And I think it is arrogant and rude to hit up one’s wedding guests for money on the spot.
Let me add this – it may well be a tradition in some cultures to bring money in lieu of a gift. That’s perfectly fine.
I have heard too many horror stories about people who have gotten REALLY greedy, wanting expensive presents and expecting their attendants to spend lavish amounts of money on their dresses and whatnot because it’s their WEDDING, for crying out loud! Then they want everything PERFECT, which in the wedding industry usually means EXPENSIVE. They figure they’ll help pay the bills by hitting up the guests, who have already given presents, for cash at the reception.
THAT is what is tacky. Now, if everybody brought money as a gift, the only tacky thing about that would be to open it on the spot and announce who gave what – which I have heard also happens.
Even if it’s a long tradition in your family, if I am at such a wedding, I will be horrified at the sheer tackiness of such an exercise. Call me arrogant if you want, but I wouldn’t stoop THAT low!
My family is of Polish descent, with a little Russian married in up the line. The way it worked in our family (not for me, tho - I eloped) is that towards the end of the reception, the bride’s godmother or a close relative dons an apron. Guests toss a buck or two or more into the apron and take a turn around the dance floor with the bride. This continues till everyone who wants to has had a turn. Then the groom runs on to the dance floor, tosses his wallet into the apron, and carries the bride off to the room where they change into their traveling clothes.
I always understood this was to provide the bride and groom with a little cash to start their lives together. I don’t know how old a tradition it is, but it’s certainly not mandatory that all guests participate. There’s usually an uncle who’s had a bit much to drink who goes back again and again for dances, tossing most of the contents of his billfold into the apron before the dance is over. But I never knew of anyone keeping track or forcing people to participate.
Okaaaaay… everyone nearly agrees this is tacky. When I was helping with the plans for my wedding, my wife told me about the “money dance”. Basically we had guests who pin money to us while we danced. I thought that was extremely tacky but she insisted. Everyone in our guest list seemed to know what to do while I being the groom had no clue.
To make a long story short, our wedding guests numbered about 250 (men, women and kids) and my wife and I netted over 900 bucks in cash and checks, 2 visas and a platinum American express.
Thats some serious moolah to be calling tacky.
Maybe a sensible tradition (give a young broke couple some cash, makes sense) has gotten corrupted into an exercise in greed, at least in the U.S.?
Tacky or not… who cares? It’s their wedding. If they want to have a dollar dance, more power to 'em. It’s not like they’re forcing you to hand over you dollar.
I’ve been to over a dozen weddings in the last 2 years, and all but one has had a dollar dance. In most cases, this was about the only chance I had to get a few seconds to talk to the bride personally and wish her well.
Of course, all of the weddings I’ve attended were essentially just-graduated college students, so it’s not like they’re rolling in money. If the couple already had a sizeable fortune saved up, I might have a slightly different opinion.
Bottom line: If you find it tacky, don’t participate. But don’t dictate to the couple. If you don’t like it, go hang out by the bar for awhile and have a couple of those free drinks they’re providing.
That’s what I’m thinking.
Maybe I’ve read one too many stories about greedy brides and grooms over at Etiquettehell.com, but I still find the whole thing tacky. shrugs
That’s my right.
Also, these “stag” parties are supposed to be EXTREMELY tacky.
My goodness, I’m really stunned at the responses in this thread. I always thought the ladies on this board (of all places) were a fairly sensitive and progressive group of women, and would be fairly open minded and progressive about how different people with various cultural backgrounds chose to celebrate their weddings, however, the majority (not all) what I’m seeing is a sneering pack of shallow and judgmental little princess attitudes dissing other cultural traditions because they are different.
The world spins in a lot of different ways. Just because some traditions are more up front and direct about the subject of money and have different understandings and expectations about appropriate wedding behavior does not mean they are “vulgar” or “tacky”. They are just different.
Sounds terribly tacky to me.
Therefore, in my opinion, it would fit right in with the rest of the wedding ritual 
::running and ducking::
Actually, I had exactly the same thought.
Receptions ARE tacky - at least in certain parts of the country and among certain cultures.
I’ve been to very elegant receptions where a money dance would have been TACKY!!! I’ve been to very elegant receptions where polkas are tacky. And then there is the big Minnesota German small town reception in the VFW hall with a keg, cake, coffee and the ham cooked by the church ladies - and at least one guest in overalls straight from the farm (but with his good flannel shirt on underneath it). There is a huge difference between a New Jersey reception in a country club with a five course dinner and orchestra and a Minnesota German farm wedding. A dollar dance would be extremely tacky at the first. Not having a dollar dance would disappoint the guests at the second (at least in the German farm communities I’m from) and therefore be as much of a breach of ettiquitte.
I’ve been to a Luau wedding with a pig roast and bonfire. No dance at all, so their was no chance for a tacky money dance. I’ve been to (I’ve admitted this here before and it pains me) Star Trek weddings. The strangest wedding I ever went to was when my husband’s best friend (who is “old” money) married his from-the-trailer-park wife in a Pagan ceremony where clothing was optional. And I’ve been to a Buddhist wedding.
It IS tacky to shake your guests down for cash and gifts. But a dollar is a token amount and there is no requirement that guests participate. It is tacky to force your guests to participate.
I’m surprised none of you has mentioned the money tree. The idea is similar - a way to give the newlyweds a little spending money but it seems a little more subtle than a dance. It’s just a tree branch, usually spray painted white on a table in a corner at the reception. There are ribbons or twist ties at the ends of the branches so guests can tie cash gifts to the tree. Some people fold the bills into fans so they look pretty and others just scrunch them up. I have never been to a weddng where there was a money dance, and not every wedding I’ve been to had a tree.
I don’t mind participating in something like that. What I do think is tacky is the notion you hear these days that the value of the gift you give must corespond directly to how much it cost the couple to have you at their wedding. Uggh!. Even tackier than that is austen’s friend calling looking for her gift. Made me mad just to read it.
My mom is the money tree QUEEN.
(Actually, last time, she couldn’t find a suitable item to constitute a “tree” and so she bought one of those dragonflies that you put in your garden, made out of copper wire and huge marbles–similar to this one–and tied the bills onto it with little ribbons.)
But she always takes up the collection herself ahead of time, and then makes the tree herself (including a card with the names of the contributors). There’s not an option for people to show up at the party (for a birthday, wedding, anniversary) and tie their own money on. She’s way too much of a control freak for that, and besides–I think it makes it seem more like a pre-planned gift from a group of people, and less like a collection box that way, which may be why she does it all herself.
So much for being sensitive to other people’s traditions. :rolleyes:
No one is being hit up or strong armed into giving money. It’s just an old tradition. You do not have to, nor are expected to participate.
I have DJed countless weddings and can say that most of what happens at a reception is just plain tacky. Having run more dollar dances than any of you have seen, my observation is that:
- No one really seems to mind
- Most people only expect a buck, but certain family members give more.
- No one is put on the spot to participate (AKA hi opal)
- The majority of the totals I’ve seen were less than $100!
- It really can be very entertaining for the guests (except the ones sitting in the corner with their arms crossed, refusing to give up a dollar because they already bought the couple a fondue set).
Come on, get over it! If they made you give money, then I’m all for the tacky and rude comments. Otherwise, chalk it up to witnessing how other people do things.
It is common enough that every DJ I know puts it on their wedding planner form.
I’ve snipped some stuff from the original post in an effort to clarify the issue just a little. ** If the bride does NOT want this at her wedding, and someone browbeats her into doing it, then YES it is tacky.** From what I gatered in your original post, you seem to be asking for advice on whether or not to approach your cousin about the dance. I would first ask the bride if she feels comfortable with the money dance. If she is,then that’s that. If she says ‘No, I’m not really’, then by all means help her find a way to exclude it from the festivities. Your cousin may be the planner, but it’s not HER wedding.
I’ve seen the money dance at some, and not at others. I do tend to agree that it’s a cultural thing that is probably not tacky in of itself, but having someone make you do it when you are not comfortable with it on a day that is supposed to be one of the most special in your life? That’s really tacky of them.
My mom’s family always had dollars dances (literally).
What people fail to mention (or maybe its just my family?) is that the groom gets the brunt of it.
Everyone is nice to the bride, pinning the dollars nicely on her veil.
the groom however…
first off, let me tell you that after mom has her dance, his aunts usually follow…
and then come the comedians: the uncles.
usually the band starts to play very romantic music and the uncles dip the groom, etc.
It’s really pretty funny.
Thank you! Out of seventy-some posts, someone FINALLY answered the question I was looking for!
Everyone answered my tacky question, but nothing about whether or not it was my place to talk to my cousin. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I’ll talk to the bride. This is NOT a tradition in our family or hers, which is why I think she’s a little uncomfortable with it. I’ll ask her how she feels about it, and if necessary, I’ll talk to my cousin.
Thanks. (And I still appreciate all of the answers letting me know that this is a tradition in some families, I was just also trying to figure out whether or not to get involved.).
Ava
I’d encourage the bride to get clear on her feelings and express them to your cousin. Or, if she’s uncomfortable with that, at least ask her permission to take the issue to your cousin. Then I’d encourage your cousin to be sensitive to the bride’s feelings, because you’re picking up a “no money dance” vibe from her.
It doesn’t matter if it’s tacky or not. What matters is that the bride have a reasonable amount of say in the planning process. (If it were a rock hard family custom, and the bride were cool on it, I would probably counsel to keep it in. Guests do come first. But since the guests won’t notice or care, the couple gets priority.)