Things NOT to say to your pregnant wife...

I [think] I had the sense not to say much wrong when my wife was pregnant with our twins. Of course, she only gained 50-some pounds (and then gave birth to 14 lbs 11 oz of kids!!!), so there weren’t a lot of jokes about size to be made at her expense.

Both my significant others are nearsighted. They can see close detail quite well. It is a significant scar starting in my vagina and extending to my anus. The anal sphincter was not torn, but everything up to that was, including surrounding skin. There is not only the bumpy scar, there is significant discoloration. It makes me feel like hiding myself away. That is not how I felt in the past.

I hope you feel beautiful soon, lee. Scars aren’t ugly. I think your husband’s comment does illustrate very clearly how self-deprecation can backfire, badly.

My oldest sister is named after my Dad’s childhood sweetheart. No joke.

Hey, what happened to all the peanut butter? Didn’t we just buy two full jars? You couldn’t possibly…oh I guess you could.

True story:
ME: “Did you buy stamps today?”
SO: “no!” (bursts into tears)

Look at that…When you lay on your back you have the outline of VW Beetle!

“I wish you would hurry up and have that baby so I can get some sleep!”
“Hey Honey, the Frederick’s catalog is here! Do you think you will ever be able to wear something like that?”

“Rub your feet?! Gross!”

Both true and uttered by my loving and thoughtful husband…

What’s wrong with you, you’re so lazy these days?

Damn baby, I could drink a case of beer and still not be as sick as you.

…Ain’t he cute?