quickly to a farm!”

Zarella: “Now wish with all your heart.” Mike:“I did but I’m still here.”

Crow: “I think this guys problem is that he’s walking around dressed like that asking people, ‘Have you seen my little monkey?’”

Future War
I loved the newsletter picture they used of the bloody, screaming hero at the end of the flick.

The big-guy jokes were occassionaly funny: “The scary part is that they’re ALL ex-hookers.”

The police station “set” was so pathetic.

973

Surely not? That is, unless said anthology failed due to its production schedule of one episode per decade! The “Evil Monkey” segment was clearly filmed circa 1982 or thereabouts-- even without the alarming hairstyle and fashion evidence, the Empire Strikes Back birthday gifts and poster for E.T. on the kid’s bedroom wall date the film like fossilized pollen-- whereas the segment with Merlin, Zurella and Bob Jackass was apparently produced sometime in the mid-'90s. The woman who threatens Merlin with mace, for example, sports a business casual ensemble that is extremely 1993.

Ah, Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders and Future Wax… truly, these sorts of movies had no reasonable justification to exist before MST3K. While I can appreciate the desire of the low-budget filmmaker to attempt fantasy and SF, surely it’s wiser to choose projects in which it’s possible to work around financial limitations creatively, rather than brazenly attempting to produce films with epic space conflicts, dragons and sorcery on a total budget of 8 bucks and stolen footage from other movies.

I often wonder if Ernest Borgnine was ever alerted to that one episode; and if so, if he found it funny. They really play up the “evil grandpa” aspect of his performance: “Then the devil-cat roasted, with bits of flesh and sinew-- (Grandpa Borgnine, no!!!) Shut up, you’re gonna listen-- his flesh melted, and there was this horrible scream…”

The enormous groan Servo provides as Borgnine heaves himself off the couch never fails to amuse. The added Godzilla roar as Merlin’s wife Zurella looms menacingly into view is also hilarious.

“Dr. Jerkyll and Mister Crap!”

“No, Grandpa Borgnine! Leave light and hope for me!”

“Get out from behind that cushion, Billy; it gets worse!”

I must also admit to being unreasonably entertained by the jokes at the expense of the nun’s two big roommates in Future Wax, and share Servo’s bafflement as to the precise nature of the relationship-- “What is this, a halfway house for huge guys?”

“What happened? We were batter-dipping!”

“The *Utne Reader * staff.”

“I open my mouth at you!”

“…You still think I took my shirt off, don’t you?”

"Ladies and gentlemen… Fred Burroughs!"

CandidGamera: nearing the end of the line now, and well done. Congratulations in advance on the completion of your endeavor. Do you have any sense whether the mods plan to lock the thread after you’ve finished? I think it’d be neat if other fans could use the space to comment on individual episodes as they view them, without feeling the need to open a whole new thread for the purpose.

Besides, if this thread gets locked, then it won’t truly be “The Ultimate MST3K Thread…”

974

I have no idea. Considering the renaissance of MST that’s ongoing - Film Crew, Rifftrax, Cinematic Titanic, the MST movie being on DVD again … I can see it as a topic worthy of revisitation. I doubt they’ll lock it.

975

Well, it could be the “Ultimate MST/RiffTrax/Cinematic Titantic Thread.”

976

I was going to say the same thing. At the very least, you have to review the animated flash shorts, horrid as they are.

977

I watched the first one. It was… empty.

978

Okay, I gots me a trivia question for folks with a genuinely expansive knowledge of the series. At some point in (I think) Season 4-- maybe earlier, I dunno-- , Crow started murmuring a little muscical theme during long pauses to indicate boredom:

“Hum de dee dee dee… hoo-ah hoo-ah!”

To cite two instances, the theme crops up during (quick glance at Amazing Colossal Guide) host segment 1 of Episode 421, Monster a Go-Go (Gypsy: “Crow? I don’t get you.”)-- and also during host segment 2 of Episode 621, The Beast of Yucca Flats (Crow: “Is it 11:30 yet, Mike?”). I assume that the theme in question was originally lifted from a particularly boring experiment, but do not recall which one.

Can anyone help me out with this? I’ll be eagerly anticipating any answer.

Hum de dee dee dee… hoo-ah hoo-ah! Hum de dee dee dee…

979

I just watched the extra on the new MST3K Vol. 10.2 box set. (This is the replacement for the OOP Vol. 10, which contained “Godzilla vs Megalon”, which they didn’t have the rights to.) It features Joel, Dr. Forrester, TV’s Frank and, thanks to blue-screen, a hovering Tom Servo! I won’t spoil the bit for you but it’s worth getting the single “Giant Gila Monster” disc, or if you are a completist, like me, the whole 10.2 box.

980

This is funny and I thought I’d share. Here’s a list of RPMs, that’s Riffs Per Minute,of each episode.
(A bad copy and paste sample):

Riff Running Episode / Short
Count Time RPMs Title

406 75:20 5.389 101 Crawling Eye
540 85:47 6.295 102 Robot vs the Aztec Mummy / Short: Commando Cody 1
503 82:16 6.114 103 Mad Monster / Short: Commando Cody 2
523 81:14 6.438 104 Women o/t Prehistoric Planet
488 76:18 6.396 105 Corpse Vanishes / Short: Commando Cody 3
521 83:52 6.212 106 Crawling Hand
547 82:37 6.621 107 Robot Monster / Short: Commando Cody 4
431 73:23 5.873 108 Slime People / Short: Commando Cody 5
521 84:47 6.145 109 Project Moonbase / Short: Commando Cody 6
593 81:49 7.248 110 Robot Holocaust / Short: Commando Cody 7
535 81:38 6.554 111 Moon Zero Two
563 79:39 7.068 112 Untamed Youth
529 83:30 6.335 113 Black Scorpion