Curt Skidmarks was a well-known writer and screenwriter of the golden age of science fiction. Author of such classics as Donovan’s Brainstem and City-Dwellers in the Sky, he also wrote the screenplays for a series of Invisible Person movies.
Next: the Tokogawa Shogunate
The Tokogawa Shogunate
by Kn*ckers
Barry Tokogawa was a famous Guinness Book record holder, in the area of gluttony. Born in 1941, Tokogawa began his gustatory career early, able to eat small items such as buttons and coins by the time he was two. His parents, Roger and Mary-Lou Tokogawa encouraged this gift, and by the time he was ten, Barry Tokogawa was able to eat an entire tricycle, in a space of three hours. At sixteen, he dropped out of high school to pursue a career in the field of freak eating. That is, freakish dining, not the actual eating of freaks. Because that’s cannibalism, and it’s illegal. Or, if it isn’t, it should be.
One of Mr. Tokogawa’s most popular feats (or feasts!) was ingestion of firearms. In 1961, at the age of twenty, he began touring the country eating handguns, rifles and even small artillery in what became known as The Tokogawa Sho-Gun-Ate. If only Mr. Tokogawwa had finished high scvhool, he’d have learned to spell “Show” correctly. And that is why education is important.
Next: The Loop of Henle
The Loop of Henle
Henle shirts are kind of like tee-shirts, but they have longer sleeves and some buttons at the placket in the front. Oxford shirts have even longer sleeves, and button all the way up the front. On Oxford shirts, there is a little loop on the back. This loop is called a Froot Loop. If Henle shirts had a loop on the back, they would be called Henle Loops. But they don’t. So this is all irrelevant anyway.
NEXT TOPIC: Pride & Prejudice
Pride and Prejudice
Pride and prejudice is very important when studying Africa and the spaghenetti plains or watching the Discovery Channel (shark week is cool) or Muriel Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. When a bunch of lions get together they call the group a “pride” but they don’t like zebras very much and won’t let them in the group. The lions are so prejudiced to the zebras that they send the lady lions to beat them up. It would be a better world if all god’s creatures could get along and the pride didn’t show so much prejudice.
Next: Global warming
Global warming is accomplished by the sun. Not many people know this, but the sun doesn’t really rise and set; it really goes all the way around the Earth! We just don’t see it when it’s on the other side. So the sun warms the whole globe, which is good because otherwise it would be really cold. And dark.
Of course, there would probably be less flies.
Next topic: Freedom of Speech
Most people today take for granted that speech is free. Fact is, in ancient times people who didn’t pay for the privilege to talk had their tongues cut out. Solved that problem, didn’t it. You were usually given warnings first by the local law enforcement, such as Roman soldiers, Knights Templar, or the Gestapo. If you continued to shoot off your mouth they would shut your yap in pretty short order. If you continued to make noises or try to write without prior permission after having your tongue cut out, the next step up the punishment ladder was the gee-o-teen. That was a nasty piece of equipment invented by a French guy (who had the misfortune to be named after a big head slicer) to shut his wife up for good. It worked. The End.
Next topic: Agriculture
Agriculture is a really great culture. Everyone there agrees with everyone else. They live in Australia, a land of many exports. One of their exports is kangaroos. I like kangaroos. In summary, we should respect other people and other cultures and not be mean to them. Also, we should protect kangaroos and other enda-endagn- other animals.
THE END
Next topic: Bar flies
At my insect circus we have many different types of performers. There are juggles, animal trainers and tamers, acrobats, tight rope walkers, you name it. One particular favorite are the bar flies. That’s right. These flies perform on the uneven bar. They attract thousands of people from all around. They all want to watch Moe and Little Moe Ugly. It’s only 50 dollars for a bleacher seat, and 128.50 for a box seat. Making the wild assumption that box seats are three times better in a insect circus, you save money by buying box seats! And you get to see my bar flies.
Next Topic: Calvin and Hobbes
ROTFL! I’m not even gonna try…
I’ll give it a shot…
Calvin and Hobbes
The 30th president of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, was once granted a time traveling telephone booth. He had an excellent adventure. His first stop was the 17th century, to visit Thomas Hobbes, an English philosopher. They became the best of friends, and together traveled in the booth to collect three other important historical figures: Abraham Lincoln, Attila The Hun, and Gary Coleman.
After returning to 1924, Coolidge resigned as president to start a business with his friends, the Gary Abe Calvin Hun Hobbes Shrimp Company. All was well until the stock market crash of 1929. Gary, Abe, and Attila all committed suicide by jumping out of tall office buildings. Then, the company ran out of shrimp, and then it was no longer a company. It was just Calvin and Hobbes.
THE END
Next topic: Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ was a factory caretaker ( who thought he was a carpenter, but when he met another man who said he was Jesus, he knew he must be wrong) living in severe pain with smokers cough, brewer’s droop and Bette Davis knees. One day he met a famous singer who eased his dire straits by taking him to a doctor.
Next topic: crop circles.
When you crop circles you can make semi-circles, or pill shapes with flat bottoms and tops, or round cornered squares or rectangles. If you crop them too much the curves are lost and all that are left are angular shapes. Circles should be cropped with care, since the world supply of circles is dwindling every day, while the supplies of ovals and ellipses remain steady.
Next topic: Deja Vu
When you crop circles you can make semi-circles, or pill shapes with flat bottoms and tops, or round cornered squares or rectangles. If you crop them too much the curves are lost and all that are left are angular shapes. Circles should be cropped with care, since the world supply of circles is dwindling every day, while the supplies of ovals and ellipses remain steady.
Next topic: Deja Vu
When you crop circles you can make semi-circles, or pill shapes with flat bottoms and tops, or round cornered squares or rectangles. If you crop them too much the curves are lost and all that are left are angular shapes. Circles should be cropped with care, since the world supply of circles is dwindling every day, while the supplies of ovals and ellipses remain steady.
Next topic: Deja Vu
…this seems familiar.
Deja Vu -
With their critically-acclaimed 1995 debut hit album “Break Out the Scrod,” Myrtle Beach-based hip-hop trio Deja Vu ascended the charts and was hailed by critics and fans alike as the future of hip-hop, and the defining force of the “Myrtle Beach hip-hop explosion” of the years to come. Combining a diverse palette of samples of farmyard animals, Indian news broadcasts, Morse Code and Fischer-Price toys with the infectious drum and bass loops of polka, oom-pah and John Tesh, Deja Vu cut a clear and original path through the musical miasma of gangsta urban hip-hop. Their first hit single, “Double Bogey Boogie” debuted on Billboard’s charts at Number 4, peaking next week at the top spot where it stayed for a record 34 weeks.
Deja Vu formed as a trio when Delicious Myron (born John Woodworth, III), Jaguar J. (born Franklin Stephenson) and Vuluptuous Ethel (born Sunny Bottoms) met at a fraternity party at the University of South Carolina. They discovered their similar musical interests and soon discontinued their studies to devote their time fully to exploring the burgeoning hip-hop scene in Myrtle Beach. Floundering for the first three years without a major break, Deja Vu finally found the limelight when “Junk Bond Funk” became a minor hit in the Myrtle Beach club circuit. Hip-hop producer Carlos Broady (P Diddy, L’il Kim, Notorious B.I.G.) caught ear of the band, and signed them to a lucritive record deal.
Due to contract disputes with their record label and virulent band in-fighting, Deja Vu’s sophomore release has yet to be released. Tentatively titled “Deja Vu All Over Again,” industry insiders expect the record to be released in the winter of 2002. Look out for it.
Next Topic:
Periodic Table of Elements.
Periodic Table of Elements
Period was a famous carpenter. He was known throughout the world for his stunning hand-carved furniture. He decided once to create the most fabulous table ever seen on the earth. The table was crafted from the finest teak to be found upon the earth. It was covered with fantastical carvings of mythological beasts–gryffons, gargoyles, etc. It was a sight to behold.
After Period’s table was exhibited in some of the world’s greatest museums, it was sold at private auction. A wealthy man named Elemence bought the table. Elemence lived in a castle in Spain, and he charged visitors to come tour his castle. Whenever they came to his dining room, they all gasped in awe when they saw the Periodic Table of Elemence.
next topic: Ice cream
Ice T was an OG turned rapper and B-movie star. He decided to branch out into the restaurant business. He made a masterstroke of trademarking the name of one of the most popular milk products as the name of the franchise. He now owns over 20 stores across the country. Who knows, next week, there will be an Ice-Cream Restaurant near you.
Next: Ozymandias (this will be funny)
Ozzy Osborne is a rocker. He has a show on MTV. I’ve never seen it, but I think he mumbles a lot about dog poop and stuff like that. Nobody can understand much of what he says. In his stage shows, he used to bite heads off chicken. Some people call him “Ozzy-Man” 'cause they think it’s cool. And in Spanish, “buenos dias” means “good morning.” So when they see him, they say, “Ozzy-Man! Dias!”
(was that funny? I hope so!)
Next: Social Work
Ozzy Osborne is a rocker. He has a show on MTV. I’ve never seen it, but I think he mumbles a lot about dog poop and stuff like that. Nobody can understand much of what he says. In his stage shows, he used to bite heads off chickens. Some of his friends call him “Ozzy-Man” 'cause they think it’s cool. And in Spanish, “buenos dias” means “good morning.” So when they see him, they say, “Ozzy-Man! Dias!”
(was that funny? I hope so!)
Next: Social Work
When several people get together and talk amongst one another while on the job, this is social work. In other words, they socialize while they perform their duties. Some people work better when they are in the company of others. More introverted people, however, usually aren’t involved in social work; they prefer to work alone.
Next topic: Black Holes