They like them big, but not that way.

In My Humble Opinion
1

This has been bothering me for a while now. I’m going to get it off my chest on the dope.

There is a woman that works with me who is really getting on my last nerve. She seems nice enough, but her conversation is really suspect.

First, she started going on and on about how when she was with her ex-boyfriend, black women would come up to her all the time and confront them. “Why you with this white bitch?” Now. I am not here to say that this never happened to her. But, I do have to call bullshit here, when she says it happens “every time we tried to go out for a nice dinner”.

As a self-proclaimed black ghetto myth buster, I would like to say, I have never, ever seen this happen. I am sure it does, but I have never seen it. White women are often accepted into our culture and social circle based on their relationship with black men and bearing black children. So I think she is overstating that. A lot.

But what I am here to discuss is something else this woman does. She constantly makes reference to her body type, and how much black men love her because of her body type.

She says this all the time, and it never bothered me, but today she went too far. She said, all loud, for everyone to here, “You know how it is, right? You are a big ol’ woman, just like me! The men won’t leave you alone, huh?”

See, that got on my nerve. It is absolutely not true that the ‘men won’t leave me alone’. Many black men give me no indication at all that they are interested in my body. They are not all sex on the mind all the damn time.

The ones that do find me physically attractive are not a problem for me. I enjoy male attention in that way. I find it hard to believe, though, that they ‘won’t leave her alone’. But, regardless if they will or won’t, I do not appreciate her making a loud, obnoxious comment concerning my weight in the work place.

And I will admit that it bothers me not least because I look more like this and she looks more like this. *

I know we are both big. Fine. I don’t begrudge her her particular brand of bigness. I am fine with it.

But it pisses me off that she is comparing us as if we are the same. In my opinion, we are not.

I am not sure why it bothers me that she did this. But it does. And I also think it is a big myth that black men are hopelessly drawn to big ol’ hugely overweight women. I know many black men in my culture tend to like bigger women as well as slim ones. But the big ones that they tend to gravitate toward are a bit more…shapely than a lot of these rotund women who claim to be regularly harrassed.

I think it does black men a disservice to pretend that they have no standards when it comes to physical attributes. It is one thing to look at the inside of a woman…it is quite another to imply that these men are actively seeking out huge, morbidly obese women.

I think this misconception does a disservice to black women too. Many of us are overweight, but most of us carry our weight in a way that is not unattractive to our men. Those of us that are big and shapely resent the implication that we are just huge and sloppy, and that is how our men like us! And of course, there is no shortage of slim and trim black women, and grossly obese black women, too. I am not referring to them here though.

I know this may not be an issue for many on this board, but I do appreciate being able to get this off of my chest. Buxom as it is.

  • I realize that people may look at those pictures and see nearly no difference, but to the trained eye, there is a major difference.
2

Her self-esteem, particularly regarding her weight and shape are at rock bottom. In order to make herself feel better, she’s trying to bring others around her down to her level. She wants you to say something like “oh yes, black men love fat women, you’re perfectly gorgeous and normal”. Then, she’d feel somewhat vindicated.

She’s trying desparately to feel accepted, attractive and normal. It has little to do with what she believes black men find attractive, and much more to do with what she needs to bend around to fit her image of herself, or rather build her image of herself up.

I think that there is somewhat of a perception though, that black men are less likely to insist upon model like thinness and perfection in their women. I don’t have any idea if it’s true or not, I’ve never dated a black man. But I’ve heard a few black celebrities who publicly insist (as in stated it in interviews and the like, or did insist, in the case of OJ), that their women be perfect and very slim.

3

Right on all counts. I considered that she had an issue with self esteem, and that consideration caused me to bite my tongue a great deal when she made her comments. I did not vent there, but am venting here.

Regarding black men being less likely to insist that their women are ‘perfect’. I think another point that I want to make is that they honestly don’t equate perfection with slimness. The really do think that a ‘thick as hell’ woman* is * perfect. (Not that I fit that idea. I am thicker than thick as hell.)

OJ doesn’t count! I don’t know why, but he just doesn’t.

4

As this person works with you, I think you should take it up with Human Resources. That is sexual harassment and should not be tolerated in the work place. You are clearly bothered by her actions, and it needs to be dealt with.

5

Giggle, well I agree with you on the OJ thing, he doesn’t count because he’s obviously quite bonkers. I like the point you make about black men not equating thinness with perfection, would be nice if more white men were like that.

I wouldn’t blame you, if you gently steered her away from trying to “gain support”, or whatever. I’m not sure how that could be done, but perhaps some very subtle statements along the lines of …oh, I dunno…

She says “don’t you find that all the men are always after you because you’re so big” and you gently say kind of what you did here.

Something along the lines of “no honey, not all black men are after me or other women merely because they are big, black men are just as varied and personal in their tastes in women as men of other races”.

Or, “well, I choose relationships based on personality and compatibility, not superficialities like looks and size”.

She may, or may not be the sort that can take a hint, but who knows? She might learn something.

6

There is a major difference to the untrained eye also. Great post and great picture(s). I don’t know but my guess is she is easy and so is he and she just doesn’t have anything else to talk about.

7

I wish that I had better advice for you, but at some point it’s going to come down to you telling her to Shut The Fuck Up Already.

She has ISSUES. Not just capital I issues, but totally capitalized ISSUES. Maybe even bold and italicized ISSUES.

And she wants to be you.

Rather than who she is.

8

Funny, I was just posting in GQ about 90s fashions, and there was a moment where there was this neo-Afrocentric thing going on - “The Blacker The Berry The Sweeter The Juice” shirts, that kind of stuff. It was real political to notice darker women, or bigger women, and people talked about it all the time. I think that moment has passed.

I find the Black men I know to be as into looks as all of the other guys of other races I know. I do think that White men tend to exalt skinny White women with bodies like teenage boys for some reason. (Not all, but I have yet to find a Black guy who finds Paris Hilton or [shudder] Ann Coulter attractive, but I hear White guys say it all the time.) I do think that Black men like shape and curves. Again, another thing I’ve noticed among a lot of White guys is the attraction to “schoolgirl” types (think Britney Spears in the “Baby One More Time” video.) I’ve never seen that motif among Black folks (except R. Kelly, I guess).

Maybe your… acquaintance is appreciative of how some Black men will find some feature about her that’s attractive. I know when I was in college, and we (Black guys) talked about girls, we would tend to find something positive about the girl. Maybe she wasn’t the prettiest girl, but she had nice legs… or great cleavage… or something. With my White friends, if a girl didn’t have a decent sized… bust, they were dissed. Unless they had a really nice face.

Dunno if that helps, Nzinga, but I think your pal is insecure and thinks of you as “like her,” but the reality is you are much more confident than she is. CanvasShoes has it, more or less, I think.

9

I think all of the points here are true. I know in my heart that insecurities cause her to say the things she says, and I could gently prod her to not be so annoying to me with the things she says.

However, against my will, I got angry when she said that. I didn’t show it, but I felt it.

I don’t think I could tell her to STFU. I don’t feel I could do that. And going to HR is not my style. I would sooner tell her to STFU than to do that.

I think a part of the issue is, I am the only black woman in my area, (well, there is an older lady too. She is really old and doesn’t seem to care what any of us say or do). I don’t want to come off all defensive. I basically just let it slide. It actually does help to vent to others while maintaining composure at work.

10

Oh, yeah. Black man love da booty, didn’t you get the memo? They only like thick women like her or her or this heifer here. Seriously, I’ve had my share of male attention, and the larger I get, the greater a proportion of that is darker on the spectrum, but to make a sweeping generalization about black men based on her booty-call is, yeah, rather insulting.

11

FWIW, I dated a black guy for about a year and a half in highschool (okay, it was a while ago, but still), and this never, ever, happened to me. I was definitely not overweight, if that seems to make a difference. We got a few looks of disapproval from racist old people (this was in the south), but that was as far as it went. This woman sounds crazy.

12

Nzinga, she makes me think of some of my mother’s worst babbling attacks.

My mother doesn’t shut up. Ever. Well, ok, in church sometimes. But not even when asleep, since she snores. But usually she’ll let you insert a sentence sideways or even a paragraph after being hit with a clue by four along the lines of “you know, I had something I wanted to tell you. For variety and spice, you know?” Other times she’ll be telling me the same. Damn. Story. For the third time in a monologue and I’ll say “mom” and she goes on “Mom” and she continues “MOM” and it might as well be the rain “MOM DAMNIT!” “what?” “third time you tell me that your friend A can’t make up her mind about wanting a poodle or not, what are you nervous about?”

Invariably, she’s trying to avoid focusing on whatever the Real Issue is, when she does that.

And yeah, one of the things she brings up is body image issues. I’m not as fat as she was at my age (although I definitely look so much like her there’s no mistaking the relationship), so she’s angry because she can’t use any more the justification that “getting that size was just in my nature.”

I’d still like to bitchslap her into the sea sometimes but she’s my Mom… your colleague is, thanks God, not your Mom!

Oh, and I loved the two pics :slight_smile: I’m a number 1 and Mom is a number 2 - I’m trying to avoid number 2.

13

I wanted to respond to this part. I am white with a black man for the past 4 years. Both of us have dated various ethnicities before in the past.

First, no black woman has ever confronted US directly BUT they have definitely said stuff to him about me being white. Many times over the years he has been asked by friends, casual acquaintances, and even strangers “why are you with a white girl?”. Sometimes the questions have been of general interest and sometimes general dissapprovement.

I have not often been accepted into the culture. It took about a year for the females on his Dad’s side of the family to accept me (his Mom was fine from day 1).
So while you may be accepting, many other black women are not. I still doubt, however, that she was directly approached.

Now as for the weight issue, I get what your saying. FWIW, I’m “thick” too, was overweight when we first met and lost a LOT of pounds. Now just “nicely shaped” and considered to be “average” for an American woman at size 10-12 but too “fat” to interest a white man. :stuck_out_tongue:

14

Nava, I agree that it is an issue with my co-worker and your mom. They both are trying to shift focus. I bet one could get into their psyche and figure out how to work them so that they don’t say the things they say anymore. I just don’t relish the thought of being the one to teach my co-worker any better. But in true doper spirit, I just may take it upon myself to fight her freakin’ ignorance today.

Yes, I admit this does happen. I can’t deny that. Both men and women I have known have had the audacity to question others for their choice. In my family, the issue of white men being included has been dealt with, and I am not proud of the behavior of some of the members of my family. However, even then, the ‘white love-interest’ was never directly confronted.