'nasa 'nother thing, I always forget to preview to see if somebody beat me to it.
Trans-substantiation is when somebody makes two unsubstantiated claims, and you ask for a cite for one, and they give a cite for the other. It’s totally annoying, but, if your native language is some bizarre combination of French and Italian, you can say “'assa NASA right one!”
Next up: The Sin of Onan
Onan was this guy back in the Bible who was a really bad farmer. He spilled his seed on the ground instead of planting it, so most of the seed dried up and blew away and the ones that sprouted didn’t do so well because their roots couldn’t get enough nourishment from the soil. This is a good lesson from the Bible, as it tells us that instead of just spilling seed on the ground, you should dig some holes with a nice sharp thingie and tuck the seeds into them so they grow better.
Next topic: Organ donation
Organ donation is the pc term for when one dude gets another dude’s girlfriend pregnant. Instead of saying he shagged her or nailed her, they say he donated his organ to her. It kind of makes sense. I’m a registered organ donor. There’s a picture of a heart on my driver’s license because when I donate my organ to someone, my heart feels good. My organ feels pretty good too.
Next Topic: Origami
Origami is the art of folding paper. Not just folding paper willy-nilly, nay, but that art of folding paper so that the end result actually resembles something else, like a newly-hatched bird or a miniature AK-47. As a young child I made airplanes and tiny footballs out of paper, but mainstream origami is not meant for such rigorous post-folding use, and instead concentrates on the appearance of the object created.
I have also read a short story in which a girl dying of leukemia folds a thousand paper cranes, apparently after which she welcomes death because her hands have been slit millions of time in the process.
Hazards of overorigamical passions include paper cuts, nearsightedness, and the realization that you just gave away to impress a strange woman the last dollar bill you needed for laundry in the shape of a tiny bow tie with Washington’s face peering from the center.
Next topic: Maple syrup production
[With apologies to James Joyce]
…almost a month of Sundays but he perservered with the perseverence known only to those who are slaves to their own inner demons because Wommelsdorph Derfendorfer was determined, nay driven like a socially marginalized outcast posessed to claim his rightful seat at the table of Multiple Origamiists even though the Tournament was still going on and he’d not even been seeded there he sat in the Non-Seeded Seating Section folding away relentlessly only he knew the terrible truth about Ruth in the booth with her bottle of vermouth but he was far too couth to spill the truth about Ruth because even though she’d first introduced him to the sublime pleasure and toe-curling elation that is Origami she’d left him for a professional paperhanger from Duluth therefore confirming his life-long suspicions that in fact Ruth ( now from Duluth ) in the booth with her bottle of vermouth only made life-choices that fed into her pathological need to both rhyme and be iambically pentametered in her thought patterns but no, no, no he was a finer man than that to stoop to her level was below him so much finer a man was he that he’d left Ruth (now from Duluth) in the booth with her bottle of vermouth once he learned the tragically shocking truth- Ruth’s lack of couth was confirmed one day while Wommelsdorph was sitting in his rented room practicing his one-handed armadillo fold maneuver when he saw her appear on Jerry Springer spilling her guts about their long and exceedingly tawdry relationship my god he was so shaken he took a paper cut and was never the same man- torn, ripped and balled up and thrown away the Multiple Origamiists Tournament Of Champeens was the one time a year that Wommelsdorph came out of his shell and unfurled his tender humane wings and became, truly Became and he was darned if Ruth ( now from Duluth ) in the booth with her bottle of vermouth was going to ruin this year’s competition even though he’d not seeded and was sitting in the Non-Seeded Seating Section with the other marginal folders.
[/With apologies to James Joyce]
** Next Topic: Orbital Decay**
In Lord of the Rings, an Orb was an extremely ugly bad guy. To achieve orbital decay, Gandalf is creating a potion of sugar and other sweet stuff, which the Orbs are incabable of tolerating due to their extreme rotteness. Once these unintelligent creatures digest this material, they will begin to decay from the inside out. Holes will be burned through all their major organs. The only way to stop orbital decay is for the Orb to drink 20 pounds of swamp water (complete with mud and other disgusting stuff) a day.
sorry, I forgot to give the next one…
Mitosis
An industrial revolution occurs every 3.2 Earth days. This is mainly due to the presence of large industries located in non-equatorial regions and the slowing force due to gravitational attraction of large satellite industries. It’s calculated that the growth of industry will one day slow the industrial revolution to a stop. When this happens, the Amish will rise up and assume power, so to speak.
Next up: Diplomatic Immunity
When you travel to foreign lands, it’s very important to have your shots. This is because other countries are very dirty, and there are all sorts of diseases in the air and the food. If you have your shots, you’re immune to these diseases. If you don’t have the right vaccinations, you could go someplace like France and die of dysentery, or ebola, or malaria. Diplomats travel to other countries for their job, so it’s important that they get the right shots, and when they do they have diplomatic immunity.
The next topic will be Sherman’s March.
Sherman is the kid in the Peanut’s comic strip that plays the piano. He plays the piano so good that one day he wrote a song about marching. You know marching, like hut two three for hut two three for. Anyway this song was a great hit and it was played on the radio all the time. They played it so much that people soon got tired of hearing this song. Still today people remember that song and if you ask them about Sheman’s March some of them say bad words about this marching song.
Next topic School lunches
“School Lunches” was a really kickass B Movie I saw staying up late to watch MSTK 2000. It was about a school made up of aliens who ate all the students who scored the lowest on the exams, until finally…well, I didn’t watch the ending because then I ran out of mayonaise and had to run to the Food Mart. But it freaked me out and inspired me to drop out of my school so I could spend less time worrying about being eaten and more time on my rock band.
Oops. Next category: Hairspray
Hairspray was a bizarre movie that starred a fat transvestite named Divine, an overweight talk show host named Rosie O’Donnell, and the lead singer from Debbie Harry and the Hendersons. It was the sequel to a hippie, flower-sniffin’ anti-war movie called Hair. I don’t exactly recall how this movie tied in with the first one but I remember it was about black/white racial issues and Hair was about Vietnam or WW2, so they’re about stuff from the same time period. It’s best to avoid movies such as these as they make you think too much. Stick with quality programming from MTV and you’ll be alright. The End.
Next topic will be Republicans & Democrats: Love 'em or Shoot 'em?
[white glove in hand] You, Sir, are a Cur![/white glove in hand] 
Republicans and Democrats can be both loved AND shot. When working with a small group or an individual, use a normal lens. Shoot outdoors in bright light in order to stop down the lens for maximum depth of field. When working with a large group or large individual use a wide angle lens.
The loving should be conducted indoors in dim light with appropriate mood music on the stereo. Republicans and Democrats may not agree on much but people in both parties can appreciate the seductive qualities of Saxophone music, though Democrats do prefer freeform jazz, while Republicans are more partial to swing.
Next topic: Earwigs
The Industrial Revolution
The turn over rate during the 1500’s was really bad. Nobody liked their jobs as shepards and black plague pustule poppers and serfs and stuff, so people kept quitting. Yeup, industry was bad in the 15th century, what with the labor force all changing jobs every 3 or 4 months. This came to be known as the Industrial Revolution.
All this came to an end during the Reformation when employees reformed their job switching ways.
Next-- Ummm-- one of the ones that haven’t been done yet.
Holy toledo! I didn’t see page 2. Forget I ever said anything.
No, sir, you misunderstand me - I meant "well done everybody, but particular kudos to swampbear. I LOLed particularly loud at yours.
Earwigs, a commonplace costume piece in the movie and television business have come to you, the home consumer! That’s right, now you too can have Hobbit Ears, Elf Ears, Vulcan Ears and even for those of you who adore those furry little creatures we have the deluxe ear wig which will hide your true ear and present animal ears on the top of your head. Complete with swivel pack to wear on your belt allowing ears natural rotation towards sound.
Next up: Skidmarks