Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

  1. “I finished the Oreos”

    1. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs
      40 pounds.”

    2. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela
      Lee had a baby!”

    3. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby
      forever!”

    4. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super
      Bowl”

    5. "Darned if you ain’t about 5 pounds away from a surprize
      visit from that Richard Simmons fella. ’

    6. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea.
      Boy, that’s gotta hurt!”

    7. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
      Willard Scott!”

    8. "I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of
      childbirth?

    9. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

    10. “Get your own ice cream.”

    11. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today!”

    12. “Got milk?”

    13. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

    14. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
      Madagascar!”

    15. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”

    … and…

    1. “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger…”

Any more?

2

“hey wait, my buddy’s GOT to see this!”

and from personal experience “Mind if I eat these sardines while you’re in labor?”

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“Are you sure you want to go through with this?”

“Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

“I’m tired of you being pregnant.”

4

I just want to know how the two of you survived this long? Can you say suicidal?

5

From personal experience, having been a pregnant wife:

“Hi honey! How was your day?”

“Ow! I just got a paper cut!”

“Hey, can I have the remote?”

“Well, that’s a weird craving!”

“I understand that you’re not in the mood, but do you think there’s anything you could do to, well, you know…”

6

From my personal experience:

‘No hon, you don’t look fat’ (any idiot knows a pregnant woman is fat, she’s carrying a baby)

‘Aren’t you cold?’

‘Wish your boobs could stay that size’

‘Are you sure you are just carrying one baby?’

‘Can’t you keep the house cleaner?’

‘What’s for dinner?’

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notice there’s been three women who came up with answers???

8

Well, wring, who better to provide an answer to this particular timeless question than one who’s actually been asked these questions? :wink:

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1). Well, at least your butt doesn’t look so big any more
2). Cesarean? At least it wasn’t real surgery, couldn’t you at least loosen the lug nuts?
3). You women know how to do that, you know, thing to make your hips look smaller. Couldn’t you do that?
4). I’m not stopping any more for you to use the loo, you’re ruining my time average!
5). Why aren’t you wearing your wedding ring? You’re never suppose to take it off
6). I got you released early from the hospital so you can be home in time to watch the other kids while I go for Tuesday’s poker night with the lads
7). How come you’re always so tired?!
8). How come you don’t jog like you used to?
9). I would be a lot easier for you to get your tubes tied than for me to get a vacectomy
10). Larry’s wife is 8 months pregnant and she still fits into her size 7 jeans

10

From personal experience

Wow hon, looks like the booby fairy finally answered my prayers!

I was just trying to help by doing the ironing, I know its your job (a bit of insanity on my part… he never ironed again, damn hormones ;))

ANOTHER chocolate sundae!!!

You know if I hit you on the back you would bounce down the street

11

Not having any experience with pregnant women yet, this would definately be my line :smiley:

12

“Geez! Whattya do while I’m at work, eat nothing but beans?”

:::muttering sleepily::: “Is that about it, or are you going to make another half dozen trips to the bathroom tonight?”

13

“Honey, let’s rent a movie, ever seen ‘Alien’?”
“Well, just walk faster.”
“You’d better be on bottom.”

14

ROTFL

I am surprised some of you made it this far. :smiley:

15

Having been a pregnant wife myself, I could only think of one that hasn’t been touched yet.

“What do you mean, you’re out of <insert craving here>???”
:smiley:

16

My EX-husband did that to me.

Along with,

What do you mean we can’t have sex for six weeks? I can’t wait six weeks!

17

“Oh honey, I know you’re 3 weeks overdue and feelin icky but come on, we have never had an anniversary without making love besides, all you have to do is stand there, I’ll do all the work.”

“I don’t care if you’re sure tonight’s going to be the night you go into labor, you’ve said that for the last 3 nights. What’s wrong with a man drinking a little beer and eating a little pizza”

(2 hours later)

“I don’t believe this, NOW you tell me you’re in labor! Just when I’ve got a good buzz going”

(45 minutes later)

“aww Honey, do you have to do this now? I’ve got heartburn”

(30 minutes later)

“ZZZZZ ZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ”

30 minutes later)

“what do you mean, there’s something sticking out? For Christ’s sake, do you always have to wait until the last minute for everything? If you would have told me this was serious, I would have gotten up right away.”

18

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about. I’m the one that did all the work, you know.”

(My husband actually said this to me. He was kidding, but I was pregnant…)

19

I got this while I was in labor:
“Why are you making such a fuss? You knew it was going to hurt.”

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Are you sure I’m the father?

Whoa. You’re really fat.

You’ll still give blowjobs, right?

No.

Yes.

What?

What’s for dinner?