There Is No Joke I Love To Tell More Than This One

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
121

Snow White, Quasimodo, and Tom Thumb were out having dinner together one evening. Snow White, preening, announced to no one in particular, “I’m the fairest of them all!” Quasimodo, not to be outdone, growled, “Yeah, well, I’m the ugliest man alive.” And Tom Thumb, not to be left out, said “And I’m the shortest man in the world!”

They fell to arguing about this. Snow White said, “Hey, my blind date the other night was uglier than you, Quasimodo!” And Tom Thumb insisted that his girlfriend was cuter than Snow White. Quasimodo, annoyed at Tom, claimed “I’ve seen lots shorter than you, shorty!” So, they decided to seek out the counsel of Merlin, the wisest wizard alive.

Snow White went in and talked to Merlin, and came out a few minutes later in visible relief. “Seeeeeeee!” she exclaimed, “I really am the fairest of them all!”

Tom Thumb took his turn, and came back out of Merlin’s house with a big grin on his face: “I told you two I was the shortest man in the world!”

Quasimodo went in and talked with Merlin. After a few minutes, the other two could hear him shouting. Screaming, ranting, and finally pleading ensued for the next hour. Finally, he came out shaking his head in anger and frustration, mumbling, “Who the hell is Janet Reno?!?!?”

122

Tonto and the Lone Ranger came into town one hot day and tied their horses outside the saloon before entering.
They went inside and ordered drinks. After a while, a big cowboy came in, approached the Lone Ranger and said, “'Scuse me, partner, but is that your big white horse outside?”
“Yes,” said the Lone Ranger. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, you’d better do something for him; he’s about to die from the heat.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside to find Silver in a very poorly state. They got him a drink of water, even splashed water on him, but it didn’t help much. Then the Lone Ranger had an idea. “Tonto,” he said, “why don’t you run around Silver for a while, in circles? The breeze you create will cool him down.”
“Yes, Kemosabe,” said Tonto, and he began running around Silver.
It seemed to be working, so the Lone Ranger went back into the saloon to finish his drink and have another. But a few minutes later, another big cowboy approached him and said, “'Scuse me, partner, but is that your big white horse outside?”
“Yes,” said the Lone Ranger. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with the horse, but I just thought you should know you left your Injun runnin’.”

123

A prostitute goes up to a man in the bar. She says, “I’ll do anything you want, in three words or less, for a hundred bucks.”

He says, “Paint my house.”

I can’t tell jokes, but sometimes I say something someone else finds funny. Go figure. At the newspaper I work, when the last edition has been checked, the copy desk chief dismisses us and calls down to composing to let them know they can go home.

This night, we take longer than usual to look at the papers. The phone rings. Me, the rookie on the desk who did know this yet, picks it up.

Loud voice: HEY! DID YOU FORGET US?

Me: I don’t know. Who are you?

Then there was the time we were talking about edible underwear made out of various flavors, and I said that making one out of chewing tobacco would leave you with a wad in your mouth. . . .

pesch

124

i’m walking by a phone booth, and the guy inside says “hey, can i borrow a nickel to call my friend?” i get a coin out of my pocket, flip it to him and say “here’s a dime… call all of them!”

oh i’m dying. every time.

-fh

125

What do you get when you cross two boards, three nails and a jew?

Easter.

I so rarely post, and now I’m going to hell for it…

126

nonononononononononononoooo…
I love bad jokes, but I hate when they get screwed up or (shall we say?) can be improved upon…

sigh

A guy calls home because he’s working late. A little girl answers the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, sweetheart, it’s daddy.”
“Hi, daddy.”
“You’re such a clever girl. Is mommy there? I need to talk to her.”
“She can’t come to the phone.”
“Oh, is she in the bathroom?”
“No…”
“Is she outside?”
“No… she’s in the bedroom.”
“Oh, is she taking a nap?”
“No, she’s with the gardener…and they have no clothes on.”
Understandably, the man becomes rather upset, but decides that he should hide his emotions from his daughter and comes up with a plan instead.
“Okay, honey, I want you to do something for me and help me play a little joke. I want you to run upstairs and tell mommy that you just saw my car pull into the driveway. Watch what happens and come back to the phone to tell me.”
“Okay.” says the little girl, and puts the phone on the counter.

After a few minutes and some ruckus in the background, the little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi, daddy.”
“Hi, sweetie. Tell me what happened.”
“I did as you said and the gardner jumped up and ran into the bathroom and tried to get his pants on but he slipped on the tiles and fell and hit his head on the sink and now he’s dead.”
“Dead?”
“Yeah, mommy was yelling and crying and saying he’s dead.”
A small triumphant smile spreads across the man’s face.
The girl continues,
“And then mommy jumped up and went out the window 'cause she was sad and said that she didn’t want you to find her like this. So she’s dead.”
The smile faded.
“Did you say mommy’s dead?”
“Yes. She jumped and fell into the pool, but there was no water in it so she’s dead.”
“She jumped- wait… did you say ‘pool’?”
“Yes.”
“But we don’t have a poo- Is this 213-5612?”
------------ANYway----------------------------
A Frenchman, and Italian, and a Canadian are seated beside one another on a flight from JFK to attend a conference in Atlanta. They connected from flights from their home countries so at least for two of them, they’ve been flying all day.

After the obligatory inflight drink, the conversation turns to sex. (Three guys, long day and a few drinks… whadda YOU think?)

The Frenchman, being a bit of a pompous git, decides it’s time to show what his countrymen are made of and votes himself as the representative. He starts with the declaration:
“I have somet’ing to sei. Las’ naght, I made love to my wife three times. Zis morning, she made me a wonderful crepe (how you sei?) brek-faust… and tells me she could neveur love another man.”

The Italian pipes up.
“You a-know, I made looove to my wife FIVE times lasta nigh’. Dis morning, she made me a lovelya breakfast, wit’ fresh fruit and champagne, and told me she could not LOOK at another man.”

They noticed that the Canadian had little to say.

The Frenchman, figuring this was a sign of ineptitude and typical of the Canadian male sexual prowess, started laughing. He pressed, “Et how manee times you make love with YOUR wife las’ naght?”

The Canadian, quietly, without a hint of shame nor glee in his face, merely replied softly, “once”.

The Italian, trying to hold back his tears of laughter, blurted, “And wha’d she have to say to YOU this morning?”

The Canadian, just as calmly, said…

…“don’t stop.”

Than-whoah I said "Thank y-"hey whatWhaTWHAAAAAT??? How do you people manage to bring old vegetables into these places?!?

127

nonononononononononononoooo…
I love bad jokes, but I hate when they get screwed up or (shall we say?) can be improved upon…

sigh

A guy calls home because he’s working late. A little girl answers the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, sweetheart, it’s daddy.”
“Hi, daddy.”
“You’re such a clever girl. Is mommy there? I need to talk to her.”
“She can’t come to the phone.”
“Oh, is she in the bathroom?”
“No…”
“Is she outside?”
“No… she’s in the bedroom.”
“Oh, is she taking a nap?”
“No, she’s with the gardener…and they have no clothes on.”
Understandably, the man becomes rather upset, but decides that he should hide his emotions from his daughter and comes up with a plan instead.
“Okay, honey, I want you to do something for me and help me play a little joke. I want you to run upstairs and tell mommy that you just saw my car pull into the driveway. Watch what happens and come back to the phone to tell me.”
“Okay.” says the little girl, and puts the phone on the counter.

After a few minutes and some ruckus in the background, the little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi, daddy.”
“Hi, sweetie. Tell me what happened.”
“I did as you said and the gardner jumped up and ran into the bathroom and tried to get his pants on but he slipped on the tiles and fell and hit his head on the sink and now he’s dead.”
“Dead?”
“Yeah, mommy was yelling and crying and saying he’s dead.”
A small triumphant smile spreads across the man’s face.
The girl continues,
“And then mommy jumped up and went out the window 'cause she was sad and said that she didn’t want you to find her like this. So she’s dead.”
The smile faded.
“Did you say mommy’s dead?”
“Yes. She jumped and fell into the pool, but there was no water in it so she’s dead.”
“She jumped- wait… did you say ‘pool’?”
“Yes.”
“But we don’t have a poo- Is this 213-5612?”
------------ANYway----------------------------
A Frenchman, and Italian, and a Canadian are seated beside one another on a flight from JFK to attend a conference in Atlanta. They connected from flights from their home countries so at least for two of them, they’ve been flying all day.

After the obligatory inflight drink, the conversation turns to sex. (Three guys, long day and a few drinks… whadda YOU think?)

The Frenchman, being a bit of a pompous git, decides it’s time to show what his countrymen are made of and votes himself as the representative. He starts with the declaration:
“I have somet’ing to sei. Las’ naght, I made love to my wife three times. Zis morning, she made me a wonderful crepe (how you sei?) brek-faust… and tells me she could neveur love another man.”

The Italian pipes up.
“You a-know, I made looove to my wife FIVE times lasta nigh’. Dis morning, she made me a lovelya breakfast, wit’ fresh fruit and champagne, and told me she could not LOOK at another man.”

They noticed that the Canadian had little to say.

The Frenchman, figuring this was a sign of ineptitude and typical of the Canadian male sexual prowess, started laughing. He pressed, “Et how manee times you make love with YOUR wife las’ naght?”

The Canadian, quietly, without a hint of shame nor glee in his face, merely replied softly, “once”.

The Italian, trying to hold back his tears of laughter, blurted, “And wha’d she have to say to YOU this morning?”

The Canadian, just as calmly, said…

…“don’t stop.”

Than-whoah I said "Thank y-"hey whatWhaTWHAAAAAT??? How do you people manage to bring old vegetables into these places?!?

128

A man walks into a bar. The place is quiet lively. He notices two things right off the bat. First from the ceiling there’s a large water bottle filled with cash, with the sign: Ask Bartender for details of winning this money. Second, that there’s a horse sitting at one of the tables looking quite sad.

He walks to the bartender orders whiskey straight up and asks: What’s the deal with the cash up there. “Well” say the bartender “it’s for my horse”. “See he’s been upset since his Philly died and so to cheer him up I’ve been having people place wagers to see if they could make him laugh.”

“Really” says the man, “can I give it a try”? “Sure” says the bartender. “You just wager everything in wallet against the money in the jar”. “Ok” the man agrees and hands over all his cash.

He walks up to the horse and whispers in his ear for a moment. Next thing you know the horse falls over laughing hysterically. The bartender is in shock but hands over the jar and the man leaves.

Two months later, the man returns to the bar. There is an identical jar filled with cash, the same sign, and the horse is still laughing. He orders a whiskey and asks about the jar. “Well say the bartender, that darn horse has been laughing since you left. It’s really irritating. So this time the money goes to the person that can make him stop”.

“Can I give it a try” says the man. “Sure thing partner” says the bartender, “same as last time”. So the man hands over his cash. He walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear. They both turn away from the patrons. Suddenly the horse burst into tears.

The man walks back to the bar to collect his winnings. The bartender says “you’re sure one lucky fellow. Tell me how did you do it”. “Well the first time I was in here, I told him. You know fella I have a bigger dick than you. This time……….

I showed him.”

129

How do you circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.

130

Three nuns were talking during their evening meal.

The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s
room this morning, and do you know what I found? A stack of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” asked the other nuns.

“I threw them in the trash, of course!”

The second nun said, “I can top that. I was in the Father’s room putting away laundry last week and I found a package of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?”

“Well, I poked holes in all of them”, she said.

“OH SHIT.” said the third nun.

131

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse finally got married. A few years later, they filed for divorce.

Mickey went down to the courthouse to straighten out the paperwork. The judge was shuffling through the stack of papers, somewhat confused, and said in a fumbling way, “So, Mickey…I understand that you’re divorcing Minnie because… she’s crazy?”

“No, no, Your Honor,” Mickey said impatiently. “I never said she was crazy. I said she was f***ing Goofy!”
(It’s even funnier if you can do a Mickey Mouse voice.)
:slight_smile:

132

For my money, Ross told the joke better than Darqangelle because Ross’s version didn’t involve a little girl whose mother died. I feel bad for the little girl now. Seriously.

133

Brewster the Rooster was the horniest animal that ever lived. He would screw anything and everything that moved, which made life on farmer Jones’ farm interesting, to say the least.
Farmer Jones warned him daily “Brewster, one day you’ll screw yourself to death!”
Sure enough, one day Farmer Jones found Brewster in the middle of the barnyard, his feet in the air, his eyes closed, his tongue hanging from the side of his mouth. A foul stench was in the air, and buzzards were circling overhead
Farmer Jones jumped up and down and said, “I told you! I told you one day you’d screw yourself to death!”
Brewster opened one eye and said “Shut up, you idiot! They’re about to land!”

134

The best jokes set an air of drama . . . in my case I like to tell them in the first person. That way it takes two minutes before the audience even understands that it’s a joke, not something that happened in reality . . .

So Manhattan, Chronos, Cecil and I are playing golf. The two-some ahead of us is pretty slow, so by the 14th hole Chronos says, “This guy is taking too much time” . . . and Chronos tees off. He hits the guy, knocking him out. The ambulance comes and takes the golfer off.

We get into the clubhouse and the golf course manager says, “That was a blind golfer that you hit. Luckily, he’s okay.”

“We feel terrible about that. The next time he’s out here, buy him a round on me,” saith I.

“We really do feel terrible about it. The next time he’s out here, buy him a round of Manhattans on me,” quoth Manny.

“Boy are we sorry. The next time he’s here, buy him dinner on me,” says Cecil.

“But Chronos, you’re the guy who hit him. What are you going to do?” says the course manager.

“Screw him. Let him play at night,” quoth Chronos.

But the favorite joke I like to hear told is my wife telling the dream about the chicken . . .

135

A young librarian was at her first day of work. Soon, a chicken ran in, came up to the counter, and cackled, “Book book book?”

Startled, the librarian grabbed a book and handed it to the chicken, who took off with it.

An hour later, the tired-looking chicken came back to the library, went up to the counter, handed the book back to the librarian, and cackled again, “Book book book?”

The puzzled librarian handed the chicken another book and watched it run off again.

When the chicken came back once again, looking even wearier than before as it returned the book and cackled for another, this time the librarian decided to follow it.

She ran after it for quite a long distance down the road as it traveled with the book tucked under its wing.

Finally, the weary chicken and librarian reached a clearing, where a fat bespectacled frog was sitting. The librarian watched as the chicken presented the book to the frog, only to have the frog glance at it, thrust it impatiently away, and say {frog voice}: “Read it, read it, read it.”

“You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.”
—Stan Laurel

136

During December, a business man from New York was on a trip to Chicago for a meeting. After the trip, he flew directly to Florida to meet his wife for a two-week vacation. Upon arriving at the airport in Miami, he learned that his wife’s flight had been pushed back a day by lousy weather. He went to his hotel room, took out his labtop, and sent his wife a message.
Unfortunately, he misspelled his wife’s e-mail address, and the message got sent to the widow of a recently deceased pastor. When one of the widow’s friends entered her room, they found her passed out in front of her computer, apparently from shock. On the screen was the following message:

Hi Honey,
It’s kind of lonely down here without you,but that’s ok, because I know that you’ll arrive real soon. I’m really looking forward to seeing you. Also, it sure is hot down here.

137

What was the last time we did this? It was the gorilla vs a tiger, and the gorilla had a shotgun.

138

Well now… that was a random zombification. Sorry! :o

139

Heh. No problem. Zombies have been springing up all day.