Mike: I know what you’re thinking, baby, but if I told you, you’d think I was talking about centimeters.
Vyv: God, I hate being ill. Even SPG’s all covered in snot.
SPG: Too true, too true.
Rik: (leaves bathroom, sees Neil sitting outside) You’ve been sitting there, listening this whole time, haven’t you. You’re going to spill the beans to Mike and Vyv aren’t you?
Neil: Oh, no! What do you know about the beans?!?
Rik: What are you talking about, Neil?
Neil: Noth-ing. No beans.
(Viv, in reference to Rick): “He spells it with a silent P.”
Man, that show rocked! It’s been years since I’ve seen it, yet I still find myself saying, “Open uuup, it’s the piiigs!” at random. I also frequently say, “This, I did not expect” which is a Mike quote.
That show’s also the first place I ever saw the band Motorhead. I’ll never forget them singing Ace of Spades in the lads’ living room.
---- excerpt from ‘Bored’ ----
VYVYAN: I’ve finished the new car competition. I’m gonna win a Ford Tippex any minute.
[RICK enters, stuffing his shirt into his pants. He sits down.]
VYVYAN: It’s quite easy really. All you gotta do is match up six pictures of famous noses with six pictures of famous bogies.
[The only reaction to this is Rick examining his own eye jam.]
VYVYAN: Thought that’d shock you. Well, it’s not true, because then, then you gotta say in ten words “what cornflakes mean to you”. So I put: “Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes… cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes.”
RICK: Pathetic. You’ll never win, Vyvyan.
VYVYAN: Why not?
RICK: It’s only nine words.
VYVYAN: Oh yeah. “Cornflakes.”
---- excerpt from ‘Bambi’ ----
[SCENE: Lobby of a television studio. A Security Guard stands at the desk. The guys walk in.]
MIKE: See, told you so! [They start walking past the guard] Evening, Officer, University Challenge, Scumbag College.
GUARD: Hang on… [he checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
NEIL: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
MIKE: Didn’t you get our message? Neil, why didn’t you phone our message?
GUARD: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes…“Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don’t deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear.”
NEIL: Yeah, that’s the message, didn’t you get it?
GUARD: Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyv attempts to enter the studio with a pig] Hang on, what’s that?
VYVYAN: It’s my mascot!
GUARD: A pig?
VYVYAN: No!
GUARD: It is.
VYVYAN: It’s not, it’s a ferret. A deformed ferret, I’ll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
GUARD: Looks exactly like a pig.
VYVYAN: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
GUARD: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn’t it?
VYVYAN: Ha! And that’s where I had you fooled. Because it’s not a ferret, it’s a pig.
MIKE: Well done, Vyv, you’ve certainly got him there.
RICK: Had you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?
[Rick gives him the 2-finger salute]
DarkRabbit
“Well, you’ve come to the wrong place, I’m afraid. I don’t believe in God.”
“How d’you know his name then, smartarse?”
“That’s my potion I’ve invented, that when you drink it, you turn into an axe-wielding homicidal maniacs. It’s basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homocidal maniac. I put it in a Coke can so nobody’d get confused and drink it by accident.”
“You know, I just bet a bit later on somebody does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac.”
“Yes, I bet that as well! It’s just the sort of crazy unpredictable thing that happens around here, isn’t it? I said, isn’t it?”
“Rik, we heard what you said.”
“Mike, can you actually kill yourself with laxatives?”
“Well, I’m not paying. If British Rail wants fifty quid they can just about ruddy well go out and become a prostitute. Which they virtually are already - right commuters?”
“Oh, come on, it’s only Neil, for Cliff’s sake!”
“This is the totally unbiased and completely impartial BBC, broadcasting on behalf on the Conservative Party…”
"Shirley? Is that your name? Shirley?
“I’m being hassled on the street by a chick!”
“SHUT UP YOU BASTARDS!”
R: “If I’m a virgin, how come I know what a girl’s bottom looks like?”
V: “By looking in the mirror!”
VYV: “Did I say I wanted to kiss you on the bottom? What I meant to say was: I WANT TO PUT A PICK-AXE THROUGH YOUR SPINAL COLUMN!”
NEIL: “Rick, you bloody liar! You said you done it to h… He said he done it to you!”
HM: “Helen. It sounds like the sort of name you’d give to someone who’s been to hell and back. Still, at least my surname isn’t “Back” [snip] My surname’s Mucous.”
Vyvyan: “Rik, will you tell your conscience to keep its voice down?!?”
Viv Say Mike why didn’t that blow up.
Rick I WILL NOT BE CONFUSED WITH CROCKERY!!!
§Rick Oh look a telescope. A telescope with a little mouse in it.
Neil I’ve tried crucifixion as a method of suicide but there’s just no way to get that last nail in.
I won’t mention that I already started a thread about the Young Ones because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
Anyway,
Neil: “My grandfather built that guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his deathbed!”
Rik: "We're only here on time because you kept me awake all night! Pacing up and down and ringing bells!"
Neil: "Listen, man, sleep gives you cancer, everyone knows that!"
Bartender: “Hallo Vyvyan!”
Vyv: “Oh. Hallo, Mum.”
Bartender/Mum: “What are you doing here? I didn’t know you lived in London!”
Vyv: “Yeh…yeh…'Ow’s Dad?”
Bartender/Mum: “Oh honestly Vyvyan, I do wish you wouldn’t ask me that! You know I’ve absolutely no idea who he is!”
Rik: "Both my parents are dead!"
Neil: "You think that's bad."
Rik: "Well yes I do actually Neil what's it to you piss face!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike: "And I'm never going back! You hear me?"
Rik: "What?"
Mike: "I said I'm never going back!"The Bambi episode was probably my favorite, because of guest appearances from Motorhead, and from Emma Thompson, Hugh Laurie, and Steven Fry in the University Challenge scene. I think Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones might have been in it too.
Rik: “World’s worst bottom burp…Vyvyan! Bwitain!”
Neil: “It says Rik here”
“Rah rah rah! We’re going to smash the oiks!”
“How about it, Bambi; you going to let us win?”
“No, of course not; the posh kids win; they always do.”
I heard that during the quiz show that “University Challenge” is based on, or some quiz show, anyway, someone really said, “Toxteth O’Grady, USA” when s/he didn’t know the answer.
Not to mention Robbie Coltrane, and Tony ‘Baldrick’ Robinson.
ObTYOQuote:
“Laugh? I nearly went to Ethiopia! Second class of course …”
“Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that!” (Neil’s amp)
CLIFF!!! :eek:
Neil: Alright then, come along quietly.
Vyv: No, we’re going to come very noisily!
That’s right, if the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces"
Oh well, out of the frying pan, into another frying pan!
BTW, Vanilla, was the lentil soup worth it?
How about the rat eating another dead rat stuck in a trap? Rat looks up. “It’s what he would have wanted.”
Do you remember those one or two episodes where they threw in extremely pointless subliminal images? Some guy wrote a whole article on what each image was, and none of them made a lick of sense.
And Neil in that horrendously filthy bathtub. Good lord, that’s entertainment.
Yes! i love lentil soup.
Its all thanks to Neil, too
Now I’ve yet to try risotto…
Vyvyan to his mum: These are my friends, Neil and Mike, and this is Rik, a complete bastard that I know.
Rik: He’s just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan. We’re actually tewiffic fwiends!
Mum: Eeew, you’re right. He is a complete bastard.
That doesn’t sound familiar. Was that from one of those non-continuity interludes, to which I paid little attention?
I could never figure out what those bits were for. Well, some were funny, but mostly the ones that had the principal players in them (Planer on a prison ship, Mayall and Edmondson spying from a window, Mayall and Planer on a golf course). But the ones like the two guys in a cabin and a third, wounded man stumbles in and says something incoherent, or the two men shipwrecked on a raft, left me cold.
At any rate, the only explanation I could figure for these sidetracks was that the shows were built around stage performances, and something had to be added to make them long enough for episodic TV. Is that correct? And what the hell did the man and woman warming their hands by a lightbulb have to do with anything?
He was my favorite. And he was not gay, as many said: he was an uptight virgin! But he liked girls…ah…women…ah, formed meaningful relationships with…
Everyone else at the time seemed to have Vyvyan for their favorite. He was a howl, all right, but Mayall was the one with the most innate talent. FWIW, he has had the most continued success since the '80s. I believe…
…just checked the IMDB and what I heard is true: he’s playing Peeves the Poltergeist in the Harry Potter movie(s)! That will be a trip! Along with everything else, of course! I also love that John Cleese is Nearly Headless Nick; I cannot think of anyone more perfect.