Ls, my friend, I feel your pain. The patrons of this board, and the corresponding AFCA group, are some of the most verbally-endowed people I’ve met online, with a definite flair for witty sarcasm and clever writing. Needless to say, it makes me jealous. I guess it’s only fitting, I mean, look at the name of the board and to whom it’s dedicated–what I’d give to be able to produce writings of Cecil’s calibre on a routine basis. I’m not even the smartest person in my immediate family-- I have to live vicariously through li’l sis the chem major. Sucks for someone who knows he has few redeeming qualities beyond a hefty vocab and has spent so much of his life thinking that would get him somewhere.
Having said all that in my typically sprawling and inscrutable prose, I’ll also say that I too know what you mean about being lonely. I like message boards because I can express my mind and share thoughts with likeminded souls, without stumbling over simple words, toying with my hair nervously, worrying about knocking over my beer on the bar, and all sorts of other “Hi, I have a social phobia!” calling cards. I dropped numerous classes in college upon finding out that one of the requirements was giving a 10-15 minute oral presentation. I can’t stand the pressure of speaking before a group of kids, even if there’s only 30 of them. Never finished school, and probably never will, knowing I’ll probably have to defend a thesis that I know I’m not capable of writing in the first place. When I’m online, I can only be judged by my words, not my physical eccentricities or (mostly perceived, I think) shortcomings in the appearance department. If I’m reviled for what I say, I can live with it. It’s harder to make that concession in real life, face-to-face situations. So yeah, I guess I’m incredibly lonely. I have a very small circle of friends, all but three of whom I met thru one person. I haven’t made a new friend in close to 8 years-- it’s all people I knew in high school.
The thing is, while this depresses me, I can’t say that I’m truly depressed in the clinical or any other sense. I get by just sitting around on the computer, reading books, talking walks, etc. I’m pretty much living inside my own head, and have been for at least two or three years now. Each day I wake up, I keep myself entertained, I do things I enjoy, and take pride in what I do either intellectually or artistically or whatever. Without music, I’m sure you’d have read about me on the evening news by now. I dunno. Loneliness can be hell if you want to make it out to be. While I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to meeting new people and overcoming my little social inhibitions, I feel cautiously optimistic that it’s not necessary for my sanity. We’ll see, though. Maybe in 20 years, if the lung cancer hasn’t set in yet, I’ll have turned into that crusty ex-steel mill worker that only leaves his stinky little apartment to buy more Schlitz.
Eek, sorry to make you read through all that, for those that actually did. Just felt I had to get a little something out of my head and onto “paper.”
