I hereby tender my candidacy, and initiate my campaign for the Presidency of the United States.

Politics & Elections
1

Article II, Sect. 1, Clause 5: “*No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States. *”

On Sunday, I shall meet this requirement, and Monday, I will be proud to announce my candidacy and initiate my campaign for the Presidency of the United States–which is not to be confused with the two previous campaigns I initiated on the SDMB: this time, I’m legal.

I invite any other potential candidates to join me, as we have in the past, for Presidential debates to be hosted & held here on the boards.

Again, because of my distrust of the ‘big machines’ of the Democrats and Republicans, I’m initiating my campaign under the “Damn Good Third Choice” party. I’m a sensible guy, with reasonable expectations of government, but not so much that it intrudes on our daily life. I believe in the theory of a flat tax, but know that execution would be tricky because corporations and certain unscrupulous people will try to exploit loopholes. I believe the right to bear firearms is an individual right, but that States have the right to limit what and when you carry–the vast expanses of North Dakota are far different from the packed suburbs of New Jersey. I believe we should invite our Canadian neighbors down for more barbecues. I believe the French are not in a conspiracy with the Tibetans, but I do believe that the US Air Force covered up the Roswell incident and stored bodies next to the Ark of the Covenant at a warehouse in Nevada. I believe Sino-Russian tensions can be relieved with a good, warm hug and a game of beer pong. I believe we can fly–I support NASA in reaching the sky. I believe “Mr Gorbachov, tear down this wall!” defined my generation.

I believe I’m a damn good third choice, and I want your vote.

Tripler
Trust me. :smiley:

2

Well - I thought you were putting together a pretty good campaign and building some momentum. Until this gaff . . . . . .

So obviously - that was the beginning of the end. Oh well . . . .

3

I indiacted I had reasonable expectations . . . but not that those expectations would be accurately delivered on. C’mon now, I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid. I myself have had plenty of experience with bloated bureaucracy, finger pointing, and backstabbing.

Tripler
Helping put the “mental” in ‘governmental’ since 1999.

4

I’m good with this. So, which Canadian Dopers would like to come down here for barbecue? In August? Bring sunscreen and beer. Lots of both.

5

If you’ll pledge to veto SOPA, PIPA, or anything related to them that comes down the pipe, you’ve got my vote.

6

You had my vote until you made this comment:

Everybody knows the aliens are being kept at Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio.

7

I think this is a wonderful thing, and to show you my support I will vote for John Huntsman in the South Carolina primary tomorrow.

OK, I won’t really, because I live in California…but I’m with you in spirit.

Well, not so much ‘in spirit’…but I did enjoy reading your OP. That’s more than I can say for any of the other candidates!

8

President of the United States of what state?

9

Better you than me.

I firmly believe that the desire to lead a country should automatically disqualify that person from running.

I do not however have an alternative.

10

I will happlily veto SOPA and PIPA. Those bills, while their aim seems noble enough, were so poorly written that my cat with tuna on it’s breath could have hacked up a better piece of legislation. I support net neutrality too–it’s one giant happy information superhighway, and the more people can explore using it, the more it will advance technology, us, and knowledge as a whole. As a corollary, I don’t fault the gun for murdering someone–I fault the idiot who pulled the trigger.

The State of Sanity. With this emergency power I’ll unite us all under one large galactic empi. .. oh wait, stoopid movie. We’re all Americans, and it’s time we kick out the corporations. Its been years since I’ve held a job in the private sector, so I’m immune to their stupidity and corruption. Hell, I don’t even know how to spell “briabe”. . . “breybe” . . . “braaaab”, aw f*ck it: graft.

That’s why I’m your Damn Good Third Choice.

Tripler
I’m here for you.

11

I’ll vote for you, as long as you rescind those silly rules that disallow foreigners from meddling in your politics. :slight_smile:

12

I think we’ve meddled enough in other nation’s politics that we ought to afford some sort of discussion (or diatribe) from others. A healthy, lively exchange of ideas and topics instead of. . . say, cruise missiles. How’s that?

Tripler
Seriously, can’t we all just get along?

13

Before I send you 5 DoperDollars to support the campaign, I have a few extremely relevant questions:

a) Have you ever asked your wife, assuming you have one, to live in an “open” relationship?

b) If a low-ranking, moderately attractive staffer offered you a free blow job, would you accept?

c) Do you include blow jobs in the category of “sexual relations.”

d) If the Secret Service gave you the code name “Weenie Head,” what would your response be?

e) Do you support the trade ban on Cuban cigars?

f) Would you take the dare to prank call the Russian President, and order a pepperoni pizza on the red phone in the Oval office?

g) Would you approve a DoperGathering at the White House? (If so, I call dibs on the Lincoln bedroom.)

14

Easily done.

Tripler, I can set up the appropriate machinery to guarantee your victory. However, I will require a new position in your administration to be created for, and staffed by, me. The position will be The Office of Hegemony Mitigation and Global Federation. Budget demands will be quite modest, but I will require complete operational freedom and the standard clauses of legal immunity. By the next election, you will find a considerably larger constituency pledging near complete allegience to your benevolent administration.

15

Are you hot? Cuz I’ll vote for you if you’re hot.

16

I’ve met him, he’s hotter than I am, and I look like this. :slight_smile:

17

Do you have a VP yet? I’m not doing much at my current job. If you don’t mind me telecommuting I might be available.

18

I don’t know - I’m still on the fence. I guess I’m not quite getting enough pandering. Do you think you could pander some more?

Also - do you have a smoke filled back room?

19

I hate to throw cold water on your plans, Tripler, but the fact of the matter is, Dopers talk a lot of support during the campaign, but when it comes down to time to go to the polls, you won’t even get a single electoral vote out of 'em.

– Standard Bearer for the Polycarp-Esprix 2000 campaign

(You’d think with the number of atheists we have here, there’d be at least one faithless elector!)

20

Good questions!
A) If by “open” relationship you mean I ‘open the door’ and hold it for her like a gentleman, then yes . . . I’ve always had an “open” relationship and didn’t need to ask.

B) Only if said staffer were filling my truck’s tires or otherwise offering industrial pneumatic services.

C) No, because I don’t know anyone that gets off on compressed air.

D) I’d punch the fcker. And I know who that fcker is. Seriously, I do.

E) I don’t support the trade ban, because I think it’s doing absolutely anything. But then again, I don’t smoke anymore, so maybe I"m missing something. . . no comment.

F) I was in Joe Biden’s basement, and have already done this. You’re behind in your research.

G) F*ck yeah! I’d invite Cecil Adams to mind the nuclear football while we all had one hell of a poker game, too.

Done. I can’t legally name Cabinet members before my elected-ness has been certified, but let’s just say the Global Fed Czar has a list, and you are on that list, my friend.

I don’t want to mince words but. . . I have many leatherbound books. My office smells like rich mahogany. I’m what you might call, “a big deal.”

See my comment above to Inigo. That, and the Biden Policy dictates that most VPs should be heard and not publicly seen would work well for you in the telecommute.

It’s no longer a habitable back room after I get done with it. And the smoke dissipates after some time.

Tripler
Thanks, keep 'em coming.