Every now and then, in the middle of an ordinary but somewhat frustrating day, something wonderful happens. Today was one of those days with wonderful stuck right in the middle of the afternoon, much to my delight.
You see, I have a certain coworker who manages to get on my nerves on a regular basis, partly because he always yells at the top of his lungs, but mostly because he’s just one of those people who have the dubious gift of being blissfully unaware of their own rudeness. He does this without any effort at all - although there are some days where I think he really TRIES to do so. Today he was trying with a fair amount of success.
By lunchtime I was at my wit’s end with trying to say calm and unruffled in the face of his constant interruptions. I decided to deal with the mounting frustration by going out for lunch - breaking the diet and getting fast food as a treat for not losing my temper at him. Mmmm, so good!
Unfortunately my body has adjusted to the healthy food and I apparently cannot handle burgers anymore. That’s right - developed a bad case of fartitis. Aw geez, this is NOT good, I still have 4 hours to get through before I can get away from people, and these things are positively rancid! How am I gonna hide this? I did my best though, running to the bathroom every time I felt the winds begin to blow.
I managed fairly well until Mr Annoying came along one more time and demanded I stop what I was doing (which was getting up to get to the bathroom) to look up some material ordered and see when the delivery was expected. He walked off after giving his orders but it was too late - I couldn’t get to the bathroom this time. I had to let it rip. Thankfully it was one of those silent but deadly kinds so no one heard a thing, and my oh-so-comfy cushioned chair simply absorbed the stink-muffin. I grabbed some papers and got up quickly to leave the room - I knew the chair wouldn’t be able to hold the smell forever.
Just as I reached the hallway Mr Annoying came back to demand answers. I was standing next to a couple of the sales reps as he came up and I said that I hadn’t got to it yet but would as soon as I finished my previous task. Mr Annoying harrumphed loudly and turned, heading straight into my office and up to my desk. “I’LL JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE UNTIL YOU’RE READY TO ACTUALLY DO SOME WORK!” he announced loudly as he plopped himself into my cushioned - and loaded - chair.
I watched with great satisfaction as the smirk on his face was instantly replaced with a look of absolute horror. His eyes opened wide and his whole face sorta twisted with revulsion as my faithful chair released its payload, wafting the heavy scent of digested cheeseburger around him on all sides. I said very calmly, “Whatsa matter? You look like you just dropped a turd in your pants or something.” Mr Annoyance got up and started retching, then ran for the door yelling “OH GOD IT STINKS! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? OH MY GOD!” That of course gave me a perfect opportunity to lay the blame on Mr Annoyance for the stink in my office, and more than one person truly thought he had filled his pants.
Ahh, revenge can be so sweet. 