Many of you know that my home life is non-traditional. I am married and have been married for 13 years to a very sweet man. For the last 2 years, my girlfriend has been living with us, sharing our lives and our bed. This summer we got the wonderful news that my girlfriend got me pregnant. My husband is sterile, so questions arose. This prompted me to come out to my parents and they are cool.
I had come out to most of my friends nearly 2 years ago and they were cool. I did not come out to one of my friend’s family. I am friends with his mom and sister, but neither of them would I normally discuss my love life with. They accepted my girlfriend as a friend and housemate and saw nothing more until now. I told a mutual aquaintance that my gf had fathered the baby, but did not specify how. She told my friend’s mother. Why? Then my gf is getting more comfortable around them and began flirting a bit. I tried to cut that off, but they noticed. Now the mother and sister think that unknown to my husband, my gf is slowly stealing my heart and we are just keeping him around to act as nanny. Doesn’t help that he is a sweet man that sometimes manages to appear innocent and teddybear like. They think that he does not know about our relationship. HE WATCHES US MAKE LOVE, I am pretty sure he knows! I think he notices her crawling into bed with us every night.
To make matters worse, I only know what they think because my friend relayed it to me via email.
How the hell do I deal with this? I do not want to discuss my love life with his mother, and yet that seems the only choice. I am sure she really doesn’t want to know, but I can’t have them pitying poor hubby and villainizing my gf.
One question: When your gf got more comfortable around the mother of your friend, was she flirting with YOU? I assume so.
I’m not sure anyone can speak to this from experience, but a simple approach may be the closest to the truth; you are biand polyamorous, and love your husband very much, and love your gf very much.
One other thing, telling people your gf fathered the baby without telling them the whole story leaves a HELL of a lot of questions. It may be good to decide to tell the whole story, or get a nice cover story for those with whom you do not want to share everything. You don’t HAVE to the the mother anything more, as long as it doesn’t bother you what she thinks about your husband.
For all those about to make Jerry Springer gags, I think just about everyone on these boards has heard them before.
Lee - is it possible you could ask your gf to not flirt with you around this particular couple. I realise it’s limiting, but in order to spare you having to explain the whole situation again it might just be easier to tone it down.
On the other hand, who cares what this particular couple think? So they have a misperception - it’s not wonderful to have people think you’re cheating on your husband, but then you know the truth. You’re not. They’re wrong. What you have to consider is whether you can simply accept that people are going to have misperceptions about your living/loving arrangements, or if it’s more important to you that your friend’s family know exactly what’s going on. Your husband and girlfriend are aware that their pity and villanizing is misplaced and while it’s natural to want to defend those you love, perhaps this is a time you can say “It’s a shame they have the wrong idea, but we know how we feel and it’s none of their business”.
These are the people I spend holidays with so I do care what they think. However, no one has bothered to ask me any questions, probably because they know I would answer them. The person that told them that my gf was the father, did not ask how she got to be the father. Until the flirting, they probably assumed turkey baster, or one time fling, or a doctor’s office was involved. Now they are speculating.
I told the person who told not to tell my friend’s mother, but I don’t really blame her for doing so. It wasn’t so much for my privacy, but because I thought that she really doesn’t want to know about such things.
The truth is probably about as far from what they can imagine as you can get. They can’t think that a threesome might be consensual and stable, and no one is bothered.
My question too twick and why couldnt your husband be considered the Father since well he is the male, not to slight your GF but it would be the easiest explanantion or is it that your husband doesn’t want kids. Which I would find confusing given that he’s living with a preganant woman and the female father?
It is known to our friends that my husband is sterile. As I am known for telling precisely the truth and not being mistaken on my facts, that I was mistaken about this seemed even more unlikely than there being some other explanation. So far only those who don’t know me very well at all have assumed that hubby is the genetic father.
My girlfriend is the father in that she fucked me and her sperm united with my egg to form the baby now growing inside me. Woman sperm, the very best kind! She’ll b another mother to our child, probably including nursing.
Also, I do want it clear that she is a parent to our child. That is one reason I told my parents. I want it clear that she has more of a say than any non-parents who will think they know better for our child.
And no one that knows my husband would believe for a second that he doesn’t want kids. It is his life’s ambition to be a stay at home dad. We are making him very happy by giving him this chance.
Sorry, but this is probably a very hard lesson in how a secret that’s shared is no longer a secret. Sounds like you have to make up a really good lie of some kind, tell her the whole thing, or just let her wonder. None of these sound ideal, but you have to do something. Talk it over with your husband and GF, and see what you folks can come up with.
A lie is out of the question. The problem is that I am sure she doesn’t really want to think about all this, but I can’t let her think my husband is slowly being abandoned. He is quite happy. I have no intention of leaving him and the three of us are doing quite well.
Blaron, would you want one of your lovers to use a turkey baster on you? If not, why on earth would she opt for that method? She has two lovers, one is hubby, one is not. All 3 are aware. What’s the big deal?
Well, we thought that the estrogen had made her infertile at best. We did not think this possible. She had been sharing our bed for nearly 2 years before I got pregnant, and as I said in the OP hubby watches us make love. His only problem is that sometimes it makes him question himself because he finds her quite sexy, yet she still has the package, and he is not attracted to that. He is rather fond of her running around topless.
Why would I have chosen the turkey baster method when the old fashioned way is much more fun?
Just out of curiosity… If you assumed the estrogen made her infertile, perhaps the test were wrong about your husband. Is there a chance he could be the biological father?
Maybe your husband should speak up for himself as well and let his mother make assumptions. I am sure it is uncomfortable for all of you, but at least she would know the truth and not feel he is being “hurt” but is happy. Maybe it would ease her mind as well. With her knowing the truth, she might leave the subject alone and it will not be discussed with anyone else at all.
The mother involved is a friend from college’s mother. My husband’s mother is an evil woman and not allowed to know our whereabouts. I mean really evil. Not I don’t like her, but stealing from dying people and the disabled while pretending to care for them evil.
The sperm count that last came back from my husband was zero. There is every reason to believe, since surgery was involved, that his sperm count will always be zero. Before surgery his spermcount was in the thousands, not millions as is normal, what is more, most of the sperm were dead or misshapen. The surgery was to preven recurrent infections of his genito-urinary tract. He was getting serious infections two to three times a year. The surgery worked, He has had only 2 infections in the last 10 years.
My husband’s reluctance to talk to these people about my sex life is understandable, and his tendency to say exactly the wrong thing makes the possibility of him talking to them positively gut wrenching. He did tell them that he knew she was the father and that any further questions really should be directed to one of us. Still, I am tempted to let him try to explain things. He is also reluctant to mention sex to a woman older than his mother and her teen age daughter.
If he wanted to be the one to explain, believe me, my friend would have explained it all by now. He certainly knows he has my permission to do so.
The point is that they have jumped to the conclusion that my poor husband’s heart is breaking because he is beginning to catch on to me and my gf’s relationship. They feel sorry for him and are starting to view my gf as an interloper.
Outside polyamory, viewing the gf as an interloper is probably the natural reaction. These people probably don’t share your views on polyamory, and see the primary unit as the husband-wife couple. The gf is interloper by default; or else, you are cheating on your husband, and your husband is “a sweet idiot” for tolerating it.
The way you’re likely to change their minds is by convincing them that polyamory is as valid a relationship as traditional marriage. I’m sure you already know how difficult this is going to be. I’m not sure the truth is going to be more palatable to them than their false assumptions.
Sounds like you have to make up a really good lie of some kind, tell her the whole thing, or just let her wonder. None of these sound ideal, but you have to do something. Talk it over with your husband and GF, and see what you folks can come up with.