Coffee Tables
Deep inside the Starbucks Headquarters, just next to the illegal genetics labs attempting to produce a truly soulless barista, there is a lab which is occupied only with determining the exact mass of any given blend and roast of coffee needed to excite but not sate the worst caffeine addict. The results are published in charts which adorn the walls of every manager’s office, known as Caffeine Tables or, more often, Coffee Tables.
Next topic:
microwave relays
A microwave relay is a really hard race where participants must run up and down a 50 meter path carrying a microwave, then hand it off to the next guy. Teams usually have four people, and the first team to carry the microwave 200 meters wins.
Next topic: necrophilia
here I was, all ready to post another essay, having the time of my life… I’m going home now.
Lazy ass.
Ahem.
Necrophilia is one of those innocent Latin words whose original meaning has been twisted by English speakers. Let’s try some entymology, shall we? Necro (NECK-ro) - Latin for ‘neck’ or the mass of tissue that separates your head from your shoulders, and Philia (FEEL-ya) - Latin for touching somebody. Thus, necrophilia used to mean touching somebody else’s neck, probably to check their pulse. How this word came to mean horkin’ dead folks is beyond me. Y’all 'r sick. The End.
Next topic: The Thirteen Colonies
Something happens to formerly nice, sweet, lovable children when they hit puberty. They become raging maniacs, full of hormones running amok. They snarl at their parents–if they even condescend to notice them at all.
B.F. Skinner, noted psychologist, conducted an experiment amongst youth of this age. Fifty-seven families participated in the study. They sent their 13-year olds to live in a youth-only version of Walden Two. These communities became known as the 13 Colonies, because as soon as the youth turned 14, the study was over and Skinner returned them to their homes.
Of course, some of them resented being returned and they ran away and formed their own commune. But the 14 Colonies is another story altogether.
Next topic: French fries
Colonies are very important in architecture. The Greeks invented colonies, and they had thirteen kinds. The first kind was the Ironic Colony. Then there was the Dorian Colony, which always looks younger than it really is, but it doesn’t look very good in pictures. Corinthian Colonies are made entirely out of hardened leather. Lydian colonies had pictures all over them. Mixolydian colonies were, as their name suggests, a mixture of Lydian and Corinthian colonies–they were made of leather that had been painted. Phrygian colonies were a special design that helped keep ancient Greek buildings cool by encouraging air flow. Quotidian colonies had words carved on them. Penal colonies had phalluses carved on them–this was common in ancient Greek paganism. They worshipped fertility, and it wasn’t dirty at all like it would be today. Mammalian colonies are similar, but female. Parthian colonies are the kind in the Parthenon. Batrachian colonies had bats wings at the top for decoration, and Avian colonies were the last kind of colonies the Greeks had. Colonies are very important, because without them, the roof would fall down.
The next topic will be: the Spanish Armada
Playing for Real Madrid from 1943-1953 and finishing off his career at Deportivo LaCaruna, Armada remains one of football’s all-time greats, scoring his legendary triple hat-trick in the Eurovision semi-finals against Sweden in 1948.
By sheer coincidence, another prominent Armada rose to fame from the Chilean league at the same time, and hence the appellations “the Spanish” and “the Chilean” were suffixed to their names to ensure clarity. These two Armadas are credited by most sports historians as popularizing the single-name monikers of football heroes to come (Pele, Ronaldo, Maradonna, Clamato, etc.)
Despite the great contribution of the Spanish Armada to European League football, he remains largely scorned and forgotten after being implicated in a vast international gambling scandal which rocked the sports world in 1963.
Ok, now French fries…
Since Pre-Historic times, the cave dwellers in and around Gaul, what is now modern France, spent endless hours in their caves. Even then, the urge to be creative was a spark that no cold rainy season could snuff out.
Mixing the melted fat of wooly mammoth’s with bits of berries and bark, they fashioned a respectable palate of colors. Lacking any education more formal than the little " draw the doggie" test on the inside of matchbooks to go by, these plucky souls eked out season after season of splendid, subtle, brilliantly colored works of art.
Once limestone powder was mixed with water, and plaster was invented, the artisans had boundless spaces with which to work. Some were even bold enough to attempt to paint right into the wet walls, creating the first early French Freizes.
Huh? Excuse me? What’s that you say?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. French FRIES??? Who the hell would paint with a French Fry? Please. :rolleyes:
Next topic : Gnarled Roots.
Gnarled roots - a metephor perhaps? The roots of a great magnificant organism slighted, no, plauged by the blemesh of gnarled roots - such as life. Perfection is a characteristic desired by all short of God. To gain perfection is to gain total enlightenment - to become Godlike. The “gnarled roots” of society is promoted and groomed by greed. One of the seven dealdy sins is what accounts for these roots. And to escape these roots is to escape the greed and therefore, reach your true goal - not of becoming God, but of becoming free.
Next topic: penis envy
Okay, you asked for it:
Penis Envy
In adolescence, desire for sexual activity often develops much before it is socially acceptable, convenient or even possible to have sex. Random moments of arousal plague our world’s teenagers, and it can be extremely frustrating for those without the social skills or moral capacity to arrange a sexual encounter when they desire it.
Seeing another male find sexual satisfaction creates an envy of the flaccid, sated state which the penis enters post-coitally. Hence, the feeling of “I wish I had your penis which is happy instead of mine which is desperate”. This is known as sated-penis envy or, in short, penis envy.
Next topic: Universal serial bus
Back in the 1930s Universal was one of the biggest film studios in the world, making classic horror movies such as “The Bridie of Frankensense” and “The Zamboni”, as well as series of half-hour adventure stories about superheroes such as Flush Gorgon and his Minging toilet, which were called serials, on account of being sponsored by Kelloggs, just like soap operas were 20 years later sponsored by the Sydney Opera House to promote its tour of midwestern laundromats.
Around this time one of the new ideas of cinema exhibition was the drive-thru. People would come and park their cars in front of a huge screen. However, back then the automobile had not been invented so Universal found there were not many customers for their drive-thru cinemas. So they thought, “OK if they do not have cars, why don’t we show our cinema programs in coaches and other people-carrying vehicles?”
And thus was born the Universal Serial Bus.
Next topic: Riot Grrl
Riot Grrl
Dark times were the 1980s - the rising of MTV and hairbands and the refusal to use vowels. PATAOV (people against the abuse of vowels) had become a strong organization with much influence - especially in Washington. Rumor had it that they had at least 30 senetors in their pocket alone. I guess it was no mystery how the No Vowel Act of 1986 got passed. It stated that within every group of two words, the second must contain no vowles - thus the birth of Riot Grrl.
Next topic: The origin of the crucifix
“The Origin of Cruxifix”-Sighed Professor Igor as a curious student asked him about it…
“Its actually a mystry you know…according the “Book of Knowledge” the Crucifix was a type of religious symbol on the Planet Earth…which is about 309.4 Light Years away.”
He stroked his antenna before continuing - " ON planetearth it was considered as a religious symbol by a large group of religiosus people who called themselves “Christians”. And so my fellow roach…we are not exactly sure about the origin of crucifix"
Next Topic: Kentucky Fried Chinken
KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
Back in '82 in Kentucky, the Kentuckians were getting very tired of the same old chicken. They decided they needed something new, something original. Something, well, Kentucky-ish. So the governor got together with his… umm… helpers, and they decided to hold a contest- a chicken-frying contest. Whoever fried the best chicken would win, and got $500. Thus, everyone started cooking chicken. Finally, although there was now a shortage of chicken in Kentucky, a winner was awarded the $500 (and died the next day of food poisioning.)
Next topic: “Freddie got Fingered”
Well, there was this kid in my gym class named Freddie Mercury. (Don’t ask; his parents were weird and named him after the lead singer of Queen) All the kids made fun of him, and eventually he got really sick of it… On that fateful Friday morning, he went up to all the guys who were making fun of them and cut off their fingers with pruning shears. The next week his parents found him dead in a bathtub full of murky water and fingers…
Next topic: angel food cake
One day, the devil devised an evil plan to attack all the gullible humans on the earth. He called his most skilled demons to come and cook a cake, a cake so rich and fluffy it was absolutely irresistible. Of course, this meant that it was also absolutely loaded with calories. They named this concoction “angel food cake” and put it on earth so that the humans would become addicted and get fat.
Note: Devils food cake was a little too obvious, so they needed something trickier.
Next up: Santa Clause
Santa Claus is a little known enclave, not too far from San Diego, but also not too far from San Francisco. I went there with my family on our last trip over the summer. I bleached my hair blond and popped my cherry, plus I got a kick ass tattoo on my ass. It was a hella cool week, but when I got back, I found myself in for a stint at juvie. So Santa Claus SUCKS!!! In my humble opinion, of course.
Next: Monkeys
Monkeys -
In the Franciscan monastic order, junior members of the brotherhood who have completed their nine-month prenovitate period and novitate year, thus being in a period known as “simple profession” are known as monkeys. Monkeys must undertake another three to nine years of service and missionary work before they may take their vows to become fully fledged monks. The phrase “as much fun as a barrel of monkeys” derives from the initiation ritural in which three pledge monkeys are placed into a barrel and rolled down a hill into the sea. This is considered entertainment of the highest order by the Franciscans. The so-called “sea monkeys” then make their solemn vows and become full-fledged friars. Then they get hammered.
Next:
The Treaty of Utrecht
Poor Utrecht was doomed to a life of geekdom because his parents stuck him with a really stupid name. He would have annoying conversations regarding north-side bridges or something and throw Klingon words in at random. When he finally lost his virginity at the age of 26, he covered up his monitor so his computer wouldn’t lose respect for him.
Perhaps his most annoying habit was using baby-talk in an attempt to seem “cute.” For instance, he referred to snacks as “treaties.” Like most geeks, Utrecht worshipped at the altar of cheesy poofs, but his favorite snack was chocolate-covered coffee beans, which became known among his circle as The Treaty of Utrecht.
Next Topic: Big Blue
For thousands of years, lumberjacks have been telling stories of the giant Paul Bunyan and his babe, Big Blue, who roamed the North helping to make it free of those pesky trees. Big Blue was so big, it took a crow a whole day to fly between…um…one part of her body and the other one. She was also plagued with incontinence, and is responsible for Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes. Even though she was Paul Bunyan’s babe, only Ole the Blacksmith could shoe her. That’s what they called it, back in those days.
Next topic: Feudalism