There Is No Joke I Love To Tell More Than This One

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

A baby is born that is nothing but a head (Bear with me, this isn’t Matt, from Rue DeDay’s joke :slight_smile: ). The parents are of course depressed by this, but they vow to do anything in their power to keep their little Bob as happy as they can.

Years pass, and Bob has as normal a life as a kid who is only a head can possibly have. The two parents, frazzled after almost a decade of caring for a head, decide to take a cruise.

On the cruise, they meet a surgion who tells them that their child’s condition is not unique, only very rare. “Furthermore,” he says, “It can be treated, but the cost is high and there is some risk. This is far from a conventional treatment.” Of course, the parents readily agree to take Bob to the surgions hospital to have the treatment, cost be damned.
For the next few months, they save their money, sacrificing luxeries like beans to have enough to give thier son a body in time for Christmas. On Christmas day, they proudly come up to Bob, who’s seated on his head pillow.

“Guess what we’ve gotten you for Christmas, Bob!” they cry out.

Bob replies “Oh, fuck! Not another hat!”

62

Heard this one on NPR, of all places…

Two atoms go into a bar. They have a few drinks and then leave. When they get outside one atom says to the other,“Hey I think I left my electrons in the bar.”

The other atom asks, “Are you sure?”

He replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

63

This kid is going through kindergarten, and when he graduates, his father tells him “Son, you can have ANYTHING you want for your graduation of kindergarten.”

“I want a Purple Ping Pong ball,” says the son.

The father is a little surprised by this, but gets it for his son.

The kid goes through grade-school, and graduates. Again, his father offers him anything he wants.

“I want a carton of Purple ping pong balls.”

Again, the father is a little out of it by the request, but gets it for his son.

He goes through high school, same offer, he asks for a crate of purple ping pong balls. College, he asks for a dozen gross of purple ping pong balls…

The son gets cancer. On his death bed, his father makes the same offer. “I want a truckload of purple ping pong balls.”

“Why did you want all those ping pong balls son?”

“Well dad…” he said, then he died.

Isn’t that annoying? I nearly strangled the person that told it to me.

64

A man makes up from surgery and says “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

To which the doctor replies"I know, we had to amputate your arms."

65

Here’s one from way, way back. You can tell by the bargain basement price!
Priest decides to get out of the church and away from his fellow priests and nuns for a while, maybe see a little bit of the real world. So he walks into town one evening and is accosted by a hooker. “Hey, father! Head for $5.” He’s puzzled by this, so continues his walk. Another hooker, “Hey, Father, head for $5.” After this happens several more times he decides he better go home. He runs into one the nuns. “Sister,” he says, “I’ve just returned from town trying to see a little bit of the real world and I have a question.” “What is it, Father?” the nun asks. “What’s head?” asks the priest. Replies the nun, “Five dollars, same as downtown.”

66

So, a doctor says to a woman that just gave birth “I’m afraid I have good news, and bad news. The good news is you just gave birth to a ten pound eyeball.”

“Dear lord!” She cries out weeping, “THAT’S the good news?! A ten pound eyeball?! What could be worse than that!?”

“He’s blind.”

67

A very wealthy woman leaves instructions with her butler to clean up and then take the night off, for she has a hot date and doesn’t expect to be home until morning. Jeeves begins to do his chores and she leaves for the evening.

about two hours later the woman returns looking defeated, obviously the date hadn’t gone the way she had planned at all. She kicked off her shoes and walked to her bedroom where it turned out Jeeves had not yet left for the evening. The woman stared straight at him and in a very stern voice demanded, not requested, but demanded;

“Jeeves, take off my blouse.”

he did as he was told.

“Jeeves, slide off my skirt”

he did.

“Jeeves, remove my stockings”

he did.

“Jeeves, unclasp my bra”

and he did.

“Jeeves, slide off my panties”

faithfully he did.

The woman looked straight at Jeeves, and whispered…

“and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

68

A man was in a horrendous car crash. By Some miracle he was not killed, in fact his only injury was to his penis, which had to be amputated. The doctors treating him decided to try a new radical procedure in which a baby elephant’s trunk would be transplanted to serve as the man’s new johnson.
When the man woke up after surgery he was a little dismayed, but his doctors assured him that it would work just fine, and was in fact quite the speciman, size-wise.
So after a time he decided to try his new tool out.
There he was sitting across the table from lovely young woman at a fancy restaurant; his eyes and thoughts wandered about her supple body. If things went right, he would definitely score.
All of a sudden, the transplanted elephant trunk whips up from underneath the table, grabs a hard-roll and disappears under the table.
The man turns beet-red, and sputters out an explanation, telling her the absolute truth, that instead of a penis he has a baby elephant trunk swinging between his legs.
Much to his delight, the woman seems barely taken aback at all. A smile comes across her lips and she says, …
“Actually, I find that quite exciting, do you think you can make it do that trick again.”
He says, “Well I’m pretty sure I can, but I don’t think my asshole can take another hard-roll.”

69

Two fleas from Canada are vacationing on the beach in Florida enjoying the sun and having some drinks. Along comes a friend of theirs who is coughing and sneezing and generally looks like hell. They ask him why he looks so bad and he replies.

“I rode all the way here from Winnipeg on some biker’s moustache and must have caught the mother of all colds.”

His friends explain that he has gone about it all wrong and tell him.

“Next year get yourself to the airport,hang out on a toilet seat until a stewardess comes in and catch a ride in a nice warm muff.”

The flea thanks his buddies and tries to enjoy the rest of his vacation.

The next year the first two fleas are back on the beach and begin to wonder where their friend is. Soon he shows up coughing and sneezing and generally looking like hell. They ask him what happened and he explains.

“I did exactly what you told me. Went to the airport,waited for the cutest stewardess,hopped on and promptly fell asleep. Next thing I know I wake up on some biker’s moustache heading for Florida!”

[sub]This joke in no way represents the hygiene of airline stewardess. Or bikers for that matter.[/sub]

70

Dave99 reminded me of another one I love (and BTW, screw all of you for distracting me when I have serious work to do).

This man (we’ll call him Dave!) was suffering from agonizing headaches. He repeatedly visited his doctor and had tests of every type run. Finally the doctor figured out his problem and gave him the bad news. “Dave, you’ve got a condition where your testicles are drawn up and pressing against the base of your spinal cord. That’s what is causing these headaches. The problem is, amputation of the testicles in the only cure.” Dave was horrified, but the pain was so debilitating he agreed.

The day he was released from the hospital, he was a new man. No more headaches! He passed a haberdasher and decided to celebrate his newfound health with a new sportcoat.

The salesman who assisted him was an old pro. “Sir, you look like you’re about a 42 long.” That’s right, said Dave in surprise, but the salesman just smiled and said “This is my job.” He suggested a new shirt “16 1/2 neck, 33 arm, I’d say.” Again Dave nodded in surprise, and the salesman reminded him he’s been doing this for years. As he was admiring the shirt with the jacket, he spied a pair of shoes --the salesman immediately produced the right size. Amazing, thought Dave.

Finally, the salesmen mentioned “Sir, sometimes a new wardrobe really feels best when a gentleman also has some new underdrawers to wear.” Dave thought what the hell, he felt like his life was just beginning anew, so he said sure.

“Fine then, let me go in the back and find some boxers in a 36.”

Dave laughed. “Oops, I guess I finally tripped you up there, buddy. I’m not a 36, I’m a 34!”

“No no, sir, I’m sure you’re a 36! A man with your build wearing a 34; why, that’d press your testicles against your spine and probably give you one hell of a headache!”

71

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman are running away from the police. They hide in an old barn and each of them jumps into a burlap sack. The police rush in and see the three conspicuously lumpy bags, and begin kicking the Englishman’s bag. The Englishman goes “Meow!” and the police say “Oh, it’s a bloody cat.” They kick the Scots bag, and the Scot says “Woof!” The police say, “Oh, it’s a bloody dog”

They begin to kick the Irishman’s bag, and he yells: “POTATOS!”

72

A little girl is in the park the day after Christmas when the little neighbor boy comes up to her feeling real proud of all the new close her got as presents and says:

“I gots a new coat from Santa!”

Not to be outdone, the little girls says: “Well, I got a new coat!.

“I got new shoes!”

“Well I got new shoes, too!”

I got a new pair of pants!”

“I got a new pair of pants , too!”

The little boy thinks for a minute, then pulls down his pants and points at his penis
“I’ve got one of these!”

The little girl pulls down her pants and looks……
And runs off…
“MOMMMMMYYYYY!”

After a few minutes she comes back to the little boy, wearing a great big smile and points at her crotch
“My Mommy says that with one of these, when I grow up, (points at his)
I can have all of those I want.”

Actually I like to tell the pig with a wooden leg joke, but someone beat me to it. And I cough[sub] tell it better [/sub] cough cough

73

I think this one came from Howard Stern.
A guy and his wife are getting it on in the bedroom one afternoon and they get into the “69” position. He’s going at her full tilt when he realizes she’s on her period. Just when it starts to get really sloppy, there’s a knock on the door.

He says, “Uh-oh, I can’t answer the door like this.” She says, “Go ahead - if he notices the stuff on your mouth, just say you were eating a jelly sandwich.”

So the guy throws on a bathrobe, goes to the door and opens it. A salesman is standing there and says “Good afternoon, sir, I’d like to take a few minutes of your time to discuss…” His voice trails off and he’s obviously staring at the guy.

The guy says “Oh…My mouth has a little jelly on it. I was eating a jelly sandwich and I didn’t have time to clean up.”

The salesman replies…

I wasn’t looking at the jelly on your mouth, I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.

74

A baby was born that was so advanced than when he came out he could already talk.

As the Doctor held him up he said “Are you my Doctor?”

The Doctor said “Why yes, I am.”

“Well I just want to thank you for the wonderful care you’ve given me and my mother the last nine months.”

Then he looked over at the woman in the bed and said “Are you my Mother?”

His mother said “Yes I am.”

“Well, I just want to say ‘Thank you’ for bringing me into the world.”

Then he looked over at the proud father standing by and asked “Are you my father?”

“Why yes I am.” his father said.

The baby beckoned his father closer.

As his father leaned over the baby, the baby started poking him in the forehead and said “I just want you to know that…that…hurts!”

75

And Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in the pub, having a chat. The conversation turns to what they all bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says, “I bought my wife a lovely bracelet, and a long-sleeved sweater to go with it.”

“Why’s that?” the others ask.

“Well, if she doesn’t like the bracelet, she can wear the sweater and cover it up without hurting my feelings.”

Then, the Scotsman says, “I bought my wife a gorgeous necklace, and a turtle-neck sweater.”

“Why’s that?” the others ask.

“Well, if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can wear the sweater and cover it up without hurting my feelings.”

Finally, the Irishman says, “I bought my wife a handbag and a dildo.”

“Why’s that?” the others asked.
(scroll down for the punchline)

“Well, if she doesn’t like the handbag, she can go and fuck herself!”

76

Two lesbians in bed… but which one is the drug-user?
(scroll down for the punchline)

The one sniffing the crack.

77

A woman walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a double entendré.

The bartender sneers and replies, “I’ll give ya one!”

78

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.

“Certainly, madam,” he replied.

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

“Morning madam…sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

“Food to your liking?”

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though…they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary…who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

79

You can tell I spend entirely too much time around second graders:

Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies!
BTW…when I was told Jodi’s joke about the armless bell ringers, approx. 95 years ago, I recall it being told as a three-parter. The first two, I remember them well, but I have never been able to remember or find the third part. Jodi, or anyone else, any insight here?

80

A producer is getting ready to choose the actors who will star in his next film: a Biblical epic, starting from the very beginning of Genesis. “I see Brad Pitt as Adam, Kate Winslet as Eve, and Jack Nicholson as the snake,” he declares.

His partner doesn’t like the idea. Ostentatiously waving the gem-filled rings on his hand, he says, “No, no, all wrong. George Clooney as Adam, Jodie Foster as Eve, and Kevin Kline as the snake.”

They take the dispute to their studio head, who renders the verdict:

"Let he who is without stones cast the first sin."