Speaking as an introvert®, hooking up with an other introvert would bore the fuck out of me. Fuck introverts.
That’s what this whole thread is about, isn’t it Khaki? We’re trying to fuck introverts! I happen to like introverts. They’re not constantly dragging me everywhere out in Public, where I have to be crammed into crowds and noise and bars and drunks and uuugh. I’d rather stay at home and every so often have grand adventures. On OKC I saw a profile that said her main form of entertainment was going to see live bands. If I went out with her, after doing that half a dozen times that would drive me up the fucking wall.
We definitely need a hookup forum.
This was the correct answer, if anyone was interested.
I hate the ‘stop looking’ advice. No, having a relationship shouldn’t be the driving force in your life and you should develop yourself and your passions outside of who you might be dating. But for a lot of us (particularly introverts), we need to make up our mind that we want to find someone and commit to doing it, which means putting ourselves out there in a way that’s uncomfortable for most and kissing a lot of frogs. Otherwise we could easily be unpartnered forever. I thought I would be, and honestly I was okay with that at the time, but then I moved in next door to a man… and we’ll have been together 6 years soon.
Truly, you can have on your side youth, beauty, intelligence, a great personality* and have no one (with the possible exception of street harassers) be, or at least act, interested. I’ve been there (if I do say so myself) and so have plenty of people I’ve known. I have a friend who is 24, pretty, smart, a cool person - never went on a single date her entire life until a few months ago, because she’s quiet, shy, uncomfortable with flirting with random guys, and generally not easy to approach romantically (plus it’s hard to meet people - she’s active in our community, but it never led to dates, just friends). She thought there was something wrong with her, that men didn’t find her physically attractive. On my urging she finally made up her mind to take the plunge into online dating, met up with someone she had a lot in common with recently and now they are officially ‘together’ and seem to be falling in love.
Sometimes it takes a while to find the ‘right’ person. If it’s important to you, I think it’s smart to step up your efforts to meet a great guy, not sit back and hope one passes through your life and somehow it leads to romance…
*all of which you appear to have, I think this is just an introversion issue. I know a lot of people here scoff at the MBTI, but I am a fan and I’ve seen many INTPs and INTJs (I’m one) struggling in the same way.
Speaking as a fellow INTX(I fluctuate between P and J), I honestly think your best bet is referrals. I met my wife via an acquaintance who was a notorious meddler and setter-up of blind dates, and most of my previous long-term relationships had been started under similar circumstances (“Hey, Z, this is X.” and we hit it off.)–the only times I’ve expressly initiated relationships were online dating sorts of things, and once (just once) when I was a college freshman and decided to play the extrovert for once and happened to zero in on the cute introverted girl (who I ordinarily would have just gazed at and hoped she’d say something to me).
I wonder if it’s not something about the culture of the city, too–you’re not the only attractive well-adjusted person I know who’s floundering in the dating scene up there.
As for the suggestions earlier that we have a hookup forum, didn’t that used to be MPSIMS? 
I actually seriously wonder sometimes why there aren’t more of the lonely dopers pairing off–in my experience it’s relatively less common here than other online gathering places I’m familiar with.
Oh, and the obligatory: “You prefer guys 30 to 35, eh? How *YOU *doin’?”
I agree that being introverted is not some kind of flaw that needs fixing - it simply means that you recharge your batteries by being alone, instead of recharging them by socializing. It isn’t the value judgement that some people in this thread seem to be thinking it is (all introverts have low self-esteem, are shy, etc.). And two introverts together is not the end of the world; it’s actually been kind of great (we have the same basic social drive and need to be alone and be quiet and undisturbed). Our house and lives are quiet and peaceful; to some people that would be boring; it isn’t to us.
If the world were fair, everyone would be able to find someone to love in exactly the way that matches their personality and never have to step out of their comfort zone.
The world isn’t fair.
When people are telling you to stop obsessing and put yourself out there without the sole purpose of finding someone to date/love, they’re giving good advice. If you’re out there looking, you’re sometimes pretty obviously looking desperate, and that’s no attractant.
Your best bet is to start doing things with groups of people…form a circle of friends (whether that’s co-workers, fellow church members, neighbors, your local area chat partners, whatever). You can’t meet people if you’re not meeting people! But people don’t really appreciate if the only reason you’re hanging with them is to hook up with their friends. So don’t make that your reason.
Now, I’ll admit that I met supervenusfreak online. But I would never have actually met him in person unless I’d spent the previous year or two working on becoming a little more outgoing and understanding who I was and why I was the way I was. I’d have never progressed from chatting with him online to inviting him to accompany me to Central PA Pride that year. And we’d have never become involved with each other in that way.
What I’m trying to say is that “stop looking” doesn’t just mean “stop looking”. It doesn’t mean sequester yourself away from all social functions. It means take things as they come, create room in your life for the opportunity to present itself, and make improvements in your life that will make you a better “catch”, so to speak. And this applies to both men and women.
I’ve done the looking for love thing and I’ve done the stumbling across it unexpectedly while definitely not looking thing. They both can happen. They both can work, though I would think the odds are better if you’re actively looking.
My best advice for anyone looking for a relationship: Be the kind of person you would admire and want to date. I’m not talking about specific looks or jobs, but about attitudes and expectations and approach. The best way to be interesting is to be interested. The best way to be boring is to be bored.
I know–easier said than done. I’m not trying to sound glib.
If you’re “wafting about hoping,” that’s still “looking.” If you’re left a nervous wreck, then mate-seeking was clearly weighing on your mind.
If you can wake up alone in the morning, looking forward to the the day and happy to go off to your job, and have some contentment to the coming evening, then any relationship you may fall into is icing on the cake.
You need to like yourself and your life first.
Any relationship you enter into will be sharing your life. If you hate where you’re at, then how can someone else want to join you? Don’t mistakenly think that having someone beside you will then make life alright; if it wasn’t beforehand, it wont be after.
I agree, and I’d add that in my (admittedly brief) experience, doing something interesting that you like to do that gets you interacting with other people is the best way to meet people - pragmatically, it shows you to the best advantage because people are most attractive when they are doing something they find interesting.
Is 47 too old? How about a date?
Isn’t that the goal?
I am SO in the same boat - except that I am in my mid-40s. I put dating profiles on almost a dozen different sites which produced a whopping eight FIRST DATES (read: no second dates) in two years.
My conundrum is that I am self-employed so I don’t have a very active social circle. There are days on end when I don’t need to leave my apartment so I make a point to go to restaurants (I’m not a bar person). I also attend gallery openings, golf tournaments, and other public events but it seems everyone is already paired up.
I live in San Francisco where middle aged single men are at a premium. I turn heads when I go out, have several degrees, a notable wine cellar, am a published journalist (food and wine), and am far from a prude.
I find it so ironic that I read about so many married men whose wives won’t put out (yep, I read Craigslist and see guys who want to get laid), yet I can’t get any – unless I want a Casual Encounter. I have actually tried that, just to get a little human contact but no one has been able to keep up with me. I’m insatiable and celibate.
Ok. Rant over. Thanks for listening.
Mississippienne - I am married and too old, so have no dog in this hunt. But I have to say that based on your content in the thread you started on national anthems and your photo, you are, objectively, really attractive 
So - what might the issue be? Here is a chain of logic - stop and comment where it breaks down for you:
- You consider yourself an introvert
- You like more extroverted guys - they complement your style better
- What kinds of guys might be extroverted AND comfortable in a dating/meeting girls setting? My assertion: Alpha male leader extroverts and Bad Boy extroverts
- While those groups may initiate contact with introverted women, they may not be the best candidates for long-term relationships for a variety of reasons…
- So - are there extroverted types who maybe you don’t interact with as much because they are uncomfortable in the dating world?
I end up back in the “geeks or at least not strictly alpha male/bad boy” category and am wondering how much time you have spent trying to interact with this type of extrovert? You need to find them in their natural environment 
I am speaking from the perspective of someone who, now - within my little sphere of influence - has matured into an alpha male, but it took until my late 30’s. I have always been outgoing, but until I figured my life out a bit, I wasn’t all that great in reaching out to women…
…sorry if you have covered this. Again, it seems like you should have guys beating down your door; the question is are they the right guys for you??
Mississippienne, I’ve seen your ad, and I’ve seen your photos. You’re attractive looks-wise, and your prose is intelligently written, revealing an interesting woman behind it. As far as I can tell, there is nothing the fuck wrong with you. I’m not just saying that to be nice; really, I’d say you’re a good catch.
Many people in my profession think that American cities are becoming more homogenized; that it’s harder to tell Indianapolis, Minneapolis and Columbus apart now than 30 or 40 years ago. I’m a dissenting voice. I’ve noticed that in the past few decades, cities and the neighborhoods within them are increasingly catering to and appealing to different subcultures and niches. Outdoorsy? Move to Denver. Evangelical Christian but still outdoorsy? Colorado Springs. Hipster? Austin’s the place. Granola? Portland, Oregon. Type A granola? San Francisco. New agey artist? Santa Fe. And so on, and so forth. There were always cities that attracted new residents from outside the region because of the lifestyle or climate they offer, but the trend is becoming even more prevalent.
I’ve lived throughout the United States, and I found the dating scene varied wildly from place to place. In some cities, it was easy to meet like-minded people; in others, I felt like I was living in a social desert. I think the hardest places to meet people are where there was either a very transitory population of short-timers, or where people were parts of families that have been in the area for generations, where someone’s circle of friends was firmly established in elementary or high school. New York, I think, has the worst of both worlds.; young adults who move there but really don’t expect to stay, and multi-generational natives. I think you’re facing a tough crowd.
New York is also infamous for its insularity, despite its diversity. There’s people who seldom leave their borough or neighborhood and are proud of that, people who don’t expand their circles of friends beyond their subculture, and so on.
Maybe NYC isn’t the best fit for you. Maybe you’ll do better in Chicago, Denver, or Seattle, or even someplace like Madison or Eugene.
Hey. It could be the Doper Dating game.
Doper number 2, if we were in the Pit, how would you *flame *me?
Let me ask you this;
If I could look into a crystal ball, and tell your future with certainty, and that future was that you would not partner, how would your life look different?
You will not partner, or have children, for certain. Now how will you live your life? Will you wallow in self pity, take up drinking so you can drink yourself to death, or get over it and on with it?
What would you do differently? Take more risks? Seek out adventure? Stop wasting your time looking for that sort of happiness and put your time to better use? Doing what? Traveling? Reading? Taking courses? Learning to dance? Finding happiness in other pursuits?
Assume I’m right, stop looking and concentrate on building a life for yourself so full of fun, adventure and excitement that you won’t miss having a partner. Do that, and I can promise you, potential partners will be beating a path to your door. You’ll be beating them off with a stick.
Be forewarned though, once you accept this mind set, and create this life for yourself, you might not be all that willing to take a partner when one surfaces.
I believe, Jack, that I would start with a nice low fire, made from all the brush and branches I have to keep clearing off, every spring, then I’d season it with the clippings from the “weed wacker”, then I’d finish off by smoking you with the scrap lumber that’s always left over from the repairs I have to make each summer. Then I’d brown you with my propane torch just to hear you scream.
What, doesn’t EVERYONE have the same fantasies about TV Game Show Hosts?
Hey Missisip… Does this score me any points with you?
BTW, Jack, we are in the “Pit”. Whatta ya want me to do? Take yer pants down and really make you bleed? [Que “Deuling Banjos”]