Oddly enough, mine comes from the movie you got your screen name from.
James Bond points the rifle at the guys groin and says, “Speak now or forever hold your piece.”
Roger Moore lists that as his single favorite line of Bond dialouge.
The standard road trip comment in my family when nearing a rest area is “Speak now, or forever hold your pee.”
Oh, man, do I know a guy like that. Worst of all, whenever one of his incredibly excruciating comments brings all conversation to a stop, he’ll say loudly “Don’t you just hate puns?!?” and laugh nervously as he stares off into space. He never seems to learn his lesson though.
The name of Dad’s ranch is:
The Focus; where the sons raise meat.
I saw a guy today with a shirt that said, “PAC Man!” and below it had a graphic of the video game 3/4 circle about to eat:
I-IV-I[sup]6[/sup][sub]4[/sub]-V[sup]7[/sup]-I
Only here…
(It’s a musician thing, you wouldn’t understand…it took me a few minutes too…)
A fool and his joke are soon started… but nevertheless:
Better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
Columbine Revisited: The algebra, geometry and trigonometry teachers were found to have compasses, protractors, and slide rules – they were arrested for having weapons of maths instruction.
Two strings walked into a restaurant. The maitre d’ sniffed and said haughtily, “We don’t serve strings here.”
One string gave up and went home. The other doubled himself over to make a loop, pulled one end through, and raveled both ends. Then he went back into the restaurant. “Hey,” said the maitre d’, “aren’t you one of those strings I just threw out of here?”
“No,” said the string. “I’m a frayed knot.”
runs away
The one about transporting gulls across staid lions for… what, immortal porpoises? That one was the most stupid pun I’ve ever heard. It didn’t just make me want to groan, it made me want to decapitate myself with a pair of rusty knitting needles…
This thread is better suited for In My Humble Opinion. I’ll move it for you.
Cajun Man ~ SDMB Moderator
One of the earlier “Arnie” movies - he’s dealing with a bad guy - says to the guy, “Did you ever want to be a farmer?” -“Why?” [Arnie hits him in the nuts] “Here’s a couple of acres” (say it out loud)
Years ago, a friend of mine loved to make puns. Of course, he was the only one laughing at them.
On one occasion, Rob was on a roll, dishing pun after pun, so I told him I thought he was a pain. He replied, “Yes, but I’m acute pain. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Another time, we were wandering through a record store and I pointed to a new album (this was the 80s and we still had vinyl in stores) and said, “Hey, there’s the new album by Pebbles. She’s really hot.” He answered, “I guess that’s rock music. (snicker) I bet she’s always stoned. Bwa-ha-ha!”
Needless to say, he got a punch in the arm on both occasions.
Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
That’s only funny in comparison with other music theory jokes, especailly now that the Texas Institute of Theory site is gone. (If anyone cares, PAC = Perfect Authentic Cadence.)
Here’s one of my own:
In late 19th-century New England, three Polish immigrants, the Wieszkowski Brothers, started a fish cannery business. As they knew they’d never sell anything under the name “Wieszkowski”, they decided to simplify things by simply calling it the Brother Can Company.
Business was good for a while, but eventually other fish canneries sprang up, and the brothers were having difficulty making their product stand out amongst their competitors. One day, one of the brothers had the bright idea of establishing a brand identity through a memorable logo. All the other competitors were already putting pictures of fish on their cans, so the brothers decided to try something radical and use something diametrically opposed to fish as an attention-grabber: a cute cartoon drawing of two fluffy white sheep.
This approach of using an opposing image to attract attention succeeded beyond their wildest dreams, and soon it was being copied across the country. In fact, it became so well known that the story and the principle behind it are now a standard part of advertising textbooks everywhere, and is known as…
…wait for it…
…the Brother Can Ewes Paradigm.
Okay, that was a lot of work for that line. So sue me.
Back in the days of the Revolutionary War, patriots here in Massachusetts would meet in secret to plot their rebellion, and they lived in constant fear of being discovered by those still loyal to the crown.
Stationing human lookouts outside their meeting palces was deemed to risky, since it would be a dead giveaway, and even guard dogs were considered too dangerous. So the patriots hit upon the idea of putting barnyard fowl outside their meeting palces, since they tended to squawk loudly whenever anybody came near and there was nothing suspicious about a farm animal wandering the streets of Boston back then.
This plan worked like a charm, and on a number of occasions the revolution was literally saved when a hen would start squawking during a secret meeting and the patriots were able to quickly leap outside and capture the loyalist spy.
To commemorate this occurrence, the Massachusetts townfolk created a new dish, which you may have heard of: Chicken Catch a Tory.
Barry
Well, this isn’t strictly a pun, but…
There was a physics professor who liked to give demonstrations for hit students, to aid them in the learning process. One day, he decided to spruce up his lecture on angular momentum by sitting on a stool and quickly rotating. He was able to demonstrate conservation of angular momentum with the well-known trick of pulling your arms in to rotate faster. Unfortunately, the professor lost his balance during the demonstration, and tumbled into the front row of students.
He then stood up, brushed himself off, and apologized to the class for going off on a tangent.
:smack: “hit students” = “his students”
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
Barry
My favorite pun is a very long one:
A guy is desperate for a job and hears they are hiring school bus driviers. He does and says he’ll take the job. The supervisor tells him he only has to make three stops to pick up four students. He thinks that’s pretty easy. The supervisor tells him to take the bus with the paintings of Sesame Street charcters on it.
He makes the first stop. Two really fat girls giet on. The first on says “My name’s Patty.” The second one says “My name’s Patty too.”
At the second stop, a very strange looking boy gets on and says “My name is Ross and I’m so special everyone calls Me Special Ross.”
At the third stop, a little rapper-type boy gets on and says “Yo man, my name is Lester G.” The bus driver goes on and suddenly smells something very bad. He looks in the rear view mirror and sees Lester has taken his shoe off and is picked at two huge bunions on his foot.
He drives like a maniac to the school, lets the children out, then drives back to the garage and screams “I QUIT.” The supervisor asks him “What’s wrong?”
"What’s wrong? What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You got me driving “two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”
If you don’t get it, think McDonald’s.
This guy develops a bad affliction - every time he passes gas, it sounds like “Honda”. Well, we goes from doctor to doctor but nobody can figure out what is wrong. Finally, a friend tells him to go to his dentist. He figured it can’t hurt to try. After meeting the dentist, he explains the problem. The dentist tells him to sit down and open his mouth. After a few seconds of looking the dentist does a little work and the guy is fine. He asks the dentist what was wrong and the dentist told him he had an abcess. The man was confused but then the dentist said…
“Everybody knows that abcess makes the fart go Honda.”
(Bad bad painful pun of badness. Not even that funny really.)
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.