Of course it’s tacky. Is it even a question?
But as astro points out, it is traditional for some families. My question is this: Is it traditional in your family, or is this something that the cousin just heard about or saw and wants to do?
I think the money dance is incredibly tacky. When I saw it done, not only was it tacky, but it was very awkward as well (the bride was Filipino and it apparently is their tradition; the groom was white Canadian - us white folks didn’t know what the hell to do with this). At our wedding, we had a free bar with a tip jar for anyone who wanted to contribute - being the generous folks they are, they contributed quite a lot (it probably didn’t hurt that everyone knew that Jim had been laid off from his job a month before the wedding).
My cousin got married a few months ago, and he did the thing where people pay to dance with the young bride/groom. I felt it wasn’t tacky at all, because they just had very close friends and family at the wedding, plus it was known to everyone that they were not financialy stable (the groom had just lost his job, very hard to find a new one in Poland.) Everyone looked happy to have a chance to get a private moment to congratulate their half of the couple and to help them out a little, financially. And it was done in a way that didn’t seem like charity.
On the other hand, if I went to a wedding where the B&G were not in need of funding and were doing this, I wouldn’t think it was in good taste. Not stylin’ at all. I would restrict this practice to small, close weddings involving destitute young couples.
Since you said ‘dance’, I thought you might be talking about the traditional one where the bride and groom dance alone for a few slow songs as relatives approach them with dollar bills. They pass the bill to the bride or groom (I forget which), who takes hold of it between their lips (ew) and passes it to their new spouse, who also takes it with their lips, and then drops it to the floor. Usually $1 bills are given, but you can give more if you want. You don’t have to give if you don’t want to, and it’s less obvious and obnoxious than a collection jar.
My understanding is that the exchange is supposed to be symbolic of sharing and prosperity. Or something. It’s not about the money. In the dances I’ve seen, the “profit” is less than $20. More, if you have generous or numerous relatives, sober and otherwise. But no matter how you look at it, it’s not a lot of money.
I don’t know what culture this tradition is from; if it helps, the weddings in question involved my Japanese, Okinawan, Chinese, Hawaiian, and Filipino relatives. And this was in Hawaii.
I saw these dances performed at weddings years ago, when I was a little kid. None of my younger married relatives did this, and generally, I don’t think people do this anymore. I suppose it’s one of those old, odd traditions that kids my age don’t care to continue in their own weddings. I know I won’t.
I’m going to go with “not tacky” if it’s based on the cultural, regional or family traditions of at least one of the participants. If at least one of the groups of family/friends (of either the bride or the groom) is expecting it, I don’t think it’s tacky at all, and it also gives the other family a chance to see something from the background of their new in-laws. If anyone is really opposed to it, they can slink off to the bar and avoid the whole thing.
I’m still not even sure I’d call it tacky, but if the bride and groom have only read about this somewhere, and none of their guests are anticpating it, then I think it becomes a “huh?” moment (and something to be avoided).
Our tradition:
Lasts about ten minutes. Bride and groom both dance, best man and maid of honor collect the cash - and, depending on who your attendants are, may shake down major amounts of cash from your rich uncles for 15 seconds of “dancing.”
Incredibly tacky - but an endearing family tradition. And, believe it or not, it can be a whole bunch of fun as your drunk uncles tell you about when you were three and your distant cousins and family friends tell you what a catch your husband got. And it does serve another purpose - everyone who wants to get in line gets to dance with the bride (a dollar these days is symbollic anyway), so its a strange form of receiving line.
I did it with my first wedding (my second was a less traditional affair) with a “take” of a couple hundred dollars, but refused to do the garter deal. If its being done at a wedding I’m at, I pop into line with $10 or $20 and send the hubby into the other line with the same cash.
This is definitely a cultural thing. Like astro’s ex, I come from a Polish family. At my wedding we did a “Grand March”, which is a variation on the money dance. It’s basically a big conga line that snakes around the room picking up guests from tables. Me and the groom sat up near the front, and as the line reached us the participants went through a human tunnel made by the wedding party, got a kiss from me, a handshake from the groom, a shot of whiskey from my mom, and a cigar from my mother-in-law. At the very end of the table was a basket to drop the money in–most gave singles, but there were a few fives and tens in there too.
I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where there wasn’t a money dance or grand march, so it didn’t really strike me as tacky so much as traditional. Of course no one is obligated to join in, and my (now ex-) husband’s family (hard-core Southern Baptists to our Polish Roman Catholic) seemed to enjoy it most of all. Half of them came through four or five times. I’m tempted to say something unkind about their fondness for whiskey here, but I’ll refrain. 
I can’t remember what our grand total was–somewhere around $2000–but all that money went directly to paying for the open bar and tipping the catering staff. avabeth–while I don’t personally find them tacky, it’s definitely a decision that should be made by the bride and groom, not a secondary planner. After all, they’re the ones who are going to feel uncomfortable doing it when all is said and done.
I’ve never heard of that veil for apron switch before LifeonWry, but it’s definitely an interesting tradition. We did something similar, in that my veil was removed by the mother of the groom, and then my mom pinned a hanky on in its place to symbolize the transition from bride to wife. It really is amazing the variation that you can find in different group’s wedding ceremonies–it seems like one of the final resting places for a lot of our old ethnic superstitions and traditions.
Count me in the “tacky unless it’s a family tradition” camp. I’d heard of it growing up, but never seen it. It seems like in the past 10 years or so, though, it’s been at nearly every wedding I’ve seen–and these are not families that would ever have done it in the past. (I also have problems with parts of the garter business–chiefly, it’s customary, at least here, to play “The Stripper” while the garter is publicly removed from the bride’s leg. I find that pretty trashy, myself.)
If the bride is uncomfortable with it, she shouldn’t have to do it. I’d mention to the cousin that the bride may not be happy with it, and it’s not a family tradition for her. I think some people read all the wedding stuff and think everything they read about is universally practiced, neccesary to a “proper” wedding. And I think your cousin has likely seen it at other weddings and wants this wedding to be the best, funnest, wedding ever–it probably hasn’t occurred to her that any of the things that sound so fun to her might not be welcomed by everyone involved. I’d mention it, politely and gently, as others have already said.
If neither the bride nor the groom want to do it, then it’s highly likely that it’s not a tradition for either of them. And if neither of them wants it, then the cousin needs to back off.
Aw, give the kids a break. It’s tacky, but so is dressing up the bride in 50 yards of tulle and assuming that she is a virgin until the wedding night, and isn’t that garter NAUGHTY!! (snicker leer)
I went to one wedding where they did the money dance, and it was a buck. I paid the buck, danced with the groom (friend of my husband’s) for a couple minutes, very friendly. He didn’t ask, “Is that all I’m worth? A lousy BUCK?! C’mon, I know you’ve got more in your wallet than that!!”
Now, that would’ve been tacky.
So, make a mild statement, and if they still want to do it and you don’t approve, just don’t participate. Not classy, but not a big deal.
I think it’s a tradition on my mom’s side of the family (both my cousins’ weddings I went to did it), but if/when I ever get married, I refuse.
Besides, I do not want to be paid to perform like a trained monkey. It’s my wedding, and the point is celebrating and being happy. I don’t want to be forced to dance with a bunch of people just for money. That’s stupid.
It’s a regional, cultural thing, just like any number of other wedding traditions. I personally find the Northeastern practice of inviting people to only bits and pieces of the wedding to be absolutely appalling, but it’s pretty standard there. Other people find cash bars to be too tacky for words, but it’s traditional in lots of places. Just don’t even get me started on having a man run his hand up your dress in public and throw part of your underwear to a crowd, but it’s a damn widespread tradition. Some people even think the cake and punch in the church hall thing is tacky, but I was an adult before I ever went to any other sort of wedding.
Basically, no matter what you do, someone, somewhere will talk about how tacky you are. You didn’t serve the right stuff, you didn’t say the right vows, you didn’t dress your brideslaves hideously enough, you didn’t do your first kiss right, you wore pantyhose with open-toed shoes. It’s fucking always something.
Personally, I think the only truly tacky thing you can do in wedding planning is to talk about how tacky someone’s plans are.
To me it’s tacky because I’ve never been to a wedding where it’s been done and I had no idea it was a tradition in some families - that’s why I came here - to find out. Now that I know, I probably won’t say anything - I doubt that it’s a tradition in my cousin’s other side of the family or in the bride’s family, but I know it’s not in my large German family. Unless the bride specifically asks me to say something to my cousin, I’ll keep my mouth shut.
Thanks for letting me know about the various traditions. Like I said, I don’t know the history of this, nor the fact that it’s a family tradition in some cultures, so I’m glad I found out.
Ava
Amen! For some reason people think that bringing a wedding gift entitles them to nitpick and comment mercilessly on everything and everyone involved.
i had never seen this until a few months ago at a friend’s wedding. i couldn’t believe it… people were actually pinning money to their clothes as they danced.
yes, it is incredibly tacky. especially becuase most weddings do not include this, and most people are not planning for it (and have already spent a good chunk of money on a gift.)
I don’t think it’s wrong to say that begging your guests for cash is tacky.
I wonder what Miss Manners has to say about the money dance?
dajah, just because it’s not your custom doesn’t make it tacky. There are lots of wedding traditions that other cultures/regions/ethnicities don’t include or aren’t planning for. Most weddings in the world don’t include a chuppah, but that doesn’t make them wrong or tacky. Same thing for cash bars, cake and punch receptions, rose ceremonies, groom’s cakes, etc.
Also, if you make a habit of condemning things just because it’s not the way you and your circle do things, your tenure here will not be a happy one. You wander into the wrong discussion with that attitude and someone will hand you your ass on a plate. It’s just the way things tend to go around here.
Guin, nobody’s begging for anything. It’s usually a way to honor the heritage of either the bride or groom, and people are free to particpate or not, as they wish. I’ve never heard of pressure being put on anyone to particpate, especially in multi-cultural celebrations where some participants might not be used to the idea.
Hell, I’m not even going to condemn the idea of a stag, where apparently people not only pay admission, but buy their own drinks and are pressured to participate in raffles and assorted games of chance to raise money for the happy couple. It seems damn strange to me (especially since many of the folks I’ve seen embracing it are the loudest detractors of the money dance) but they all seem happy with it. To each his own, and all that jazz.
Guin, I’m not saying the money dance isn’t tacky. I do think it’s in poor taste. What I was getting at is that at every wedding I’ve ever been to (even the flawless $200,000 one just last month!), there are always some whiners and nitpickers who gather around, or whisper into everyone’s ear, about what’s wrong with this and that. The food, the cash bar, the music, the dresses, what the mother of the bride is wearing, etc. To these people I say, keep your whinging to yourself. I hope Miss Manners would concur.
Believe me, I will NOT be doing any of the above, and have never done so at any wedding. My concern with the wedding dance was that the bride doesn’t seem thrilled with it, so is it my place to mention something to our cousin, who is also the wedding planner? And yes, personally, I think in our family, it might come across as tacky, but I would never say so to anyone at the wedding and I sure as hell wouldn’t say anything to the bride and groom at the wedding. I haven’t even said anything about it being ‘tacky’ to them when they’ve mentioned it to me - all the bride has said to me is how she’s a little uncomfortable with it.
Believe me, I’m the same girl who made it a point to ask both the bride and groom if they would have a problem if my SO and I got engaged three months before the wedding so that the family will be able to meet him as my fiance at the wedding - and I told them if either of them had a problem with it, we would wait until after the wedding to get engaged. Neither of them had any problem with it - after all, we don’t plan on getting engaged at the wedding or announcing our engagement at the wedding. They were completely fine with it - and I didn’t want to offend them because one of the bride’s cousins (one of my friends from high school) got engaged after they did and scheduled her wedding for two weeks before theirs - after they’d already set a date. I didn’t think they needed anything else to annoy them. It’s not in my heart to do anything to hurt my brother or his fiance on their wedding day or in the planning up to the wedding. I want to day to be as perfect for them as they want it to be.
Ava
I’ve never been to a wedding where there HASN’T been a money dance.
Around here (central Minnesota, lots of Germans and Polocks) the maid of honor/best man collect the dollar bills for the bride/groom.