Can you believe I actually said this to my otherwise svelt, 4 months pregnant wife tonight at dinner?
“Honey, how much mashed potatos are you gonna eat?”
Me--------> :wally
“You look like a whale”
…erm… in a nice way.
How about:
“I don’t mean to imply anything, but I really don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
or
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
My husband said:
You don’t look THAT fat…or
Are you carrying twins in your ass?..
I still haven’t completely forgiven him, and that baby is almost 4!
Margo
(I walk in from work) Hello my bulbous beauty!
“Oh, now you grow some real boobies.”
“You’re not PMSing anymore, so why are you so damn cranky?”
“Pregnant glow? Are you smuggling plutonium in there?”
“Moo. If you get any bigger, I’m going to have you branded.”
“Put some newspaper down, cause when your water breaks, I ain’t cleaning it up.”
“Wow. Stretchmarks already.”
“What, are you trying to wear a trail to the bathroom in the carpet?”
“Whattya mean you’re sick? It ain’t morning.”
“They’re gonna stay like that, aren’t they?”
“You will quit farting so much after the kid’s born, won’tcha?”
Ah yes. When I was in womb, my father kept offering to fly my mother and himself to Colorado. The only state that had legal abortions at the time.
Whaddya mean you’re only carrying one?
When I was preggo w/my daughter, I took that “eating for two” phrase literally…I gained over 50lbs. We had a waterbed, which, towards the end, I had a VERY HARD time getting out of.
He would go over to the other side and “start a wave” by bouncing so I could roll out.
Not only did he tell EVERYONE about it, he also said he was gonna install one of those “engine hoists” if I got any bigger.
“Don’t punch yourself in the breast. That would be stupid.”
(as she’s stirring salad)
Ooh, look, it’s an eclipse!
How can you eat that much after all that puking this morning?
[TMI Warning]
Well then, howabout a blow job?
[/TMI Warning]
[sub]No, I’m not nearly stupid enough to have actually uttered any of these.[/sub]
“You know, you don’t have to eat for nine months solid…you can take a break or two every trimester. I don’t think the baby will mind.”
“Nice cankles.”
“Chewy, crunchy, cheesy AND melty? Honey, I’m not Google’s supermarket.”
He: “Honey, could you move a wee bit to the left. You’re blocking the light.”
She: “But I’m not even in the same room!!!”
He: “Oh, sorry. Could move far to the left. You’re blocking the light.”
He: “Honey, could you move a wee bit to the left. You’re blocking the light.”
She: “But I’m not even in the same room!!!”
He: “Oh, sorry. Could move far to the left. You’re blocking the light.”
As you’ve lived to post the thread newcrasher I’m assuming your wife has a sense of humor 
I’m 4 months into my second pregnancy and I think I pick on myself more than anyone else does!
I joke that it isn’t so much that pregnant ladies glow… they reflect!
We also have a running joke whenever sex comes up that “that’s how we got in this predicament in the first place.”
I do draw the line at being called “Ma-Mu” though. (That’s what my FIL taught my hubby to call his mom when she was pregnant with his sister)
slight hijack
Never say to a new mother who has had an episiotomy, a tear or a c/section:No one with a huge scar is sexy. Scars are not sexy. Period.
I had asked him to wear shorts so I could see his sexy legs. He had a knee replaced last winter and has a foot long scar on his right knee. He said the above. He could not understand why I burst into tears and cried for hours. This was about a week after I gave birth and had an episiotomy and third degree tear. I still hurt over that.
(to continue lee’s hijack)
I concur I had a c section and hubby kept telling me how great the incision was healing and that you could barely see the scar. Then as my belly receeded I was finally able to see the scar on my own and was mortified because to me it looked horrendous! All he could say is “well compared to what it looked like right after surgery it looks great now”
Yay me Next (and last) c section is this october.
8 1/2 months prego…
'Honey can you pick this up for me?"
10lb bowling ball.