I just found my old copy of the tract in question, “Allah Had No Son,” and it turns out that Chick has already changed it quite a bit since the early 90’s. For example, he has removed the part where the Christian dad says to the Moslem, as the little Christian boy gasps in horror, “You claim Muhammad was innocent, yet his third wife, little Aesha, was only 8 years old. Shame on him! In my country he’d be jailed for child abuse!”
Maybe someone pointed out to Chick that most of the “holy” people in the Bible would be jailed for something in the modern U.S.
Silly Crunchy. Don’t you know that Jack Chick would despise the devil worshipping* star of that movie? Obviously the show’s meant to trick folks into believing they’re Christians when it’s really yet another Mormon conspiracy.
*Yes, I, Monty, am LDS and yes, I have been told to my face by a Chickian bigot…er Christian that I’m a devil worshipper. Oh, well.
Which is why I will be performing the music instead of hell-bound Donnie Osmand. (I tried to get him to do it, but he doesn’t return my calls anymore.)
**
Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice are Mormons? I had no idea!
**
gasp
After reading all these highly insightful and obviously well-thought out Jack Chick tracts, you’ve yet to deny your faith? You’re tough nut, Monty. I’m new at this and haven’t yet mastered the art of knowing exactly which Bible story will incite immediate conversions. Apparently the story of Joseph isn’t the correct Bible story to go with here, otherwise (unless Jack Chick is wrong - and he couldn’t be wrong) - you would have already denounced your sins, fallen on the floor in remorse for what you’ve done, repented and converted to the real Christianity.
Time to pull out the Big Gun: Jesus Christ: Superstar
[singing]
Hosanna Heysanna Sanna Sanna Ho
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey JC,JC won’t you smile at me?
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Superstar!
[/singing]
Hang on a sec… Now I know this would be considered rock music. What have I done?! I’m hell bound for sure now!
I would try that, unfortunately, my knowledge of Bible stories are restricted to Charlton Heston films and Broadway musicals. I guess you’re all just destined for hell then. I tried to help, but I’m just not as wise as Jack Chick.
Fun Activity You Can Do At Home: Listen to the song “Mr. Crowley” by Ozzy Osbourne repeatedly while reading Jack Chick tracts. It’s really very special.
Damn I love this song, so superior to “Crazy Train” and a major triumph of Satan Rock. Other great accompaniments to Jack Chick tracts: Black Sabbath- “NIB”, Pantera- “Cowboys From Hell”, Marilyn Manson - “The Fight Song”, Marilyn Manson - “Antichrist Superstar” MANY other Black Sabbath songs, The Album “2000 Years Of Human Error” by GODHead, DIO- “Holy Diver” and any number of other heavy metal songs. I mean old school, lying down, thrashing about on the stage, standing up, raising a fist and screaming “Satan Is Lord” as the crowd bursts into a frenzy and animals are sacrificed metal. I do not mean Limp Bizkit.
And in one of Chick’s comics (The Crusaders) Chick specifically discusses JC Superstar and Godspell, saying that
A) They featured ROCK and ROLL! which came from the DRUIDS(???) and is of the DEVIL, so it can’t be Christian!
and
B) Further proof is that Jesus is a “wimp” in JCSuperstar and a “clown” in Godspell, so you KNOW they’re anti-Christian.
After discovering this, The Crusaders, Tim and Jim (sort of homoerotic Scooby Doo-esque investigators for Jesus) go kick the snot outta some Satan-Worshipping Druids.
Unfortuately, THE CRUSADERS isn’t available on-line, my copy vanished several moves back and I’m not willing to give Jack Chick money. You can see some pictures here.
The most amazing thing for me in this one was that the preacher, a man who is supposed to know God personally, cheats this band out of three hundred bucks. What kind of message does that convey about God and his followers?
I think Chick was showing that the band was singing for the money, instead of testifying how much they love Jesus.
Or he was showing how a corrupt, dishonest preacher can turn people away from the Lord. (Even Chick has admitted that not all preachers are who they claim to be.)
Or he was showing that in our God-less society, even good churches are chronically underfunded. (People aren’t tithing as they should.)
Or he’s just a bad story-teller. You make the call.
