They Won't Let Us See My Uncle.

As I’ve already said in this thread, my uncle has recently been diagnosed with dementia and will be going to a nursing home (actually, we recently found out it will be an assisted living home). I wasn’t sure if I should post this as an update for the old thread or start a new thread. But I decided to post this as a new thread…

While my father was at this assisted living home, my uncle tried to go past some yellow caution tape to a stairwell. My father, sensing danger for him, yelled at him to stop. Well, the people at the assisted living appartments told the court ordered legal guardian for my uncle that my father yelled at him. And it made her so mad, she called up my father and told him he is never to see my uncle again. Since I usually go with my father to my uncle as does my uncle’s sister, this will thus effectively stop us from seeing him too.

We’re not exactly sure what to do. My uncle is a valued family member, and we don’t want to cut him loose from our lives for good. But the court-appointed guardian will be his guardian for the rest of his and his wife’s lives. Presently we are waiting for a court hearing in a couple of weeks where my father will ask for permission to have visitation rights with my uncle again. Naturally any other advice or support anyone can give would be appreciated :slight_smile: .

Thank you in advance to all who reply:)

If the court is somehow involved, can’t you go and appeal?

I just asked my father this, and he says yes, that is what he plans on doing. Keep in mind though presently we are just planning on going to this one hearing in court.

I would think once you state your case and tell them the details, they’ll allow you visitation. They may ask you to work with the professionals to learn how to be less abrupt (I assume they didn’t like dad’s style and tone… :rolleyes: ). Promise to follow the rules and you should be fine. Just a guess, of course.

More like “don’t even know why he yelled, didn’t ask, don’t care to know.” Been there, had that done to me.

Best wishes and lots of hugs.

I’m confused as to why a blood relative wasn’t appointed guardian.

As someone who has worked in an Assisted Living/Nursing Home environment I can perhaps speak a bit about the care needed when visiting the Alzheimer/Dementia ward. Sudden movements, loud noises, and yelling are pretty much no-no’s as much as possible, as these can really upset the residents. Trying to keep a level of calm and regularity is of the utmost importance. The nurses and nurses assistants take their job of providing as much security and comfort as possible to people who are in their most frightening and vulnerable stages of life very seriously. After the court allows your family back in (which I’m pretty certain they will), have a talk with the nurses about what cares need taken, because it’s a huge adjustment not just for your uncle, but your family as well.

Most of my family members were either too old, too sick, too busy, etc. to help. Plus I don’t have that big of a family to begin with. There wasn’t a big enough pool of people to choose from to begin with.

Thank you. We never even thought of that. I will pass that on to my father as soon as possible.

Of course. Happy to have something come up that I know a little about. :smiley:

I know that your father was working in what seemed everyone’s best interest, and this kind of thing happens all the time, but if you watch the nurses in action they’re masters of “Heading them off at the pass” calmy and gently, and then redirecting them back somewhere safer. Really it’s almost an art. You have to be constantly on your toes.

That being said, yellow caution tape is a poor safeguard from a falling hazard in a demntia ward. Had the resident fallen down the steps and injured himself the resultant lawsuit (filed by the legal guardan) would have been a bell ringer. Jim B’s father while acting improperly acted to avert injury to his relative. What type of orientation did the family recieve on visiting the ward? I suggest a call to the nursing home administrator. Have a calm rational conversation and ask that they call the guardian.

Another suggestion - when your father goes to court, if he can demonstrate that he’s taking some time and effort to learn how to deal with confused/demented people, that might be very well in his favor (as well as really benefiting him in his dealings with your Uncle.) You could ask the administrator or the social worker at the home if they can recommend some resources, or contact the local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association.

‘Action Plans’ are big with social workers, medical folks, etc - this way, your father can show that he’s taken a plan of action to correct what is being perceived as a problem behavior on his part.

Also, perhaps some mediation with the legal guardian is in order. You do not want to get involved in an adverserial relationship with this person this early. This person may resent that no family stepped forward to do the job and may be directing that anger at any family that’s available. There are professional mediators out there (we have a semi-retired lawyer friend who does that kind of work now) or you can try yourself - go at it from a ‘we all want what’s good for Uncle’ and look for common ground first - then work through the conflicts and disagreements.

Just thoughts.