Not a man, not a mother, but…
Those strech marks will go away after the baby’s born, right?
I’ve always wondered what hemorrhoids feel like - can you describe it?
StG
“are you sick again?”
My all time favorite was when I told him I was going to have another one and she was due a month and a week before our son was going to turn one.
“Oh my god, what in the hell are we going to do now that’s just great!”
Yes, my husband had enuff nerve after my third was born at 10 and a half pounds to seduce me two weeks later and then we were on our way to having our fourth.
My second favorite was right after I gave birth to my ten and a half pounder.
“Hey, how big were your kids?”
They say whatever size
“Well I just had a ten and a half pound boy, beat that!”
This was from him! Yeah, right. He just gave birth and all I did was lay around and push.
It was a coworker, not a wife, but still, trust me on this. Do not ever, under any circumstances, use the words “you look like a beached walrus”, no matter how innocent the context. Please listen! Do not go through what I did!!
After running into the bathroom after I made a humongus splash trying to sit in a tub full of water, my husband tells me:
“Wow, you look like a beached whale!”
Another favorite: “What are you complaining about? Millions of women have had babies before you.”
And the topper: “She had a hard time? I had to stand the whole 10 hours!”
geez, I’d forgotten THIS one:
after I’d had a ten pound tweleve ouches baby, he’s busy telling me that the Caesarian was not necessary!
yet another of the MANY, excellent reasons we’re divorced today!
JC’s lessons in how to become a slave to apologizing:
The set up: Watching TV Land (probably Emergency). A make up commercial with Cindy Crawford comes on.
ME: “Man! Did her butt get BIG after she had that baby!”
Mrs Chance (7 months pregnant): “WAHHH!!!”
ME: Slavery forever as penance.
Be warned boys. Do NOT say the first thing that comes into your heads!
I’ve never had the opportunity to really piss off a pregnant wife, never having been in the situation before. I can’t wait to use some of these lines when I know I’m going to be a father.
Of course the first one I’ll use is “Are you SURE it’s mine?”
That oughtta start things off right.
When I came in the room my brothers used to make the whistle noise that construction equipment makes when it’s backing up and say “Wide load, comin through!”
The most annoying thing my ex-husband did while I was in labor:
(Him) “OK, do the breathing. Ho ho ho, hee hee hee, whoo whoo whoo. Come on, do it with me. Ho ho ho, hee hee hee…”
::smack::
(Me) “Shut the hell up and get away from me, your breath stinks and you’re driving me nuts!!”
(Him) “Man you’re a bitch when you’re in labor.”
(Me) “You’re about to see just how much of a bitch I am if you don’t get the hell outta here!”
He didn’t help me a bit while I was in labor… just annoyed the shit out of me. I would have preferred to be in there all by myself! For my second child I had my sister-in-law with me… much better experience!!
“What happened to the ice cream you said you bought today?”
During Labor, " Boy I am hungry."
After labor, " My legs hurt."
I got slugged for this one:
I pointed to my wife’s stomach which was getting pretty big and said, “Honey, I love you this much.” She gave me that beaming smile that indicated she thought that was a very sweet thing to say, then I killed it with “Man, you’re REALLY huge”
During the delivery:
Honey, I just want you to know that I’m at your cervix!
Me speaking to my wife after 3 months of pregnancy:
You have pee AGAIN?!?
This one’s definitely a no-no.
When your wife is getting sutured after a vaginal tear post-delivery, do not lean over to the doctor and suggest that he put an extra stitch in “just for you”.
:: looking at another woman ::
“Gee Honey, I remember when you looked like that.”
:: WHAM ::
When your wife is nine months pregnant, do not ask her “How come you walk like a duck”
They never forget and they never forgive. For the rest of your life they will remind you that you said it.
Women have no sense of humor.
Geez, Rachelle, are we married?
The first time round I was trying to be helpful, saying “ahee, ahee, ahee.”
I believe the quote was, “I know how to breathe, just shut the fuck up!” I think she was just being a little petty because I was to late in getting the puke cup to her.
After 15 hours or so of labor, your wife really doesn’t care that you’ve run out of reading material.
From Dave Barry, “I know you’re eating for two, but the other guy is the size of a lima bean, not Orson Welles.”
Sure we don’t have any more pillows we could bring into the bed?
Just in case someone doesn’t know, I thought I would point out that the OP is a top5 list from 1997.
“Could you harness those things? They’re all over the bed!”
“D’you think you could get the front room (kitchen, bedroom, etc.) cleaned up sometime?”
::ducks flying object from front room floor::
“Why do you want me to clean house RIGHT NOW? I’m tired.”
One should NEVER refer to an expectant woman wearing white as “Moby Preg” - it is NOT funny… He HAD to be punished!
Mobypreg! ROFL! Ohm’gawd, that hurts!
Never ever tell your wife you don’t want to eat icecream with her at 2 am! I heard about it for years afterwards!
Also, when she was near term with the twins, and feeling down, I cheered her up by dancing around like a demented fairy, which got her laughing so hard she peed on the floor, which made me laugh.
I cleaned it up for her, and it was worth it!
From personal experience. Be very careful of the composition if you decide to take a photo as you’re leaving for the hospital. My lovely wife hadn’t yet put on her shoes, and was standing in the kitchen. Yes, barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.