People who pee in our store’s back doorway. They usually do it at night, but I saw a man doing that in the middle of the day today. I decided to call 911 rather than confront him directly, but then when he finished he asked me if I could spare a dollar! I lost it and chased him down the street telling him I’d kick his ass if I ever saw him again.
I don’t put catsup on my hot dogs. I like ketchup instead. 
Most places these days, everybody in the right lane is going ±10 mi below the limit, forcing everybody else into the left lane with passers, tailgaters, leadfeet, red-ass semi jockeys and assorted jerk-offs. There aren’t too many interstates you can cruise at a leisurely posted limit anymore.
You.
Me.
I-5.
To the death… 
People who can’t understand the difference between *Reply * and Reply All. And they don’t bother reading their emails before replying.
This morning, in the space of 36 minutes:
Email - “Business Stuff” from London. I’m not on the London group, it was sent to the wrong group address. Many people erroneously recieve the email. I delete it.
Reply 1 “Attached is an email I don’t recognize…I believe this was meant for another office”
Reply 2 “I’m not the person you’re looking for”
Reply 3 “Ditto”
Reply 4 “Please everyone, do not reply all. reply to sender, we’re on the wrong list”
Reply 5 “I also do not recognize this email, I do not know what it means.”
Reply 6 “Same for me!”
Reply 7 “London partners, I do not recognize the attached email…”
Reply 8 “Hi all, I believe this was sent in error…”
Reply 9 “I am not familiar with this either…”
Reply 10 “Please do not reply to all as it was not meant for you” (From our group’s big boss)
Reply 11 “Ditto”
Reply 12 “Hi guys, this email obvisouly wasn’t meant for everyone, please don’t reply all!”
Reply 13 “Sorry, this email was accidently sent to our Southeast partners. Please disregard.” (From London)
**Reply 14 ** “Hello everyone! You have the wrong Marsha! I am in Personal Services! Have a great day!”
Reply 15 “Me too??? Better check the distribution list…”
No, you fucktard…you better check your reading skills. Disregard already!
What no special hell for the people who signal at the last minute?
Witness: Happy Cellphone is driving along. The light is red, there is one car in the left lane. The right lane has been really slow because there is a bus, so Happy Cellphone and everyone else behind him move happily to the left lane behind the waiting car since that lane will actually move when the light turns green.
The light turns green. The first car in the lef lanes moves four feet, then suddenly stops and puts on it’s left turn signal. Yes, the fucker has needed to turn all along, but has decided just now to fuck over all the other people, who now have to merge back behind the bus in order to keep going.
Ditto the fucker who, while going the speed limit, suddenly slams on the breaks and then signals the need for a turn, while everyone stops short behind him. Listen Ass, if you’d started signalling earlier, everyone would have known you were going to be hitting the breaks soon.
Well, them’s the brakes.
:smack: Argh! I HATE that typo too! Damn, homophones!
ETA: Having one of those days. I’m editing and I mis-read “trusted professionals” as “turd professionals”.
You just described a daily occurrence on my morning commute. Hanging’s too good for them! Burning’s too good for them! They should be torn into little-bitsy pieces and buried alive!
“Rendered” that’s the word you’re looking for. They should be “rendered”.
We’ve made it to page 2 and no one’s mentioned tailgaters?! Look, if I see someone come roaring up on my bumper, I’ll happily get out of the way, whether I’m in the fast lane or the slow lane. I’ve even been happy to do so, because I figure that means I can go a bit faster because the police will get the other guy first. On the other hand, if I’m on an off ramp, a single lane road, or other situation where I can’t pull over, I’m not going faster than the guy ahead of me. The laws of physics tell me very bad things could happen if I try to do that, and I’ve found I’m better off listening to them. Getting so close to me I can barely see your headlights when we’re going 55 mph and traffic’s too heavy for me or you to shift lanes isn’t going to accomplish anything except annoying one or both of us.
Oh yes, for those of you who do use your turn signals, the time to do so is not when the nose of your car is half way into my lane and I’ve already had to slow to let you in. I was taught that you signal, then shift lanes, not vice versa.
I like the original, but some people are always trying to re-write history*.
*While past performance does not necessarily predict future returns, its generally understood that 1 in 87 is not a sound investment strategy…
People who play their car stereo so loud you can hear it inside. With the windows close.
People who are late. Especially people you have called in to make a presentation about something they sell. We bought an air filtration system for our home, and two of the three people we interviewed were more than 15 minutes late. Fuck you for thinking my time is worthless. If you want to know why you didn’t get the order, just sit by your phone. I’ll call you tomorrow at 10:00.
And just why, pray tell, to you want to ruin MY day??? 
Wish them something that doesn’t involve my having to fill out paperwork as the only surviving witness …
Wish 'em a good solid wall.
Or better yet, a long drop off a short cliff.
Or (best case) wish them a busload of their own kind.
Lucy
No, I am not stupid, and yes, in the Workbeast (our giant field truck), I do NOT hear the turn signal, it’s too soft of a click. Most of the time I remember to turn it off if it doesn’t cancel on its own. But it does do that occasionally even on turns where it should be sharp enough to cancel.
Hey, I’m drafting there! I’m saving energy and I get to practice my bicycle pack riding skills while in a car.
Seriously, drafting is a legitimate way to save energy if the people in front drive smoothly and everybody in the back respond smoothly to changes in speed. It’s a problem when people get nervous just because they are so close together and don’t know how to travel in a pack. I think everyone should try racing a bicycle in mass start races to really learn how to draft correctly. They will also learn that you will get yelled at if you don’t travel in a straight line or abruptly use your brakes.
On another note. I pit people who accelerate slowly when it is rush hour and a traffic light has just turned green. Instead of getting a good portion of the back log through the lights, you just get 10 cars through and the lights turn red again. Why can’t you guys accelerate faster? Why not use some of that 0-60 mph magic that gets advertised all the time? You don’t have to wait for the guy/gal in front of you to get 5 car lengths before starting to accelerate. I personally accelerate faster on my bicycle than 90% of all cars in the first 5 seconds starting from a standing start.
I also pit rush hour traffic in general, especially in downtown cores where it is gas-brake-honk-gas-brake-honk-gas-brake-honk… Cars just aren’t made for maneuvering in tight spaces or getting through a high traffic situation. Cars have to get a whole lot smaller, they are gigantic right now.
I also want to pit people who drive too slowly past an accident scene or through construction zones, especially when there is heavy traffic. It’s good to slow down but keep it at a reasonable speed, people! For example, on a highway you should be passing at about 50 kph or otherwise posted. Not 25-30 kph so that you can gawk at what is happening. You’ve seen car wrecks and construction workers eating donuts before, so get a move on.
Oh, I also want to pit people who don’t know how to merge smoothly into traffic in rush hour traffic. Look for a spot, signal, and move in. Also, don’t be a jerk and close off a spot to someone trying to get in. Jerky merging maneuvers creates traffic waves and can be a catalytic poison that creates a persistent backlog even when then people who initially did it are gone.
Can you tell I hate driving in traffic? I also have a general dislike of the modern automobile. Now, where’s my bicycle?
That’s hilarious. I should alter my Toyota Echo so it says “YO HO”
Is this a troll, or are you really that stupid? There’s a reason the Colorado state patrol’s started ticketing people who are less than two seconds behind the person in front of them. Nearly every time I have to Drive from Fort Collins to Denver I have to brake suddenly at some point either because someone’s cut me off or lost part of their load on the highway or is doing the cellphone drift.
When my car was only a month old it got creamed on I-25 because someone had to stop the entire line of traffic that had been previously moving at 75 in the left lane. I managed not to hit the guy in front of me, but if traffic hadn’t started moving again at just that second I would have been pushed into him by the guy that couldn’t stop behind me. I never did find out what made everyone have to stop in front of me.
You try to draft behind me, buddy, and I’ll be taking my foot off the gas and slowing down to a speed that would make your following distance safe.
Ah but you see, it makes them safer. You can hear them coming even before you can hear the engine of the car!
Drivers who feel that a narrow side street is perfect for a high acceleration hundred yard sprint from one turn off to another, deserving of a pitting no?