Back in Iraq (see, I’m making this relevant to world events) several millenia ago (ok, maybe not), a man was caught spying on the Babylonians and was sentenced to death at sunrise the next day. During the night, he managed to escape and ran off through the countryside, finally hiding out in a ziggaurat, one of the earthen temples of the time.
But the night was cold, my friends, and the spy decided to make a fire to get warm. A general, who was leading the search for the escaped spy, happened past at that exact moment, and he saw as the smoke began to rise from the ziggaurat in the midnight air. Being that most Babylonians were fast asleep by midnight, he correctly deduced that the spy was hiding there, and under his orders, his men apprehended the spy and excecuted him on the spot!
So, history buffs, let this be a lesson to you: WARNING: The searchin’ general has determined that smoking ziggaurats can be hazardous to your stealth!
After Quasimodo died, the priest at Notre Dame Cathedral advertised for a new bell ringer. After he had interviewed several applicants, a man with no arms applied for the job. The priest asked how he could possibly ring the bell with no arms. “Let me show you,” answered the man.
They climbed the stairs to the belfry. The man got a running start and smashed the bell with his face. The sound of the bell was so beautiful that the priest was amazed. Now slightly dizzy, the applicant stepped back for another run, but he missed the bell and went flying out the window to the ground below.
The priest quickly ran down the stairs to find that a crowd had gathered around the body of the armless man. A police officer asked the priest, “Who is this man?”
The priest answered…
[wait for it]
“I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
Several days later, another man with no arms came to apply for the job. He said, “My brother died here last week, and I would like to apply for the job to carry on his memory.” The priest agreed to let him try, but alas, he also missed the bell and went sailing out the window. Again, the police officer asked for the man’s name, and the priest said,
[here it comes]
“I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
And godzillatemple, your Chicken Catch a Tory is outstanding, too!
Now, here’s one of mine:
A woman made a fortune investing in real estate. She bought houses, fixed them up, gave them imaginative names and sold them. When asked why several of her houses, named Wendell, remained unsold, she replied that, while she would sell every other property, she intended to keep all of her Wendell homes.
Just found a bunch more.
1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m
sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other
stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for
the man who shot my paw.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But
why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he
said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal.” ha -ha.-
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade”
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him …what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s
good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Worst pun? In the world of puns, I always thought the worst was the best!
My faves? Here’s just a few:
Have you heard the story about the African king who had an immense two-story palace built entirely out of grass? This king loved to collect thrones. He built a beautiful throne room on the second floor of his grass palace, where he kept his many different royal seats. One day, after installing a particualrly heavy throne in his throne room, the entire palace collapsed. Which just goes to show you: People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Have you heard about the boy who liked to throw rocks at the birds on the beach? His goal was to leave no tern unstoned.
And finally, I hark back to an early-70s edition of Boy’s Life, to which I owe much of my sense of humor. When I was 8, I thought this next one was the funniest joke in the world:
Whether or not a bird can fly is a matter of a pinion.
Back in high school, the principal suspended the entire Chess Club for posting self-congratulatory banners up in the entryway to the school. If there was one thing that man couldn’t stand, it was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer…
Spanish composer Manuel de Falla once had a Scottish neighbor named Mac Alister. De Falla and Mac Alister were often seen in a local cantina, drinking copious amounts of wine and carousing with the serving girls. This irked Señora de Falla greatly, and every time the Maestro returned from one of his escapades she would scream at him and demand his promise that he never do it again.
One evening the composer was particularly late. The Señora charged into the cantina, prepared to do battle, but her husband was not there. She went to Mac Alister’s house and pounded on the front door. Mac Alister came to the door, puzzled at the noisy intrusion.
“All right, Mac,” screamed the enraged woman, “where’s de Falla?”
**I have a long one ** and I was completely had by the person who told me this.
A large barrel chested mountain of a man driving a Ford Econoline Van pulls into the gas station to fill up.
A very small woman pulls up before his car, cutting off his van and gets out to begin screaming at this man for cutting her off back at the last light.
The man apologizes, though he does not recall cutting her off and it was purely unintentional.
The tiny woman just explodes on him, yelling herself into quite a fury while the big man never loses his cool and keeps apologizing, citing no damage was done to any car, etc.
Without warning, the woman reaches over and yanks off the van’s antenna and just starts flaying and whipping this man twice her size.
The cops are called in and by the time they get there, the man is on the ground in a heap. The woman is arrested.
The man is taken to the hospital where he is pronounced dead.
Jonathan Henry was the most successful car dealer in the state. His reputation among salesmen as a “closer” was known far and wide. It was said of him that whenever a prospect sat across the table from him, the prospect could not leave without buying a car, usually with every extra that was available.
Jonathan was so excessively proud of his reputation that he affected a regal manner and spoke of himself in the third person. After he retired, a lesser car salesman asked him how he had been so successful in such a tough business. “Oh, that’s easy,” he replied . . .
Of course, there was the German counter-strike against the British World’s Funniest Joke: two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted. peanut.
