Fart Identification is yet another field of study in which the UK seems to be ahead of the United States.
As a direct result of the Great Selfridges Fart Scandal of 1998, details of which are still sub judice, employee legislation has been introduced in order to minimise the incidence of Unattributable Farts.
In addition to the usual drug and alcohol tests, new recruits to Corporate Britain are required to give a Fart Sample on taking up their employment. These samples are kept in a Special Cupboard in the company’s Chemistry Department.
In every open plan office environment, where Farter Identification can be speculative at best, Fart Management Officers are employed to trap Anonymous Flatulence Perpetrators by running around the office holding a Glass Jar.
The Glass Jar, which now contains Evidence of Anal Gas Issue, is taken to the Chemistry Department where various Tests are done using bunsen burners and Flames.
Using sophisticated techniques peculiar to Fart Technology, the contents of the Glass Jar are compared with the samples of each Potential Farter held in the Special Cupboard.
In the harsh business environment which now prevails, there is, of course, Zero Tolerance of farting, and the Newly Identified Farter is summarily dismissed with a Stain on his or her record.
In the view of this correspondent, Anonymous Farting is a practice which should be stamped out forthwith, or sooner if possible, and I fully applaud the initiatives of British Industry in tackling this Unpleasant Problem, which has been crying out for someone to get to the bottom of it, and to examine all the issues which are likely to come out of this bottom.