Trials were starting to become very tedius. The lawyers would yell at one another, standing and screaming “OBJECTION!” until their throats were raw and the judge sent the clerk out to buy ear plugs. Finally, one day the clerk decided that she had had enough. She was wearing out a pair of shoes a day just running to the store to pick up ear plugs for the judge. This lawyer behavior HAD to stop.
So she and the bailiff got together and conspired to form a plan. They HAD to get rid of the lawyers. However, if the obnoxious attourneys suddenly disappeared, it would look rather suspicious. So the clerk called her ex-boyfriend, who was still very much in love with her and would do ANYTHING for her. He worked at a nuclear energy plant. The clerk requested that he bring some nuclear waste in for her. She then made sure that the plaintiff’s attourney ended up covered in the stuff. The attourney then died. She also framed the defendent’s attourney, who was then taken away and locked in jail. In order to frame him, she planted Dynamic Nuclear Accident Evidence. After guilt consumed her, she confessed her crime to the world. The news reporters were getting tired of using the long phrase “dynamic nuclear accident evidence” so they renamed it DNA evidence.
Next up: Classical Literature
Classical Literature, is a matter of great discussion amongst literary types. I mean what is classical literature? My brothers 69 Pontiac GTO is a classical car, and they call the Beatles, classical rock, so in this writers opinion literature before 1970 is classical. Good examples of this are many and mainly open to opinion. People who read classical literature know it, because they just have to read the tiny numbers on the second page, and discover how classical that literature is for themselves. In summary everyone should read carefully because you might think something is a classical and it might not be for a few more years.
Next Topic: Selective Seritonin Reuptake Inhibitors
These government agents are merciless killing machines. The Seritonins have long sought to resettle in their native land of Seritonia, but our government has secretly been trying to eliminate these people.
The scary part is that it seems to be working, I searched the internet and I couldnt find any mention of Seritonia anywhere, this problem must reach down to the deepest levels of our government.
I will conclude my essay now for fear of saying too much and attracting unnessecary attention to myself.
Next topic: ummm… Snow Plows
The North Pole is very, very cold. It’s so cold, it never gets warm. So what, you may ask, do the eskimos who live there eat? They eat whales. Then they take the bones from the whales, and make farming equipment. The most impressive is, of course, the snow plow. Using a snow plow an eskimo can prepare a field of snow for planting and, when it’s ready, harvest what he has planted. The fields are a beautiful sight to see–row upon orderly row of polar bear seedlings, or perhaps a field of lichen. If it weren’t for the snow plow, there would be no snow farming, no polar bears, and no eskimos. That is why I think that snow plows are very important.
When single celled animals ruled the planet, they had no formal method of communicating. As the earth cooled and the temperature of their ambient environment shifted slightly, the photosynthetic automaticitic electrical relays that were an integral part of every quantuum universe began to be activated. Slowly but surely, each single celled organism began to first feel slight tinglings.
The word spread like wildfire ( even though since they’d all lived for hundreds of millions of years swimming in the briny deep, they didn’t KNOW what “wildfire was” ). The process was more rapid than anything we homo sapiens can imagine. As quickly as the Information Superage seems to have grappled its way into our cerebral cortices, nothing can compare to the astonishing shift in psyche. Within less than 90 days, the planet’s organisms went from lives of near-isolation where they’d simply float about, bumping into one another and dividing as fast as their adorable little nucleii would let them- to having full-fledged conferences and symposiums on everything from " Salt: A Good Idea? " to more erudite topics like “Why We Want Skin”.
If not for that ubiquitous knockkity-knock knock on their doors and the cheerful holler of, " Yes , M’am, Osmotic Upshock Communications here, we’re here to connect you to the Matrix?", then by god we never would have slithered forth from the aforementioned briny deep to develop into such enthralling species as the Gekko Lizard, Monarch Butterfly and International Brotherhood of Teamsters Shop Steward.
Recently, I had to call the tree surgeon. It seems my beloved Maple tree had aquired a condition.
I should have known something was up when these little yellow bugs started showing up. I’d never seen them before, but they were unfamiliar, and I figgured it was better to leave them alone for a while and maybe they’d go away on thier own.
Well, winter came and went. I’d assumed the horrid cold would have done them it. But don’t you know, we had a mild winter and the things survived.
Last spring when I went to tap my tree, it was dry! Ever haerd the phrase ‘Slow as molassas in January’? Try ‘Non exsistant as Maple in March’. Now, it’s going to take 3 years for my beloved tre to sap again! Damn those cowarldy bugs!
There were so many threads in the pit complaining about mods that Cecil had to make a very important executive decision. He had to choose people that everyone would listen to, whose decisions would brook no arguments, and who undeniably were above EVERYONE. Unfortuneatly, humans didn’t quite meet the requirements. First, he attempted taking the hamsters away from their wheels and giving them this increased responsibility. Unfortuneately, their small brain capacity just wasn’t enough. Besides, if they were moderators, who would generate the power for the SDMB? Then, Cecil gave many more chances. He started with a rabbit, which didn’t work because the SDMB had to grind to a halt every easter so that eggs could be delivered. He then tried a rooster, which was also unsuccessful because the loud crowing was causing permanent hearing loss in the hamsters. Then came a chihuha, but he never did his job! All his posts consisted of him telling his incredible desire for Taco Bell food. “Yo quiero Taco Bell! Yo quiero Taco Bell,” was getting a bit over-used. Next came a fish, but putting the computer in his fish tank caused water damage. His successor was a cow, but the cow was too busy with the new bull the farmer had bought. Then came a wood duck, but she had to fly south for the winter. She was followed by a squirrel, until he became too busy burying acorns. Cecil was at his wit’s end until a cat snuck in in pursuit of the squirrel.
The cat paused mid-chase when he saw the SDMB. He sat down at the computer and began to type, his claws click-clacking across the keyboard. It was almost as if Cecil had heard harps and other heavenly music as he looked over and saw the creature that he had been looking for: Coco the Cat
However, Coco wasn’t quite perfect. She needed some behavior changes before she was fully qualified to be a moderator. This included learning how to use a litterbox, as well as learning to restrain from self-grooming while in the office. When her behavior was fully modified, she then became a full-fledged mod.
The “Big Bang” is commonly referred to as the beginning of the universe. The phrase, of course, is a misnomer as we all know that in space an explosion would be silent (sorry all you Star Wars fans). However, the name was preferable to others that were suggested at the time, like the Big Fffftt, the Big Whiff, and Holy Shit What Was That. Some people say the Big Bang was the result of a singularity (meaning there was only one) that had had enough of its overcrowded conditions. It said to itself one day (though it wasn’t really day, as there was no time), “Look at all this room I’ve got to move around in. This is ridiculous. I’m Audi.” And with that it exploded into what we have today.
I’ve read that if you would like to experience the Big Bang for yourself, there is a place called the Breakfast Cafe At The Beginning Of The Universe where you can witness this event for yourself. Keep an eye out for celebrities here, especially for a guy with 2 heads and 3 arms. Guaranteed fun if he is around.
Atlantis was my great-aunt on my mother’s side, twice removed. Aunt Atlantis was once scared so badly by a door-to-door vacuum salesman, that she lost control of her bladder right there on the front porch. Anytime she saw a salesman, at the shoe store, in Wal-Mart, she would unfortunately wet her pants. Her doctor named this unique physiological reaction the Lost Continent of Atlantis.
Croissants are sometimes called crescent rolls, and I heard they’ll make a woman fertile if she’s trying to have a baby. Sometimes having a baby is hard, like when a woman drinks Coke right before having sex. Also, you shouldn’t have oral sex, because then you’ll get pregnant. Unless it’s your first time. You can’t get pregnant the first time you have oral sex.
Next topic: The Rise and Fall of Communist Russia
The Rise and Fall of Communist Russia is about a hot new planet, that I think is either near Jupiter. Or Venus. Anyways, it’s a phenomenom where this planet rises like the sun and then it sorta sets, and if you’re outside watching, it’s really pretty. Only you can’t see it during the day. I heard they sent a guy to the moon during the day, but I don’t know how they did THAT. In conclusion, planets are important.
In Ancient Greece where Centaurs roamed free and you could still get a decent stuffed grape leaves platter with some nice homemade wine for less than twenty ducats, there were many a fine shoppe and haberdashery.
Nikolas Pecckoristos, the famed 2nd Century B.C.E. hat-maker was the first person to consider adorning his hats with Greek letters. As soon as word spread that this was his modus operandi, all of the Fraternities and Sororities on all of the college campusi around Greece flocked to his shoppe.
Joey Baggadonuts, president and head cheese of the Phi Beta fellows was the first to have his hat adorned with the proper Greek symbols.
And, of course, he gave it a name. He called it his Phi Beta Kappa.
Omlette Du Frommage was this French dude from the town of Frommage. Back in those days, people didn’t have last names yet so they just used first names and where they were from to say who they were. It sometimes got kinda confusing cause what if there were two Omlettes from Frommage? Anyways…Omlette Du Frommage liked eggs a whole lot but got tired of you know just scrambling them, or frying them, or sometimes poaching them (poaching don’t mean he stole the eggs, it means he cooked them in boiling water). So he like started to mix em up with stuff like ham and cheese and tomatoes and peppers and all kinds of other stuff. Other people in Frommage really liked Omlette’s eggs and were always asking him to fix em some of his eggs with stuff in em. So, he got pretty famous for his eggs, which people just started calling Omlettes cause they were like all impressed with this Omlette dude’s way of fixin eggs. Oh, and one other weird thing. For some reason Frommage got all associated with cheese, maybe cause Omlette used a lot of cheese in his eggs, so the French people started calling cheese Frommage. French people are weird with language and they liked the way Frommage sounded, so it became French for cheese instead of the old way they said it, le cheeze.
Next Topic: The Ivory Coast
The Ivory Coast is this coast that’s like, really white. You know, like ivory soap. Ivory soap floats in water, so stuff on the Ivory Coast also floats. I think the Ivory Coast is in Canada, because they get a lot of snow, and snow is white, but that would mean it’s cold, and I’m not sure if cold stuff floats. But ice floats in your Coke glass, so maybe I’m wrong. Ice is also white like soap.
The Iran-Contra Scandal was like when I was sprinting real fast and had to pull some fast sidestepping moves to avoid running into other racers, which would have been a scandal since it was a competative race. Many Olympic scandals in track and field would have been prevented had the sprinters employed some running contra-scandal.
The Battle of Verdun took place in Rip Griffin’s truckstop. It started out as a bar fight, but the combination of various spirits had unfortunate side-effects on the participants. The resulting gouls, vampires, and werewolves went on a rampage and were only controlled with liberal applications of holy water. They were eventually confined in Thrillvania, where they’ve been ever since.
Africanized Honey Bees are bees that like Africanized honey. Africanizing is kind of like Pasteurizing. You know, you leave something in a pasture and it develops these good germs that protect you against disease. Then you put the honey in your tea and it makes you feel better. That’s why the bees like it.
Next: Torquemada
Ok so, some times my dad helps me fix my car. It’s a POS but it helps me get back and forth to work, you know, when I have a job. So this one time he was fixing it, and he started screaming that the engine was running really bad 'cause it didn’t have enough torque (what the hell is torque?) so he got really mad and stuff. It turned out that he was wrong, anyway, and I just needed an oil change.
