There is evil in my backyard. It's in a cooler.

We have a nice cooler. It is the right size to take to the beach, or pack in the car for a road trip. It has a top that is flat on one side, which is nice to use as a table surface. If you flip it over, it has cupholders in it. It is easy to carry. It is my favorite cooler.

Last summer my husband used this cooler on a fishing trip. He returned with the cooler and put it in the kitchen. I knew the cooler could contain stinky things and refused to clean it for him. I ask him to clean it out and he agreed.

I forgot about the cooler for a few days. I noticed it in the kitchen and went to put it away. When I picked it up, it was heavy and I could feel things sloshing around in there, and hear cans clinking. I was beginning to dread opening the cooler. I told him to clean it, possibly with bleach. He agreed.

A few more days passed. Again, I notice the cooler. It is still sealed, and I can hear cans, and if I listen closely, a rustling noise. I was afraid, and put the cooler in the yard. I begged him to clean it outside, with the hose. He agreed.

Summer ended. The cooler remained. He asked if we could maybe throw the cooler away, as we both feared what it contained, these many weeks later. I loved the cooler and wanted to save it. The cooler stayed.

Autumn came and went. Winter covered the cooler with snow. It was forgotten. Now, spring is here.

I spotted the cooler in the yard the other day. The dog was growling at it. I cautiously approached, and picked it up. I could feel something sloshing around, and hear the cans. I thought I detected a heartbeat. I put the cooler in the garage, where it remains.

I love the cooler, but I fear the evil that is within. I am torn. Should I open the cooler? Can it be saved? Do I need to have a priest with me?

Oh dear GOD, you have to open it! I need to know what grew in there! Take photos too!

You’ll need a young priest and an old priest.

I second the Camera suggestion.

Maybe the young preist could bring a tripod…

It will actually be fine, after a THOROUGH does of bleach. Rinse and rinse and rinse, because you don’t want any bleach left.

But use a long stick when opening it up, and keep it away from any open flames. A crucifix might not be a bad idea.

I agree - we simply must know what happens! It’s like an episode of the X-Files.

In fact, I find this so important and your post so amusing, I broke my day-long silence to post here.

I was silent because I was waiting … waiting for a good, funny thread to post to.

And you have supplied it. I thank you.

In your wonderful thread about laziness, the inevitable questions of the beginning of life - in the cooler - and the need to know the unthinkable, I now have …

2,000 Posts.

Why do I flash on The Shadow Over Innsmouth" when reading the OP?

Although perhaps the Dunwich Horror or The Thing on the Doorstep would be equally appropriate…

The young priest is there as a sacrifice, right ? Then the old priest will have to take the pictures. I think you need a third priest.

You put it in the garge? It’s in the house!!!

Have you counted your cats lately?

The Thing On The Doorstep. Maybe Cool Air, too.

I suggest holy water and incense. Maybe some relics if you can find any.

Gorgon Heap, I am honoured. You have given me courage. I vow that all shall know what is in the cooler!
Now, to borrow a digital camera…and maybe a shotgun.

Maybe you could have a garage sale and sell it? :slight_smile:

Hey! It’s not a cooler full of rotten stuff.

It’s a science fair project!

Sheesh, like you needed to be told that.

Whatever you do, do NOT let the kids–any kids–open that little drain tap on the side of the cooler. There’s no knowing What may ooze through…

And if worse comes to worst, you could always declare the area a SARS hot zone.

If you leave it longer, maybe it will open itself. Problem solved, aside from the rash of missing pets in the neighbourhood.

Uh, aren’t you kind of missing the obvious? Just ask God to damn it to Hell.


Perhaps Steven King’s Grey Matter?

BrotherCadfael, with the type of phenomena we are potentially dealing with here, there’s no real way to distinguish between What and Who… :eek:

Velma has weapons of mass destruction! Just look in the cooler Mr. President…