We desparately need a 4th party candidate. Why I'm running against Tripler and why I'll win

Having just been voted the nominee of the Live Free Or Die Party which I recently made up, I’m proud to stand on these hallowed steps of the Straight Dope in my completely non-native Chicago and formally announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

Now I have a great deal of respect for Tripler who has served his country with distinction. But folks, I think you’ll find he’s a Washington insider having been in politics since May of 2000. And his record of so-called political discourse clearly outstrips his tenure here. At over a post and a half a day he’s got more hot air than the late Ted Kennedy. Clearly he missed the good advice that its better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. In his over 6,600 posts I can’t find a single one where he put aside attacks on his opponents and advancing his political career in favor of putting forth ideas that will actually move this great nation forward. And we can’t forget that he’s an admitted criminal. He himself says that he has twice run an illegal campaign in an attempt to defraud voters and undermine this country’s entire political process.

No appraisal of Tripler would be complete without discussing the views that put him so out of step with the voters he’s trying to court. His foreign policy approach involves copious use of alcohol and inappropriate physical affections between distinguished world leaders. While he hasn’t yet proffered what foreign policy experience he has, I don’t think at this point I’d believe he’s so much as eaten at an international house of pancakes. His admitted conspiracy theorism is equally troubling. I can’t imagine telling voters that everything from aliens to religious treasures are in the possession of the federal government will make him look like a serious and plausible candidate for office. I don’t think we can trust Tripler’s position on much of anything. In his very first stump speach he managed to waffle on two topics in one paragraph. Either you’re for a flatter fairer tax and are committed to getting it done or you’re not. I am. Wither you respect the constitutional gun rights of citizens of every state equally or you do not. I do.

Now let me say here what I am here for and what my campaign is about. I am for individual citizens making their own decisions without interference from the government as much as is possible while maintaining a civil society. I am for business making their own decisions free from over-regulation when they treat their customers and shareholders honestly and fairly. I am for lowering the cost of health care substantially while letting patients and doctors make medical decisions together without interference from government. I am for human life before birth and after and will work to reduce abortion to cases where it is truly necessary to save the life of the mother. I am for government spending less, taking in less, and getting out of the business of borrowing money or in any way offering “investment products”. I am, concurrently for the cost of government as a percentage of your paycheck and our GDP being much smaller than it is today. I am for sharply reducing laws that affect law abiding gun owners in favor of enhancing prosecution of criminals who use guns in crime. I am for a enhanced right to privacy for citizens of this country to include government seeking and storing much less data about its citizens. I am for a strong military defense of this nation that is based much more at home and far less abroad. I am for using that military defense as seldom as possible as anything other than a defense of this country. I am for a near-impenetrable line of ships and barriers along the borders of this country to male legal immigration the only possible means of immigration.

I’d like to make a quick note about campaign style: I think voters are sick of hearing themselves referred to as “The American People” every thirty seconds by some patronizing political hack. That’s one of several very good names for what we are, of course, but it’s become so trite I find it a bit jingoistic. I also think it would be awfully rude of me to presume to speak for you on every issue. As such I will eschew phrases such as “everybody knows” and “the American people believe.” I will also avoid whenever possible bringing up references to Ronald Regan. In think he was a good president who did a great deal of good for this country, but it is not my ambition to be just like him, he’s not available to endorse me and I am not going to try to convince you that I am the candidate most like him and therefore you should vote for me.

So Tripler, with the forceful smack of a stiff leather glove, I challenge you to a [del]duel[/del] debate. It ought to be a great debate and I ask the moderators that the eponymous forum be reserved for that purpose. Tripler, I invite you to choose the time and an impartial, well respected doper to serve as moderator.

Are you hot? Cuz I’ll vote for you if you’re hot.

Hot or not, I’m taken. I see that you asked my opponent this same question :dubious: … perhaps you should re-evaluate the criteria on which you choose whom to vote for.:rolleyes:

**Tripler **will never be President - I hear his wife’s divorced and he sleeps with animals!1!

So does this mean you guys will be electing a King again, or what?

Awesome! I’m glad to see democracy in action. Now granted, I started the call with some glibness, but I meant to get your attention so we could all engage ont he important topics. Good icebreakers for all of us! Let’s jump right into your logic train, shall we?

Well, having been Washington DC’s pawn the better half of 11 years, I would hardly call myself an “insider.” A post and a half a day? There have been some sporadic topics I’d jumped in on, but take that as a sign that I’m willing to fight. I realize that there’s no use adding another chef to an otherwise full kitchen of threads/topics, and if I’m just going to echo someone else’s thoughts and sentiments, why post?

You read through 6,600 posts in just under a day? Clearly, you’re not spending time on substance, and just reading headlines/taglines. If this is the kind of office you’ll run if elected, I shudder to think of the decisions you’ll be making given the current state of affairs. In regards to the illegal campaigns, I opened them knowing full well I couldn’t get elected, and advised the electorate accordingly. I was glad to have their write in votes, especially to illustrate their dissatisfaction with the two-party status quo.

Oh dear. First, Angela Merkel never pressed charges. Second, I don’t know where in the last four years I implied alcohol was influencing my foreign policy. My foreign policy? You haven’t asked it yet. My experience? Four deployments, meeting & working with locals, and engaging NATO partners in solutions to an otherwise Taliban-saturated battlespace. I can go on, but your kids’ stack of flapjacks are getting cold.

This is a quick kill: It’s perfectly easy and logical to admit religious and extraterrestrial technology is in the hands of the federal government. We have museums–they have religious treasures. Materials of extraterrestrial origin? I’m sure they do, and I’d want them to keep a lid on it until we find out how to professionally deliver this news to society at large; dropping news like that recklessly would cause a disintegration of civilization the likes of which we have never seen. Kind of like when you get home tonight and admit to yourself that your campaign can’t go anywhere because you can’t spell, can’t code, and you insult your voters.

And I don’t waffle on issues–I call them as they are. I support a flat tax, but don’t know how to implement it yet. As I mentioned in my unveiling, execution would be tricky, so we’ll need to take our time with it. If you want to go suggesting laws all willy-nilly without research, go right ahead my friend; you’ll be so deadlocked in Congress you won’t get anything done. Same with gun rights–I support them, and am a firm supporter of HR 822, as it is written. If a State thinks it’s not feasable or desirable to allow concealed carry within it’s own borders, it has the right to restrict them. As I mentioned, Billings, MT is far different than New York City. If you want to broad-brush all of the citizens of this great nation under your own particular ideals, then you’re gonna make a lot of people unhappy. I recognize the differences in regional populations, and know that what works in the South may just be unpalatable up in the Northern Tier. You should learn to bring everyone in instead of issuing your royal decrees.

But you want to impose legislation on regions without regard to States Rights?

That’s a lot of buzzwords and great media hype. How’re you gonna do it all, then?

I agree with you about labelling the population. However, to deny the influence the Gipper had on the US during the heightened times of the Cold War, as electronic technology was beginning to permeate society, the government, and the Defense Department’s decision making process would be negligent at best. He shaped this country, and even after his loss, his legacy guided us through the fall of the Soviet Union and down the path to where we are today. Don’t deny that his dealings with the mujahadin didn’t put us where we are today.

Well, I’ll cease and desist my debate here then. I accept your debate challenge, and will ruminate on a good moderator! I’ll let you pick the date/time (preferrably a weeknight), and we’ll debate our ideas for solid leadership in the Politics forum!

Tripler
Good to meet you Sir. I hope for your vote in the election. :smiley:

I was going to run as a write-in candidate, but polls showed that my name is too difficult to spell for people in the bible belt.
Plus, I have so many skeletons in the closet that the UN is investigating me for war crimes.
Thus, after much thought, I have decided to withdraw from the race at this time.

I will be throwing my support to one of the other candidates, but have not made up my mind as of yet. If snowmaster and Tripler would like to get my bank account number for any good-faith direct deposits into my account, I would be happy to take a closer look at their platform before endorsing anyone.

Perhaps I wasn’t clear that I thought a post and a half a day was a bit much. I admire your willingness to fight, but perhaps if you has chosen any of your fights big enough to matter or small enough to win you may have had some level of accomplishment in your record.

I most certainly did not. While I think a little bit of opposition research is good for a campaign, I don’t see much value in reading everything you’ve written in the past 12 years. In fact, I don’t think some radical position you may have long ago held in your youth and inexperience has much bearing on your electability. (There’s my one and only Reagan nod.) My interests lie with the issues and with the direction of this nation.

Well given the implications here I’m forced to concede that your close personal relationships in the upper echelons of the Bundestag would make you best equipped to settle any diplomatic issues we may have with Germany. Moving on, I didn’t say alcohol was influencing your foreign policy, I said it IS your foreign policy. You directly stated that Sino-Russian relations could be improved by a beer-fueled international brouhaha.

I believe I’ve seen enough about what I think of some of your more obtuse beliefs here. I’m very tempted in a situation like this to say that the vast majority of the electorate thinks you’re off your nut when you say things like this, but I have promised not to presume what voters think and I’ll get out of the way of them deciding for themselves on this issue.

I’m actually more troubled by the slowness to act you describe here… you mentioned the same stop, wait, think a bit routine on your flat tax proposal. Trip, the situation this country is in calls for bold and immediate action that the incumbent president just isn’t taking. Now I’m all for sober second thought. I think we made a lousy blunder going into Iraq the first time with no plan to conclude peace and get out. But in critical situations such as the unpopular tax code we have that is full of loopholes, far too regressive and failing to collect a fair share from the wealthiest of us, well planned but immediate action is called for. It’s 10 months to election day and a year to inauguration day. I hope you’ll take some of that time to firm up some of these plans so that in the unlikely case that your campaign goes anywhere you’ll be at least somewhat prepared to take immediate action to address this country’s most pressing concerns.

As to the charges you surely remembered using from you kindergarten debate club, I can spell fine although my typing leaves a little to be desired. I make no claims about my ability to code. My wife likes Perls but is scared of Ball Pythons, I enjoy a cup of Java once in a while, and I once got a C++ on an Algebra II test I didn’t study for. I know just enough about coding to be dangerous and get 99% of XKCD cartoons. I do not expect coding to be a skill necessary to the presidency. And yeah, as a sign of respect for you, my worth opponent, I tried to bold your name in my thread title. Apparently it doesn’t work that way. I never want to insult my voters but I won’t sit by while one of them tries to make an issue out of a particularly irrelevant or incendiary topic.

HR822 is a good step in the right direction, but subjecting lawful gun owners to the myriad state laws concerning concealed carry is both a massive impediment to someone on a peaceable journey and a huge trap just waiting to ensnare the otherwise law-abiding into some obscure facet of state gun law. Never mind still that some states’ idea of concealed carry isn’t what you’d imagine, including among other things severe restrictions on carrying in a motor vehicle which is, of course, how we Americans tend to cross state lines.

You always want to paint freedom with a broad brush and most especially so a constitutional freedom. You paint restrictions on those freedoms with the narrowest possible brush. That you think the right to keep an bear arms in the truest sense of those words is a right that ought not be available equally to all Americans scares me. I want to bring everyone in on freedom every time, everywhere. To me, the royal decrees you speak of would include unfunded mandates, curriculum directives from the DOE, government telling states how many entitlements they have to give out etc. States and the federal government are a check on each other and both must act swiftly when the other restricts the constitutional freedoms of the people.

I’m for States’ Rights, but I put citizens’ rights first and always will.

I thought you’d never ask, but let’s get it right and take 'em one at a time. I’m not going to lay out all of my plans for you to pick apart while you’ve yet to think up yours, but I’d be happy to get into specifics in out debate. Alternatively, we could come to and agreement to release our plans on a certain topic simultaneously. As a matter of fact, I’d prefer it that way and suggest taxes as our first topic; you choose that date and we’ll both post our plans.

Like every other president we’ve had, Reagan made some good decisions and some bad ones. I think he always tried to be honest and his heart was in the right place. Despite some of his failings as commander in chief he was always a good moral leader who helped his country find itself again. I’m a Ronnie fan, I don’t discount him but I’ve said my piece about making my campaign about comparing myself to him. I think that tactic has grown stale and no longer seems sincere to voters. But that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

I look forward to the occasion. You are an gentleman and a scholar. I’d prefer a weekend; would an in between evening like Friday or Sunday work for you? By what mechanism should the moderator choose questions and should Dopers submit them to him?

Regards,

Snowmaster

This sounds like one of those this man’s father is my father’s son puzzles. So I take it you yourself are divorced (although presumably not from Tripler) and you sleep with animals (presumable in a strictly platonic I luvs me sum puppeez and kittehs kind of way).

You know, I’ve never thought that a candidate’s wife should be an issue to her husband’s voters, but now that you brouht yourself up, tell me about what kind of first lady you’d be if Tripler is elected.

Now that’s American-style politics! :slight_smile:

And I still don’t know which candidate is hotter.

And I too, Sir, look forward to the tangling of ideas with you! May the best man or woman for the job take the “Cecil Endorsement.”

I have a business trip that I’m leaving for next Sunday, but what I was thinking is that we pick a moderator. . . I’m thinking Rico just 'cause, what the hell (I barely know the guy), and he selects eight random questions from a smattering of Dopers in the thread. Then you and I get a, say 750-word answer, with a 250-word rebuttal. Work for you? Then, wanna do a mock election later on in the month as our ‘Primary’?

I’m gonna open up a thread in the Elections forum. See ya there.

Tripler
I’d even allow other 5th or 6th party candidates to self-identify there.

I’d prefer shorter answers in favor of a larger variety of questions. Presumably we are not going to do this many times like the “more well known” republicans are and I’d like to at least touch on all of the commonly debated issues. Perhaps some direction to the moderator that we go with questions on real issues. While I have strong feelings about the use of tl;dr and the use of OpalCat in lists, I’d like to maintain the illusion of our semi-seriousness.

If you pull a list with an OpalCat reference on line three, I will employ my Nuclear Option: I will point and laugh at you, and make reference of that time you sent a handwritten note to Nicolas Sarkozy asking him to be “BFFs 4ever, mon ami.” I will ensure your shame. :smiley:

Shorter answers I can do. I’ll keep it brief and to the point.

Tripler
PREZs 4ever!

Clearly Tripler, as snowmaster refused to address the hotness question. I mean, seriously, how do you think JFK got elected? He courted the chick electorate…

Your OP is waaaay too long. You’ll have to work very hard to earn my support. I’m talking beer and nachos, here. Dos Equis even.

I hadn’t realized that the debate was (perhaps) intended as a duel between Tripler and snowmaster. I hope you two don’t mind that stelios and I jumped in as well.

Tripler has a menacing looking photo in the SDMB Portrait Gallery while the other three candidates are suspiciously absent.

I had envisioned a duel, but our moderator who I accepted asked if we were limited to two candidates and you, a thoroughly disinterested third party, opined that we were not. Oh, wait, then you declared your candidacy to run against me. WTF do you think if we mind?!

I kid, of course. I find 2 candidate debates a little bit stiff and more combative than informative. It hadn’t occurred to me that we might have a few more join in, but I’m glad you and Stelios are along for the ride. I think more Dopers will find a candidate they can identify with and it’ll be more fun for all.

if someone doesn’t have a really good campaign bus then i’m not voting for them.

I have a double decker bus. The graphics are extreme 3D and you don’t even need glasses to see it. Its 4 wheel drive and runs on twin hemi 454’s, but on biofuel, of course (wink wink, Iowans). Has the coldest AC you’d ever want and a hot tub on the roof (no interns allowed).