Things I learned from the Leisure Suit Larry games

Cafe Society
1

  • If a man is pushing 40, balding, not especially attractive, and dressed in an “outdated” suit, and he’s lived with his mother for most of his life, that makes it perfectly acceptable to insult, slander, rob, abuse, threaten to kill, or actually kill him, all without any repercussions whatsoever.

  • Items that hopeless losers, worthless bums, and complete nobodies offer to you are all absolutely vital to your quest. Furthermore, they’re the only acceptable sources for these items…don’t even think about getting that apple from a local grocer.

  • The fact that a taxi driver may be a homosexual is somehow less objectionable than the fact that he’ll kill you if you accidentally exit his cab before paying, or that if you’re carrying any kind of alcoholic beverage, he’ll swipe it from you and chug the entire amount, then crash (which also kills you).

  • Bar restroom doors are not only completely watertight, they can withstand the pressure of hundreds of gallons of water without breaking.

  • If a customer is about to walk out of your store with unpaid-for merchandise, the correct response is to shoot him dead on the spot. Under no circumstances should you fire a warning shot or, oh, call out to him and let him know of his imminent crime. Additionally, only super-expensive stores that rake in almost a million dollars a day are allowed to have any kind of electronic security system.

  • Purchasing a condom from a convenience store…an item which not only prevents unwanted pregnancy, but could save a life…is unbelievably perverted. However, hiding in a convenience store for hours for the sole purpose of witnessing someone making said purchase, then pointing out its perverseness in a tone of voice normally reserved for ushering in the new year, is perfectly all right.

  • Vice cops are completely committed to their stated job and thus won’t lift a finger to save someone being bludgeoned to death a few feet away. (Can’t he at least, like, call for backup? What if the murderer decides to go after him next?)

  • If a beautiful woman robs you nearly blind and leaves you helplessly tied to a bed, the proper response is to scream uselessly for a while (invoking the “b-word” if the mood strikes), then, after finding a way to free yourself, try to win some more money by gambling what little you have left. Under NO circumstances should you, oh, call the police and give a report.

  • Corollary: Whenever you want to rob a skinny, unathletic man who wouldn’t hurt a fly, you absolutely must restrain him (usually under the pretense of “kinky sex”), instead of, say, hitting him over the head with a heavy object.

  • If you’re a virgin, you’re still a virgin if you have sex with a woman who normally receives direct compensation for the act. This is true even if you didn’t pay for your turn. Only sexual favors that woman is willing to give you with no compensation whatsoever “counts”.

  • Spanish Fly not only turns the most frigid woman in the universe into a salivating sex toy, it also causes her to completely abandon her post without so much as calling for a substitute to relieve her.

  • If a misguided former lover comes over to your house to mow your lawn, thinking that your one tryst together would lead to more, the proper response is to act like the most egotistical, obnoxious jerk imaginable, then blow him off without a thought. (Oh, and don’t thank him for mowing your lawn, either.)

  • If a customer wants to pay for an item, but he has only one bill and it’s too big for you to break, under no circumstances should you offer to hold onto his item until he’s able to come up with smaller bills.

  • Game show hosts haven’t the foggiest idea what the contestants look like until they get up on stage for the first time. Furthermore, when the wrong guy does go on, no one ever finds out.

  • No matter how much of your skin is exposed, it’s impossible to get sunburned as long as you’re standing up. Lie down, however, and you burn in five seconds flat if not properly protected.

  • Pool-loungers are completely oblivious to a drowning man screaming and splashing inside the pool. (Doesn’t someone at least want to call a pool cleaner, you know, remove the dead body?)

  • No one ever eats anything at any kind of eatery. The purpose of a restaurants, diners, and snack bars is to obtain a utensil or something else you’ll need later.

  • If twelve men go to an airline counter with three open tellers just to get the keys to the restroom, they must take up all three tellers.

  • A tiny can containing “flammable material” will, if put too close to a flame, produce an explosion comparable to that of a 500-pound bomb.

  • Despite more than enough evidence that many of the people in your life are absolutely hellbent on destroying you, you still cannot find any use for a deadly weapon.

  • If someone gives you a $100 gratuity, the correct response is to fire off a completely inappropriate crack about “new money”. Don’t worry about him taking offense or interpreting your comment to mean that you don’t want the money, because it never happens.

  • Flight personnel in charge of serving drinks are like robots; serving drinks is the only thing they know how to do, and any other requests…e.g., “Please move your cart back a bit so I can get by.”…will go right over their heads.

  • If you’re skinny and unathletic, and so clumsy that you can’t lean half an inch over a railing without plummeting to your death, you can still perform amazing feats of strength and agility provided that the name of the feat is similar to a non-physical task you’re proficient at. For example, swinging across three vines suspended over piranha-infested waters is a snap if you’re a “swinger”.

  • If someone, especially a parent, is thinking of setting you up with a woman who happens to be a virgin, he’ll invariably point this out to you, despite the fact that you’re not Catholic and, with all the experiences you’ve been through, way past the point where you’d care at all about virginity, either yours (which you lost at least twice) or that of your future bedmates.

  • If a man is pushing 40, not especially attractive, and dressed in an “outdated” suit, and he lived with his mother for most of life, but then spend the next few months learning all about the world, surviving crisis after crisis, and saving the free world from a misogynistic tyrant, it’s still perfectly okay to treat him like dirt…well…he’s a dork.

  • Finally, any off-the-cuff remarks about the status of a popular series…say, whether or not there will be a fourth installment…are absolutely, utterly binding and inviolable until the end of time. Because well all know game designers NEVER lie, right?
    (Sheesh…it’s been years since I played these games, and I still remember this incredibly bizarre world.)

2

Perhaps I’m misunderstanding this. I would object much less to a homosexual taxi driver than I would to one who kills me. Maybe I just don’t understand this game.

3
  • When having sex with a prostitute, be sure to wear a condom. If you don’t, you’ll drop dead the moment you step outside.
4
  • All barber shops look exactly the same.
5

man, i’m guessing you have ALOT of time on your hands! :smiley: