devilsknew, not to be snippy, but how come your stats come up at such an early stage in the process that it cancels any opportunity you may have? It’s hardly the first thing I talk about with a new person.
Not, initially. It doesn’t come up till later.
But when it comes up (and it always does, eventually) and you see that dilation of realization behind their eyes and they’re *Rung-gungagunggung-Rung-gungagunggung-Rung-gungagunggung OUT! Well, it’s back to Weirdsville…population, me.
*(Are you down with the D? Ever skinny-dipped in a Sea of Lee?)
You call that bad? I’m 38 and have yet to manage so much as a kiss. And I’m sure there’s some doper working up the courage to admit to worse.
Thanks for that Zoe. I often advise my friends that: If it’s not important to make a decision, it’s important not to make a decision. Sometimes I just forget to live by these words myself. 
I’ve had the good fortune to learn that recently. At the end of my marriage, by ex-w insisted that I needed to make her fall in love with me again. I was frankly bewildered by that. :dubious: If only I had that kind of power over women!
Me too. But now I find I’m a bit more circumspect.
I’m no wimp. Damn the torpedoes!
Curious though… what connotation does my name have?
Loaded question, that.
Well, I’ve not had many opportunities to be single. I was a slow starter. A few budding relationships in college before I met my wife to be. Spent 15 years in a relationship with her (10 of those being married). After we separated I was fortunate enough to meet someone within a few months and spent a little over a year with her. Now single again for a couple of months.
Kind of a piker compared to most people here, eh?
Wait until next week when I post a thread about my upcoming date on Wednesday. A young woman from my former job asked me out recently for a drink. 
I’m going to be even snippier than Priceguy (who I didn’t really think was snippy at all, 'cause I was going to ask that very same question):
Frankly, I wouldn’t care about how long it had been since you had sex or when your last girlfriend was (especially because I wouldn’t find any of that out until after I’d been on a date or two with you) – what would turn me off, however, is what I see in the rest of your post: bitterness.
The “I could get a woman if I lied, but I have too much integrity therefore I nobly accept that I will always be alone” bullshit is what stinks, not your stats. I have a feeling that’s what’s been keeping you single against your will. It’s not desperation, it’s a kind of self-righteous, self-fulfilling prophecy that some people (men and women) seem to develop as self-defense mechanisms. You could have the same stats but be down-to-earth about it, and you’d probably have better luck – everyone goes through dry spells, even big ones. Not to say that it’s all your fault: I’m sure you have managed to find women who would react simply based on your history. Not all of us are gems. But your bitterness and pessimism mean that you grab on to those few bad experiences and write yourself off … and no matter what words come out of your mouth, any woman worth your while can smell that a mile away.
devilsknew, I’ve changed my mind. You are definitely not my kind of crazy.
See, I keep reading devilsknew’s posts as having tongue planted firmly in cheek. 'Cuz nobody can be that cynical… can they? :dubious:
Shit, I thought something was up.
See, my problem is that I’m not exactly “here” at any given point, and I have no “game” to take with me. Sure, I can go to Balad, Iraq, Kandahar, Afghanistan, &c. But it seems that the dating scene isn’t what you’d call “a school of fish” over yonder.
Thus, I’ve learned to accept singlehood. After a recent loss, I’m thinking I prefer it.
It “sucks” to be single, but it’s all relative. That’s why I put it in quotes.
Tripler
Could be worse.
The reason I asked is reflected in Khadaji’s post: “I recommend that you wait until you are comfortable with it to find someone new. Otherwise you may settle for someone who is wrong for you simply so that you will no longer be alone.”
And if you do settle because you don’t want to be single, how can you be sure about your decisions within the relationship? “Did I forgive her for <insert offense here> only because I don’t want to be alone? Or because I truly love her, she offered a sincere apology and I believe that she deserves a second chance?” It seems like that could be very detrimental to the trust and respect in a relationship. I find that when I date men who are not comfortable being single–not comfortable with who they are and what they want outside of a relationship–that they seem to be a bit more needy in the relationship, more willing to be a “doormat,” an attribute I find very unattractive. That doesn’t mean that I don’t adore kind and giving men, I do. I just don’t care for men who lie down like dogs and take a bunch of crap from their partners because they don’t want to be single. I’m not saying this is the case with you; it’s just been my experience.
Everyone “has opportunities to be single.” It’s a choice. No one forces another to become involved in a relationship. And being single for a bit can be very beneficial to building a person’s self-esteem about them, not who they are with a partner. That, in turn, allows them to bring more to the relationship.
T’was just a lighthearted jab at both QuickSilver’s film selection AND his current state of noncouplehood. But for the nods, the list was largely films that don’t and aren’t intended to appeal to women. I’m trying to imagine the woman who’d willingly watch and enjoy Bring Me The Head of Alfred Garcia and except for Janet Reno I’m drawing a blank.
The homily is all well and good, but some of lack the social abilities to take action in that vein, and such come off as more cretinous and creepy than open and passionate. Personally, I seem to do an excellent impression of Travis Bickle, regardless of how hard I try not to seem desperate or lonely. Begin classified as a wimp or patronized with platitudes doesn’t really improve that.
I can’t speak for devilsknew, but back when I was invictoriously attempting the online dating thing, those sorts of questions (past relationships, sexual experience, family connectiveness, career planning, earning capacity) seemed to pop up immediately–often, even before a physical meet–and without any sense of reticence or opprobrium from the inquisitor; I guess it’s all part of the rapid winnowing process that is modern dating. And since I’ve had less experience or success with these things than the average, it tends to reduce the opportunity to gain more experience.
I find the whole process rather bizarre and unappealing, actually. T’would be nice to have someone to invite to dinner or go see a movie, but the prerequisites are beyond my limited grasp of social graces.
Stranger
That’s not what I got (obviously), but I’d love to be wrong. It’s been known to happen. Shh! Don’t tell anyone!
This has nothing to do with your situation, but your comment made me think of it:
Four years ago, a family friend’s wife died unexpectedly. In their bed. She was only 41. When I showed up at the viewing I had no idea what the hell I was going to say to this guy (I’d known him since I was a kid), and it turned out I didn’t need to say anything: I just hugged him while he cried on my shoulder. But the pain I saw in his eyes that day scared the shit out of me. What if I outlive the man I love? Also, it’s bad enough that any of us could be hit by the proverbial bus at any moment, but what if I fall for a cop, or a fireman, or a soldier? Or, what if my accountant husband wakes up one day and realizes that he doesn’t love me anymore? Fuck merging households and sharing my space, that is what I dread. With all my heart.
But not enough to want to remain single (or avoid cops/firemen/soldiers … or accountants).
Dammit.
Maybe this is just another example of “online dating is different for women,” but I’ve never had anyone ask me about my past relationships or sexual experience before meeting. Nor have (or would) I ever done the asking before a meet. (Except in an extremely general sense, such as “are you now, or have you ever been, married.”)
Most certainly.
I’ll tell you what I’ve learned through my 2 years of dating… I’ve learned that I can tell the difference between settling and finding someone I think is right.
Like I said, prior to marriage I didn’t have many relationships. Maybe 3 or 4.
Slow starter and a bit shy I guess.
Depending on the day you ask me and the mood I’m in, I may admit to having married somebody who was wrong for me in the long run. Not necessarily a bad person… just not right for me (in hindsight). That and a little recent dating has taught me to be more critical rather than less. I’m much more aware now of the kind of person I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. Finding her is the challenge now.
I suppose that everyone is different and suffers/deals with loss differently. I’m generally a very private person and like my own (mental & physical) space. I have very few close friends and don’t spend much time or energy maintaining acquintance type of relationships. However, I’m a bit of a romantic at heart and like to have a companion on whom to lavish affection and receive the same in return. Not at any cost though. I’ve already paid too high a price.
Preface: Admittedly some of what I am writing is hyperbolic and a bit tongue-in-cheek, but I’m using it to cut to the chase and express the truth of the OP while simultaneously serving as a cautionary tale to people who might be headed down this road (Get back on the HORSE!).
Anyways, I take it well. I’m not bitter about it, it’s just a statement of fact. Believe it or not I meet a lot of women and have a fairly active social life, it’s just that none take me seriously as a romantic prospect. Problem is, I am always a little too happy to meet women and always very eager (the scent of desperate, lonely, freakiness.).
(I am a little hesitant to include the next paragraph because it contains the whole story (which is really more private info than I wish to reveal) and the root of the societal prejudices that I am talking about. But it will demonstrate quite clearly in a three dimensional and palpable way what I am talking about. As all of you will process this prejudice viscerally and knowing this message board I will be discounted or stigmatized automatically because of it. But no one takes me seriously anyways, so what’s it gonna matter?)
I admit I am frustrated because the deck is stacked against me. And there is nothing I can do to change my history and I refuse to lie about it. I am down to earth, so down to earth that I tell women the truth about me upfront or when they ask, it is only fair and responsible. I am realistic about the fact that I am a fat, slightly balding, thirty-something on psych meds, that lives with his Mother. And ya know what?..so are women. Unfortunately, no matter how charismatic, or funny, or down to earth, or intelligent, or normal I am, the simple fact is that 99% of the time I am rejected in the dating game because of superficiality.
I am not bitter that women reject me. I don’t blame them. I get by on what I got and am just happy for friendships that I might develop, no one really wants to take the chance or waste their time on something more…fact of life, fact of a cynical society and temporality.
So, Misnomer wanna go out on a date? Be really honest with yourself.
…what’s that? …Didn’t think so.
Thank you. Next, please…Thank you. Next, please… Next… Next…
Sir. You’re holding up the line. Please move aside. Next… Next…
And you may be sure the process finds you just as bizarre and unappealing. Next, please…
That was a bit harsh.
Yeah, it’s called dating. I’m fat, which all by itself makes me unattractive to most men out there (and the create-your-mate world of online dating is even harsher than the real world). Women can get away with just about any character flaw (and even a degree of ugliness) as long as they aren’t fat. When I get off my ass I’ll have the right to bitch about it – until then, boo-fucking-hoo and I concentrate on the guys who do find me attractive.
But, you’ve just changed the context of our conversation: are you not getting dates because of your dating history, or are you not getting dates because you’re fat, balding, on meds, and living at home?
:dubious: I do not think that word means what you think it means.
With an attitude like that? Of course I don’t! Frankly, the only immediate red flag to me in your description of yourself is that you live with your mother. If it’s because you can’t or won’t take care of yourself, then hell no, I don’t want to go out on a date. If it’s because you’re taking care of her, that’s not a problem. The fat and balding aren’t automatic turnoffs, it would depend on how you look (Drew Carey could be described as fat and balding, and I’d do 'im). Psych meds? Depends on the severity of the problem and the effectiveness of the meds. But the bitterness and self-pity evident in that last line are what seal the deal for me. Why would I want to date you when you wouldn’t want to date you?
Yeah, I thought so too. Which may sound weird coming from me, because I feel like I’m being a little harsh on devilsknew, but still … ouch.
::Misnomer high-fives Harimad-sol::
Thanks!
Another thing for me, that I really can’t stand because it’s completely irrational, is that I feel almost as if my time is running out. I know it isn’t true and is in fact completely ridiculous, but it keeps popping into my head.
I remember way back when when I was doing the computer dating thing, and I was talking to one guy who I cut off contact with very quickly - the reason? His self-fulfilling prophecy about how women are always dumping him, and how bitter he was about women and relationships. The guy that I met and married has been kicked around by women and relationships, but I never got a sniff of bitterness from him, and that’s why I didn’t immediately cut off contact with him, too. The moral of the story is it’s not your past or your situation that people respond to - it’s virtually 100% your attitude. There will be the odd one who rejects you on the basis of your hair or something trivial like that, but mostly, the most appealing or distasteful thing about anyone is the way they look at their life.
QuickSilver, honestly, what do you want in your heart of hearts?