I’ve been concerned about the upcoming elections for some time (and I’ve been concerned that a Bush win will prompt Satan to leave the country), so I’ve decided to take the proper course of action that all true fighters of ignorance must consider at one point or another…
I’m running for President of the United States of America, as the nominee for the Straight Dope party.
Vote Diddly in '00! I promise to ensure a stranglehold on commerce and business, eventually spreading my influence across the entire globe, unifying all peoples under my Iron Fist! Dumbshits and Goat-felchers will be thrown into the massive furnaces, where their remains will power our science instruments, allowing us to design incredible weapons and technologies the like of which the world has never seen before! Equipped with these new powers, my grand fleets shall set off across the galaxy, conquering extra-terrestial peoples like they were insects!
Soon, my conquests will lead me to the N’Crawn Hunk-O’-Lead, an artifact of unlimited power. I shall consume this Hunk-O’-Lead, thereby rendering myself nigh-omnipotent, which will allow me to successfully campaign for a second term!
When I finish up my second term (during which I’ll devise a method of cutting taxes by lowering the wages of all government servants to around minimum), I shall take my leave of this puny universe and travel throughout the different dimensional realms of existence, battling others such as myself for domination of the omniverse. Soon, I shall conquer Lucifer himself in Pandemonium, and rallying the forces of Hell around me, I shall march upon the Pearly Gates, storm the forces of Heaven, and enter into the throneroom of God himself, whereupon I will demand that he tell those executive bastards over at Pepsi to begin making Josta again.
After I have brought Josta back to the world, peace and tranquility will reign for ten million years (which is when I get back from vacation on Pimpia Prime). After my return, I’ll run for the seat of New York Senator (which I will lose, throw a tantrum, and accidently cause the sun to go supernova… for which I’ll apologize beforehand).
Anyway, vote Diddly in '00!