Having just been voted the nominee of the Live Free Or Die Party which I recently made up, I’m proud to stand on these hallowed steps of the Straight Dope in my completely non-native Chicago and formally announce my candidacy for President of the United States.
Now I have a great deal of respect for Tripler who has served his country with distinction. But folks, I think you’ll find he’s a Washington insider having been in politics since May of 2000. And his record of so-called political discourse clearly outstrips his tenure here. At over a post and a half a day he’s got more hot air than the late Ted Kennedy. Clearly he missed the good advice that its better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. In his over 6,600 posts I can’t find a single one where he put aside attacks on his opponents and advancing his political career in favor of putting forth ideas that will actually move this great nation forward. And we can’t forget that he’s an admitted criminal. He himself says that he has twice run an illegal campaign in an attempt to defraud voters and undermine this country’s entire political process.
No appraisal of Tripler would be complete without discussing the views that put him so out of step with the voters he’s trying to court. His foreign policy approach involves copious use of alcohol and inappropriate physical affections between distinguished world leaders. While he hasn’t yet proffered what foreign policy experience he has, I don’t think at this point I’d believe he’s so much as eaten at an international house of pancakes. His admitted conspiracy theorism is equally troubling. I can’t imagine telling voters that everything from aliens to religious treasures are in the possession of the federal government will make him look like a serious and plausible candidate for office. I don’t think we can trust Tripler’s position on much of anything. In his very first stump speach he managed to waffle on two topics in one paragraph. Either you’re for a flatter fairer tax and are committed to getting it done or you’re not. I am. Wither you respect the constitutional gun rights of citizens of every state equally or you do not. I do.
Now let me say here what I am here for and what my campaign is about. I am for individual citizens making their own decisions without interference from the government as much as is possible while maintaining a civil society. I am for business making their own decisions free from over-regulation when they treat their customers and shareholders honestly and fairly. I am for lowering the cost of health care substantially while letting patients and doctors make medical decisions together without interference from government. I am for human life before birth and after and will work to reduce abortion to cases where it is truly necessary to save the life of the mother. I am for government spending less, taking in less, and getting out of the business of borrowing money or in any way offering “investment products”. I am, concurrently for the cost of government as a percentage of your paycheck and our GDP being much smaller than it is today. I am for sharply reducing laws that affect law abiding gun owners in favor of enhancing prosecution of criminals who use guns in crime. I am for a enhanced right to privacy for citizens of this country to include government seeking and storing much less data about its citizens. I am for a strong military defense of this nation that is based much more at home and far less abroad. I am for using that military defense as seldom as possible as anything other than a defense of this country. I am for a near-impenetrable line of ships and barriers along the borders of this country to male legal immigration the only possible means of immigration.
I’d like to make a quick note about campaign style: I think voters are sick of hearing themselves referred to as “The American People” every thirty seconds by some patronizing political hack. That’s one of several very good names for what we are, of course, but it’s become so trite I find it a bit jingoistic. I also think it would be awfully rude of me to presume to speak for you on every issue. As such I will eschew phrases such as “everybody knows” and “the American people believe.” I will also avoid whenever possible bringing up references to Ronald Regan. In think he was a good president who did a great deal of good for this country, but it is not my ambition to be just like him, he’s not available to endorse me and I am not going to try to convince you that I am the candidate most like him and therefore you should vote for me.
So Tripler, with the forceful smack of a stiff leather glove, I challenge you to a [del]duel[/del] debate. It ought to be a great debate and I ask the moderators that the eponymous forum be reserved for that purpose. Tripler, I invite you to choose the time and an impartial, well respected doper to serve as moderator.