The WORST Biblical passages for a "special" occasion?

…Inspired by a certain episode of Family Guy (“And the lord sayeth, 'check, check, 1-2-3…Fred, I’m still getting feedback here.”), I was left wondering…what would be the worst possible Biblical passage to read for a “special” occasion? (Like a funeral, a memorial service, a wedding, etc.)

Now, I’m no christian (heck, that’s probably why I’m interested in this particular subject), but I’d say that Revelations 6:8 seems to fit the bill pretty well. Or possibly whichever account of Jesus’ crucifixion that gives his last words as, “Oh god! Oh god! Why hath thou forsaken me!?”

So…any other suggestions?

Dueteronomy 23

I can’t cite…but it’s the old testament verse that says the brother must go lay down with his dead brother’s wife to continue thebloodline.

Brought up at the funeral, it might raise a suspicion of guilt.

1 Samuel 6:4-6 would be, um, arresting.

Okay, I think I just found a sig line.

“Five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice”

Psalm 137:9: Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

At a child dedication…

The setting: the happy couple is at the altar, and the moment for a timely and endearing reading has come. All are expectant and eager for this heartwarming moment.

You stand up at the front, and reverently read the following:

Amos 7:17 -
Therefore thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword, and thy land shall be divided by line; and thou shalt die in a polluted land: and Israel shall surely go into captivity forth of his land.

As if that weren’t enough, you make your way back to your seat, softly humming ‘Bang a Gong’ amidst the choking silence of the awestricken guests.

Jeremiah 25:27
“Drink and get drunk and puke and fall that you may not get up.” Try that one at a funeral reception.

To commemorate this union, I would like to read an appropriate verse for the Good Book:

“Jesus wept…Thank You”

Numbers 22:21- 27.

Well, I think it’s funny, anyway.

This one is actually quite useful at a wedding:

I mean, you never know what might happen at the reception.

And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and hanged himself.

Go thou and do likewise.

What thou doest, do quickly. :wink:

1Kings 14:10-11:

Sounds like the secret Gospel According To Beavis and Butt-head…

This was in the original version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” That’s why you have to stretch out “five golden rings” for so long; it just doesn’t scan any more.

Ezekiel 23:20: “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”

For, say, a wedding.

Genesis 6:1-2,4
When people began being numerous on earth, and daughters had been born to them, the sons of God, looking at the women, saw how beautiful they were…

…and married as many of them as they chose. In those days, and even afterward, giants lived on the earth, for whenever the sons of God had intercourse with human women, they gave birth to children who became the heroes mentioned in legends of old.
Genesis 19:5-8

They called to Lot, and said to him, ‘Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may have sex with them.’ Lot went out the door, and shut the door behind him. He said, ‘Please, my brothers, do not be evil.’ ‘Look, I have two virgin daughters. Please let me bring them out to you. You may do whatever you please to them, just do not do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.’

Genesis 19:30-36

Lot went up out of Zoar, and lived in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he was afraid to live in Zoar. He lived in a cave with his two daughters. The firstborn said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in to us after the manner of all the earth. Come, let’s make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve our father’s seed.” They made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father. He didn’t know when she lay down, nor when she arose. It came to pass on the next day, that the firstborn said to the younger, “Behold, I lay last night with my father. Let us make him drink wine again, tonight. You go in, and lie with him, that we may preserve our father’s seed.” They made their father drink wine that night also. The younger arose, and lay with him. He didn’t know when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus both of Lot’s daughters were with child by their father.
Leviticus 20:

20:1 Yahweh spoke to Moses, saying,
20:2 "Moreover, you shall tell the children of Israel, 'Anyone of the children of Israel, or of the strangers who live as foreigners in Israel, who gives any of his seed to Molech; he shall surely be put to death. The people of the land shall stone him with stones.
20:3 I also will set my face against that person, and will cut him off from among his people because he has given of his seed to Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my holy name.
20:4 If the people of the land all hide their eyes from that person, when he gives of his seed to Molech, and don’t put him to death;
20:5 then I will set my face against that man, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all who play the prostitute after him, to play the prostitute with Molech, from among their people.
20:6 "'The person that turns to those who are mediums, and to the wizards, to play the prostitute after them, I will even set my face against that person, and will cut him off from among his people.
20:7 "'Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be holy; for I am Yahweh your God.
20:8 You shall keep my statutes, and do them. I am Yahweh who sanctifies you.
20:9 "'For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death: he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
20:10 "'The man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, even he who commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
20:11 The man who lies with his father’s wife has uncovered his father’s nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
20:12 "'If a man lies with his daughter-in-law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have committed a perversion; their blood shall be upon them.
20:13 If a man lies with a male, as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
20:14 "'If a man takes a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burned with fire, both he and they; that there may be no wickedness among you.
20:15 "'If a man lies with an animal, he shall surely be put to death; and you shall kill the animal.
20:16 "'If a woman approaches any animal, and lies down with it, you shall kill the woman, and the animal: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
20:17 "'If a man takes his sister, his father’s daughter, or his mother’s daughter, and sees her nakedness, and she sees his nakedness; it is a shameful thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of the children of their people: he has uncovered his sister’s nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.
20:18 "'If a man lies with a woman having her monthly period, and uncovers her nakedness; he has made naked her fountain, and she has uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.
20:19 "'You shall not uncover the nakedness of your mother’s sister, nor of your father’s sister; for he has made naked his close relative: they shall bear their iniquity.
20:20 If a man lies with his uncle’s wife, he has uncovered his uncle’s nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.
20:21 "'If a man takes his brother’s wife, it is an impurity: he has uncovered his brother’s nakedness; they shall be childless.

Oh, the Genesis story about the people who wanted to rape Lot’s friends repeats itself “ominously” in Judges, but in this version it actually happens with a deadly result, and also the dead body is butchered into pieces in the end, this done not by the perpetrators but by the victim’s lover:

Judges 19:22-29

19:22 As they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain base fellows, beset the house round about, beating at the door; and they spoke to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man who came into your house, that we may know him. The man, the master of the house, went out to them, and said to them, No, my brothers, please don’t act so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into my house, don’t do this folly. Behold, here is my daughter a virgin, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble you them, and do with them what seems good to you: but to this man don’t do any such folly. But the men wouldn’t listen to him: so the man laid hold on his concubine, and brought her forth to them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man’s house where her lord was, until it was light. Her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way; and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, Up, and let us be going; but none answered: then he took her up on the donkey; and the man rose up, and got him to his place. When he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, limb by limb, into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout all the borders of Israel.

Well, just to prove there is a Simpsons quote for EVERYTHING:

Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I’d like you to remember Matthew 7:26. A foolish man who who built his house on sand.'' Homer: And <you> remember... Matthew ... 21:17! Rev. Lovejoy: And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there’’?
Homer: Yeah… [regains his nerve] Think about it!

Maybe Judges 3.31. “After him [Ehud, mentioned previously, which also wouldn’t be all that great a story to tell at a special occasion but I think is hilarious] came Shamgar son of Anath, who killed six hundred of the Philistines with an oxgoad. He too delivered Israel.” Geeze, the guy delivers all of Israel and he gets one lousy sentence.

1st Maccabees 2.45-46. “And Mattathias and his friends went around and tore down the altars; they forcibly circumcised all the uncircumcised boys that they found within the borders of Israel.”

Ecclesiastes 3.1-8. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, that’s the worst song for a wedding reception.

With their own hands compassionate women have cooked their own children, who became their food when my people were destroyed. – Lamentations 4:10

If nothing else, it’d make for a killer grace prior to Thanksgiving turkey.

Song of Solomon 5:4 My beloved put in his hand by the hole [of the door], and my bowels were moved for him.

Another fun passage for weddings.