“Boy, I am so tired. You can’t possibly be as tired as I am.”
“I hope we get a cute babysitter.”
“We’re sure spending a lot on ice cream these days.”
“Well, I can still go out drinking, right?”
Well, to be fair everyone would’ve been able to see his legs. Your scar on the other hand…
[Dave Barry]
When you’re pregnant, you should keep in mind that you’re eating for two. But you should also remember that the other one is about the size of a golf ball, so don’t overdo it. Some pregnant women seem to think the other person they’re eating for is Orson Welles. The minute they find out they’re pregnant, they rush right out and buy a case of Mallomars, and within days they’ve swelled to the size of barrage balloons.
[/Dave Barry]
“I don’t smell anything.” or “It smells fine to me. Here, see? (bringing item closer)” (for those of us with smell-sensitive nausea)
“Who wanted to have a baby, huh?”
“Dang, my back hurts.”
“Some guy at work says he can’t work because he has Sciatica. What a load of crap. Sciatica is all in your mind.”
“Gosh, I didn’t realize you were pregnant … (pause, while trying to not say ‘I just thought you were fat’)” (not said to a wife, but to someone I know at work, at 8 months pregnant)
“What do you mean you’re hungry? You just ate. You can’t be hungry again!” (complete with attempting to take food away)
To a woman having a VBAC: “I got offered a training session in Australia, and I told them I could go. I know it is for two weeks and your due date is in the middle of that, but you’ll be fine. I can’t wait to go to Australia! This is gonna be so cool!” (he went, and yes, he missed the birth - successful but tricky VBAC, and I have no idea if he is sorry about it)
Fortunately, none of those are mine. Instead, I got one that I happened to like, but friends of mine would have hated: “Wow, those stretch marks look cool! Like you’ve got flames shooting up your belly … like a race car!” (complete with impressed grin) And that after I’d been hating them because there were so damn many! Too bad the second time I didn’t get the same attractive starburst effect.
I once told an extrememly pregnant woman that she resembled a beached walrus - I honestly didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but for some reason, she refused to allow me to explain.
Women.
Is routinely visible to all those I want to find me sexy.
“I’ve got to go across the country on a business trip the week that the baby’s due.”
“It’d be more efficient if we had twins.”
“Can’t go to LaMaze class tonight – the Cubs are on TV.”
“I know you can’t see your feet very well, but your shoes don’t match.”
“I’ll be reading ‘War and Peace’ right here outside the delivery room.”
. . . and how could I forget:
“If it’s a girl, can we name her [insert old girl friend’s name here]?”
Your feet look like Fred Flintstone’s.
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
“What do you mean you’re worried about labor? Labor’s a snap, a piece of cake. We go to the hospital, yada yada, we leave with a baby…oh you’re talking about you! I thought you were talking about me. Yeah, it’s a bit more difficult for you, but don’t be so self-centered.”
“You’re pregnant? Cool, 9 months of a designated driver!”
“Boy, your boobs are so big they look like two pigs fighting under a blanket!”
At a restaurant three days before being induced…
“Look at that Honey, you’re already lactating!”
True story-
My mom was 8 months pregnant and slipped and fell on the driveway. My dad was watching from kitchen window and came running out, shouting for all to hear “Honey, they just had a 3.5 earthquake, and they’re saying it started right here!”
To say the least, she was nonplussed.
Correct me if I’m wrong, and with details please, but if I understand episiotomy scars correctly yours should only be visible in positions where your SO would almost certainly be viewing it at extreme closeup, at which point details would be both insignificant and almost certainly blurred.
Man, I’m glad I never thought to say that one. I’d still be walking funny to this day.
C-section scars are not hidden alas, even the bikini ones.
“God, it’s a good thing you can’t see past your stomach – your ankles are HUGE!”
True, but lee said she had an episiotomy scar, not a C-section scar.
More things not to say:
“Damn, they’re out of cream for the coffee. Would you mind, honey?”
“How long are you going to be in labor? I’ve got other things to do, you know!”
“Help me find my keys and we’ll drive out of here!”
“It’s Christmas Eve. I’m going to the Berkeley Marina to go fishing”.
[color=grey]ducks and runs[/grey]
another sick joke ruined by bad coding.
And a third degree tear (still wincing over thinking about that) 