I, Colten John Smith hereby officially announce my candidacy for the office of the President of the United States of America under the I Wanna Live in that Big Ass House political party. I am offering you, the American public the opportunity to tax the IRS. If elected, I will personally destroy Congress by encasing them all in a mold of lime Jell-O. That way they can’t do any of their whining and stop you the American public from deciding the way the United States should be run. Wait, what am I saying, why stop at the United States? We are americans. Hell, I’m not gonna let congress stop you, the American public from running the world. All decisions will be made by votes of every member of the country, except congress. The process will be that everyone just steps outside and yells their decision in the air. The AudioVoteCompilerDealy that is currently in development stages, will tally all the votes and report within 12 hours. This way, issues are settled fast and furious. Oh yeah, and vote as many times as you want. Nap Time will be a federally mandated requirement for everyday, and if you don’t feel like napping, then don’t. What the hell do I care. I merely serve as a vehicle for you, the American public to take back the nation you have worked so hard to develop. I get to live in the house. But if anybody wants to stay the night and watch movies and BBQ, feel free to stop by. It’s going on every night.
These are just a small portion of my plethera of ideas that will serve to reform this great country that could be so much greater.
If you believe in my policies please send a donation anywhere between the amount of $1 to $1,000,000,000,000 for purposes of purchasing all that damn Jell-O. Oh yeah, and maybe I’ll settle the national debt somewhere in there, but first there’ll have to be a vote.
if I knew your position on the NASA budget. And a constitutional ammendment barring sequels to good movies. (I’m looking at you, George Lucas; and you Francis Ford Coppola)
this is probably the happiest day of my life. i am now listening to business plans, and at least three of the presenters are running shirt making companies. So i got the hook up for the shirts if more people express interest.
I just had a thought. And somewhere in that thought was a brilliant campaign slogan. But then I forgot. So here’s what I still have. Vote for Colten because his name definitely rhymes with Bolten.
I would vote for you, except I’ve already pledged my vote for Dead Chipmunk. And if DC decides not to run, we’ve decided to start a campaign through email to convince everyone in America to write in a vote for my parents’ 19 year old neighbor, right after we white out the “35 years old” requirement in the Constitution.
DC’s going to DC, Bub–get on the bandwagon, or get run over by it. There are many exciting executive positions available for those who sell out…er, see the wisdom of supporting Dead Chipmunk rather than run their own doomed campaigns. Something to think about.
Sincerely,
MysterEcks
National Security Advisor/Secretary of Defense-designate, Dead Chipmunk Administration
Oh, everyone… did I mention that Steeljaw routinely sells Zima to children? And that he wants to require that all women slice off their clitoris if they’re over 21? Look at his voting record, people, and see for yourself.
What’s wrong with selling Zima to children. And that clitoris thing was taken way out of context. maybe the rodent and I could join forces or something. does he already have a running mate? anyway, yeah, i’ll see you in the debates, or maybe they sould be called Spoofe Annhilation Seminar instead, chump.
Oh yeah, and a point of campaign. I know how we Americans enjoy scandals, and boy oh boy, do I have some good scandals for my term. Spoofe has nothing but principles and morals, hell, he won’t even sell your kids alcoholic beverages. Do we really want another guy like that in office?
Hey, steeljaw, it’s obvious that you’re missing a vice president. I put myself up for consideration. I’ve already got my basement stocked with green jello, and I’m ready to go anytime. Together, we can tear this country a new one! I’ve even got a slogan: “Steeljaw. Cause who really gives a fuck?”
Jester, you’re in. Anybody with the ingenuity to come up with a slogan like that, a slogan that is to the point and really shows what I stand for, would be an invaluable asset to my cabinet.
As for mayonaise on hamburgers, I don’t know. Do whatever the hell you want. I personally put mayonaise, ketchup, mustard, and cheese on both my hamburgers and hot dogs. But hey, whatever floats your boat. If you really hate mayonaise on burgers, I recommend you place a suggestion in the suggestion box suggesting that we ban mayonaise on hamburgers, then we’ll hold a vote in the customary fashion, and see how it turns out.
Snakes, ah yes, snakes. I’ve got three. An 18 foot burmese python that eats frozen chickens, an 8 foot red tail boa constrictor that eats mice, and about a 6-inch baby ball python that eats really little mice. It’s just so cute. If you wanna hear more about the snakes, vote for me, then I’ll talk about it in my inagural speech.
As for those of you worried about not being able to vote because of age residency, whatever, just vote. I’m not of legal age to vote either, and I say Canadians should have almost as many rights as Americans, assuming they are voting for me. So hey, just cross the border, get fake social security, and I’ll see you at the polls.
Hmmmmmmm…snakes, eh? Well, that might be the way to, uhmmm…“reduce” the competition, especially in the dead chipmunk department, no?
Mayonnaise on hamburgers? Well, I don’t do it, but if it’ll get me and my running mate votes, then I’ll go out to Giant Eagle this second and load up the truck.
The slogan is currently being put on a number of buttons to be distributed by throwing them out of the plane at every sporting event in the future. Wait a second…metal buttons, high velocity…ah, well. Guess it’s back to the drawing boards!
That’s blatantly untrue. I’m against selling Zima, and only Zima, to ANYone.
Are you nuts? I want to use the presidency as a foothold towards conquering all of creation, the universe and heaven and hell itself.
If I’m elected president, I shall throw a massive orgy for EVERYONE!! If you elect steeljaw, he’ll ban sex AND Internet access!! I, of course, completely disagree with this course of action, as I invented the Internet. And did I mention that I’m related to Cecil…?
