The Visual Joke Thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m not sure this has been done before, I’ll give it a go.

This thread is to put into words jokes that are visual. You know what I’m talking about… those jokes if you just said the words, it wouldn’t be as nearly as funny as you demonstrating part of the joke.

I have a couple to start with…
You can tell a lot about a person just by watching them eat. For example when a lady eats a banana she only takes nibbles from it, breaks of little pieces of the banana at a time to eat it. A prostitute however will shove the entire banana into her mouth at once; and a newlywed eats a banana like this (one hand simulates holding a banana in front of your face, and the other hand is pushing your head toward the banana).

An old Buddy Hackett joke that is really bad but it cracks me up. It’s the opposite of the previous joke in that the punch line isn’t visual, but the joke itself is.
A man goes to buy a suit from the worlds best suit salesman. The first suit he tries on is way too big. His pants won’t even stay up. The salesman says that it looks good on him and "to keep your pants from falling down just hold your arm against the waist of your pants (simulate this will telling the joke).

“But look at the cuffs; these pants are way too long” the man says.
“Not at all” says the salesman, “Just adjust the length of the pants and hold your knees together.” (Hike up your pants a little bit, and put your knees together, while holding your arm against your waist.)

The man then complains: “but this jacket is way too big.” The suit salesman assures him it looks good, "all you have to do adjust the lapels like this… and hold your other arm here across your chest to keep it looking nice. (Adjust your shirt here, and place your other arm across your chest to hold the jacket lapels in place.)

The guy looks in mirror and agrees to buy the suit. As he’s walking down the street (simulate walking down the street with your knees together, one arm holding the waist of your pants, the other pressing against your chess to keep your jacket looking nice), a elderly couple see the man walk buy and the wife says “Oh, look at the poor retarded* man.” And the husband replies: “Yeah but his suit sure fits great, doesn’t it?”

*OK, Since this was a Buddy Hackett joke, I’m pretty sure he used the word retarded, maybe now that wouldn’t be PC.

2

There’s the guy that goes to a prostitute and wants a BJ but he only has $10 in his wallet.

The woman says, well I wouldn’t usually do this, but I guess for $10 I can do you a penguin BJ.

“A penguin BJ? What the hell’s a penguin BJ?” asks the man.

“You’ll love it. Now let’s get started”

So she undoes his belt and lets his trousers fall to the floor, followed by his underwear. She leans in, opens her mouth wide and… then grabs the $10 and heads for the door.

(Here’s where you have to mime the punchline of the guy waddling with his pants round his ankles) “Come back! I want my penguin!”

3

Did you hear the story of the one-armed fisherman?

He caught a fish this big.
Hold up only one arm to show size.

4

So this husband and wife are approaching their 50th wedding anniversary, and the husband reminds the wife that she promised him that if they were still together after 50 years, she’d give him a blow job.

She wants to do it, but she’s nervous, because she’s never been with another man, and really has no idea what to do. So she asks a friend who’s a little more experienced, and she advises, “Don’t try to make it up as you go along. Get comfortable first - practice on a ketchup bottle.”

So the big night arrives, the husband and wife are in bed and naked, and the wife says, “Ready, honey?” He nods, and she goes:

(Mime holding a ketchup bottle in one hand, and smacking the end of it over and over with the other)

5

I heard/saw this one with a gorilla, but I guess another biggish animal would work just as well.

A woman wakes up groggily one morning and notices this huge bulk in bed with her. Pulling back the covers she sees it’s a gorilla. The gorilla stirs and looks at her. Putting two and two together the woman starts to realize the situation.

Woman: Oh, wow, that was some party last night.
Gorilla nods
Woman: So I brought you home, did I?
Gorilla nods
Woman: And you came to bed with me?
Gorilla nods
Woman: And we had sex?
Gorilla nods
Woman: I must have had too much to drink!
Gorilla nods
Woman; Was I that tight?
Gorilla holds out a paw and does the “so so” wiggle.

6

My favorite from when I was a kid:

The police arrive at the scene of a terrible accident and find an entire family of the dad, mom, and 2 boys all dead. While they were writing the report and trying to figure out what happened, they notice a monkey over in the bushes. One policeman says, “Hey, monkeys are pretty smart. Maybe he saw what happened and can tell us.”

They ask, “Hey, monkey. Did you see what happened?”
shake head up & down
“Okay. What was the dad doing?”
raise hand to mouth and tip head back
“Oh! He was drinking! Well, what was the mom doing?”
open & close mouth rapidly
“So she was talking a lot. What were the kids doing?”
punches in the air
“The kids were fighting? Well what were you doing?”
hands at 10 & 2 on the steering wheel

7

Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?

Because he was hung like this!

(Hold your arms out to the side, as if you were hanging on a cross/demonstrating the size of a huge fish (or penis))

8

For this, you need the audience in a room with, preferably, a double door to the outside or to a hallway. Yes, there are limits to the joke’s usefulness.

How do you masturbate a female dinosaur?

[stand and pretend you’re prying open the lips to a six-foot vagina, step through, reach up with one hand, and with one finger tickle an imaginary G-spot].

Then ask:

How do you masturbate a male dinosaur?

[prop both doors open, stand in hallway out of sight with your arms forming an ‘O’ in front of you, then run past the doors; reverse direction; reverse direction again.]

p.s. Ignore the anatomical incorrectness, that’s not the point.

9

haha I can’t wait to tell this one to my FIL. He’ll love it.

10

How much does Jesus love you? THIS much. same posture as above

11

What’s this?

  • stand up with your arms bent so your hands are near the top of your chest with your fingers outstretched in front of you. Bend up and down in that pose while screaming “gggnnaaaawwwwwwwaaaaa!!!”*

Give up?

It’s a T-Rex trying to masturbate.

12

It’s the scene of a terrible car accident. As other officers are standing off to the side interviewing witnesses, a rookie officer is walking among the carnage, documenting the scene for the accident report.

(Stand as if looking at something, while pretending to write on a notepad. Talk softly as if to yourself, saying aloud what the officer is writing) “White…Ford…Explorer…in…ditch D-I-T-C-H.”

(Walk to another location, then do as above) “Red…Toyota…Camry…in…ditch D-I-T-C-H.”

(Again) “Harley…Davidson…motorcycle…in…ditch D-I-T-C-H .”

(One more time) “Human…head…in…boulevard B-O-L-… B-U-L-… B-E-U-…”

(Look around furtively to make sure no one’s watching. Make a kicking motion.)

“in ditch D-I-T-C-H.”

13

“How does every black joke start?”
“I don’t know, how?”
::look over left shoulder, look over right shoulder::
This one always takes a while for people to get. They’ll sit there waiting for the punchline before they realize you already delivered it. It just goes to show how true the joke is.

“Why do people call a straight line a bee-line? Shouldn’t a bee line be…”

:: walk in a short, straight line, then turn and finish tracing the letter B on the floor ::